Sunday, January 24, 2010

The most awful loss?

In the story?
Oy..without a doubt...
Most faithful and loyal and loving Oy...
And I pray he ended up with his Master.
God this story tore me up fierce

It tore my heart in pieces...

I just FINALLY finished the Dark Tower epic by Stephen King...
And it truly tore me in pieces...
So read if it please ya...and puzzle over the story.
Tore my heart into pieces...
Yet I'm rereading it as I write.

Childe Roland To The Dark Tower Came
by Robert Browning


My first thought was, he lied in every word,
That hoary cripple, with malicious eye
Askance to watch the working of his lie
On mine, and mouth scarce able to afford
Suppression of the glee, that pursed and scored
Its edge, at one more victim gained thereby.


What else should he be set for, with his staff?
What, save to waylay with his lies, ensnare
All travellers who might find him posted there,
And ask the road? I guessed what skull-like laugh
Would break, what crutch 'gin write my epitaph
For pastime in the dusty thoroughfare,


If at his counsel I should turn aside
Into that ominous tract which, all agree,
Hides the Dark Tower. Yet acquiescingly
I did turn as he pointed: neither pride
Nor hope rekindling at the end descried,
So much as gladness that some end might be.


For, what with my whole world-wide wandering,
What with my search drawn out thro' years, my hope
Dwindled into a ghost not fit to cope
With that obstreperous joy success would bring,
I hardly tried now to rebuke the spring
My heart made, finding failure in its scope.


As when a sick man very near to death
Seems dead indeed, and feels begin and end
The tears and takes the farewell of each friend,
And hears one bid the other go, draw breath
Freelier outside, (``since all is o'er,'' he saith,
``And the blow falIen no grieving can amend;'')


While some discuss if near the other graves
Be room enough for this, and when a day
Suits best for carrying the corpse away,
With care about the banners, scarves and staves:
And still the man hears all, and only craves
He may not shame such tender love and stay.


Thus, I had so long suffered in this quest,
Heard failure prophesied so oft, been writ
So many times among ``The Band''---to wit,
The knights who to the Dark Tower's search addressed
Their steps---that just to fail as they, seemed best,
And all the doubt was now---should I be fit?


So, quiet as despair, I turned from him,
That hateful cripple, out of his highway
Into the path he pointed. All the day
Had been a dreary one at best, and dim
Was settling to its close, yet shot one grim
Red leer to see the plain catch its estray.


For mark! no sooner was I fairly found
Pledged to the plain, after a pace or two,
Than, pausing to throw backward a last view
O'er the safe road, 'twas gone; grey plain all round:
Nothing but plain to the horizon's bound.
I might go on; nought else remained to do.


So, on I went. I think I never saw
Such starved ignoble nature; nothing throve:
For flowers---as well expect a cedar grove!
But cockle, spurge, according to their law
Might propagate their kind, with none to awe,
You'd think; a burr had been a treasure-trove.


No! penury, inertness and grimace,
In some strange sort, were the land's portion. ``See
``Or shut your eyes,'' said nature peevishly,
``It nothing skills: I cannot help my case:
``'Tis the Last judgment's fire must cure this place,
``Calcine its clods and set my prisoners free.''


If there pushed any ragged thistle-stalk
Above its mates, the head was chopped; the bents
Were jealous else. What made those holes and rents
In the dock's harsh swarth leaves, bruised as to baulk
All hope of greenness?'tis a brute must walk
Pashing their life out, with a brute's intents.


As for the grass, it grew as scant as hair
In leprosy; thin dry blades pricked the mud
Which underneath looked kneaded up with blood.
One stiff blind horse, his every bone a-stare,
Stood stupefied, however he came there:
Thrust out past service from the devil's stud!


Alive? he might be dead for aught I know,
With that red gaunt and colloped neck a-strain,
And shut eyes underneath the rusty mane;
Seldom went such grotesqueness with such woe;
I never saw a brute I hated so;
He must be wicked to deserve such pain.


I shut my eyes and turned them on my heart.
As a man calls for wine before he fights,
I asked one draught of earlier, happier sights,
Ere fitly I could hope to play my part.
Think first, fight afterwards---the soldier's art:
One taste of the old time sets all to rights.


Not it! I fancied Cuthbert's reddening face
Beneath its garniture of curly gold,
Dear fellow, till I almost felt him fold
An arm in mine to fix me to the place,
That way he used. Alas, one night's disgrace!
Out went my heart's new fire and left it cold.


Giles then, the soul of honour---there he stands
Frank as ten years ago when knighted first.
What honest man should dare (he said) he durst.
Good---but the scene shifts---faugh! what hangman hands
Pin to his breast a parchment? His own bands
Read it. Poor traitor, spit upon and curst!


Better this present than a past like that;
Back therefore to my darkening path again!
No sound, no sight as far as eye could strain.
Will the night send a howlet or a bat?
I asked: when something on the dismal flat
Came to arrest my thoughts and change their train.


A sudden little river crossed my path
As unexpected as a serpent comes.
No sluggish tide congenial to the glooms;
This, as it frothed by, might have been a bath
For the fiend's glowing hoof---to see the wrath
Of its black eddy bespate with flakes and spumes.


So petty yet so spiteful! All along,
Low scrubby alders kneeled down over it;
Drenched willows flung them headlong in a fit
Of route despair, a suicidal throng:
The river which had done them all the wrong,
Whate'er that was, rolled by, deterred no whit.


Which, while I forded,---good saints, how I feared
To set my foot upon a dead man's cheek,
Each step, or feel the spear I thrust to seek
For hollows, tangled in his hair or beard!
---It may have been a water-rat I speared,
But, ugh! it sounded like a baby's shriek.


Glad was I when I reached the other bank.
Now for a better country. Vain presage!
Who were the strugglers, what war did they wage,
Whose savage trample thus could pad the dank
Soil to a plash? Toads in a poisoned tank,
Or wild cats in a red-hot iron cage---


The fight must so have seemed in that fell cirque.
What penned them there, with all the plain to choose?
No foot-print leading to that horrid mews,
None out of it. Mad brewage set to work
Their brains, no doubt, like galley-slaves the Turk
Pits for his pastime, Christians against Jews.


And more than that---a furlong on---why, there!
What bad use was that engine for, that wheel,
Or brake, not wheel---that harrow fit to reel
Men's bodies out like silk? with all the air
Of Tophet's tool, on earth left unaware,
Or brought to sharpen its rusty teeth of steel.


Then came a bit of stubbed ground, once a wood,
Next a marsh, it would seem, and now mere earth
Desperate and done with; (so a fool finds mirth,
Makes a thing and then mars it, till his mood
Changes and off he goes!) within a rood---
Bog, clay and rubble, sand and stark black dearth.


Now blotches rankling, coloured gay and grim,
Now patches where some leanness of the soil's
Broke into moss or substances like boils;
Then came some palsied oak, a cleft in him
Like a distorted mouth that splits its rim
Gaping at death, and dies while it recoils.


And just as far as ever from the end!
Nought in the distance but the evening, nought
To point my footstep further! At the thought,
great black bird, Apollyon's bosom-friend,
Sailed past, nor beat his wide wing dragon-penned
That brushed my cap---perchance the guide I sought.


For, looking up, aware I somehow grew,
'Spite of the dusk, the plain had given place
All round to mountains---with such name to grace
Mere ugly heights and heaps now stolen in view.
How thus they had surprised me,---solve it, you!
How to get from them was no clearer case.


Yet half I seemed to recognize some trick
Of mischief happened to me, God knows when---
In a bad dream perhaps. Here ended, then,
Progress this way. When, in the very nick
Of giving up, one time more, came a click
As when a trap shuts---you're inside the den!


Burningly it came on me all at once,
This was the place! those two hills on the right,
Crouched like two bulls locked horn in horn in fight;
While to the left, a tall scalped mountain... Dunce,
Dotard, a-dozing at the very nonce,
After a life spent training for the sight!


What in the midst lay but the Tower itself?
The round squat turret, blind as the fool's heart,
Built of brown stone, without a counter-part
In the whole world. The tempest's mocking elf
Points to the shipman thus the unseen shelf
He strikes on, only when the timbers start.


Not see? because of night perhaps?---why, day
Came back again for that! before it left,
The dying sunset kindled through a cleft:
The hills, like giants at a hunting, lay,
Chin upon hand, to see the game at bay,---
``Now stab and end the creature---to the heft!''


Not hear? when noise was everywhere! it tolled
Increasing like a bell. Names in my ears
Of all the lost adventurers my peers,---
How such a one was strong, and such was bold,
And such was fortunate, yet, each of old
Lost, lost! one moment knelled the woe of years.


There they stood, ranged along the hill-sides, met
To view the last of me, a living frame
For one more picture! in a sheet of flame
I saw them and I knew them all. And yet
Dauntless the slug-horn to my lips I set,
And blew. ``Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came.''

Monday, January 11, 2010

Some most excellent writing IMHO...

From the work of the inimitable Niamh...and if you are a true Spuffy fan, it means even more.
But even if you aren't, this is the most lovely prose..about love and longing.
About peace and where it comes from...
About pain, and what assuages it...
About life.
An excerpt from the lovely Niahms Origins..

His hand went back to rubbing circles on her back. Buffy sighed against his neck.

Sometimes great revelations come in the middle of a hectic, noise filled day. Sometimes they come after long hours of thought and contemplation. Sometimes they come after taking apart a situation and looking at it with fresh eyes. But sometimes, revelations come in the middle of the night, held tight in the embrace of someone you shouldn’t care about. Sometimes, great revelations sneak up and you don’t realize you’ve reached it until the moment is upon you.

Cuddled in Spike’s embrace, her tears drying on his shirt, Buffy came to a realization, a profound revelation. She was safe. Safer than she’d ever been. Possibly even safer than she’d been as a small child. Definitely the safest she’d ever been since becoming the slayer. And the reason why?

The reason why held her in his arms.

A second, no less profound realization struck her. This feeling had been building for years.

For years.

Since Angelus had tried to awaken Acathla and Spike had come to her seeking an alliance. There’d been an instant feeling of relief knowing he had promised to watch her back.

Oh sure, there had been bumps and set-backs since – the Gem of Amara fiasco the most notable – but really, they’d been building on that first initial moment ever since.

With Spike, when he was on her side, she was safe.

She remembered a phrase from a book she’d read before they had moved from Los Angeles. Couldn’t remember the title or the author, or even what the story was about, but she remembered this phrase: ‘where do the strong go when they need to be weak?’

For a very long time she hadn’t understood that. It wasn’t until after she’d been chosen that she started to understand even slightly. But now she understood it perfectly.

Where do the strong go when they need to be weak?

For her, it was here, with Spike.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


No...I don't twitter.
But from everything I've read, I'm damn glad I don't.
Twitter sounds like a superficial sound bite of every pathetic thought that the members have ever had.
Even the name...Twitter...
So twitter on if its your thang...
Those of us with brains will hold off.

Ahhh I've been absent...

Forgive me faithful.
I've been thru emotional stuff....
Its weird, I've got my man, and everything was supposed to be all rosy dosy, hunky dory.
But its not.
Because even tho DH is here, we still have bills to pay, we still have to deal with living with each other ( which despite the overwhelming love we have for each other, is still two grown adults living together )
Let me say this.....DH and I are FINE...we are good to go.
But bills are overwhelming...and thank god for DH, because without him I'd be in a load of trouble.
And damn the fishings been terrible the last few weeks.

All I can say is TOUGH SHIT....

Am I supposed to feel sorry for her??? Shes a leach on society...having children that I help support, and using the system as so many other leaches do.
I say EXCELLENT...I'm glad someone fixed this bitch in heat. Its a damn shame that so many couples cannot conceive and have their own children...yet this woman continues to have babies that the state pays for, so she doesn't have to work.
I WORK FOR A LIVING...and resent this type of person who lives as a breeder for their own financial and emotional convenience. The children were from several men, and she apparently carried her own IUD into the operating room....I was like...WTF???
Shes on disability as and read the story yourselves faithful.

Mom of 9 cries foul
Claim: I was sterilized against my will
By Jessica Fargen
Sunday, January 3, 2010 - Updated 3d 8h ago
35-year-old mother of nine is suing a Springfield hospital, three doctors and two nurses, claiming they permanently sterilized her against her will, violating her reproductive rights, according to a lawsuit filed in Superior Court.

Tessa Savicki, who has nine children aged 3 to 21, claims doctors were supposed to implant an intrauterine device, which is a type of reversible birth control, after she delivered a son, Manuel Flores, on Dec. 19, 2006, at Baystate Medical Center.

Instead, she said, a type of permanent sterilization known as a tubal ligation was performed, leaving her mentally distraught and incapable of bearing more children.

“There was no medical reason for them to do this,” Savicki told the Herald. “That’s my choice. This is my body. I wanted the IUD so later if I felt I wanted more children, I could have more.”

Savicki said she did not sign a written consent for a tubal ligation, which under federal and state regulations is required at least 30 days in advance for all MassHealth patients who want a permanent sterilization procedure.

Savicki’s attorney, Max Borten of Waltham, alleges that his client’s human and constitutional rights were violated and that the hospital had a “total breakdown of protocols.”

“There were violations at many, many levels,” said Borten, a former obstetrician and gynecologist who practiced as a physician for more than 30 years in Massachusetts.

Medical records sought

Borten provided the Herald with a Baystate Medical Center letter on Savicki’s case, signed on May 22, 2009, by an employee of the hospital’s Health Information Management System department. It reads: “We regret to tell you that in spite of carefully and thoroughly searching, we have been unable to locate the following medical records: ‘Tubal consent form for December 2006.’ ”

The signed letter was sent by Baystate to one of Savicki’s previous attorneys, Borten said.

Baystate spokeswoman Jane Albert confirmed that the document was signed and sent by an employee in the Health Information Management System department. She declined to comment on it.

She also declined to comment on Savicki’s allegations or the lawsuit. The hospital was served with the lawsuit Dec. 15, she said.

“There’s pending litigation. We can’t comment and that holds true for the doctors,” Albert said.

Savicki is suing Drs. Michael P. Plevyak and James Kuo Chang Wang and a third physician who has not yet been served, as well as two nurses and the medical center, according to the complaint, filed on Nov. 24 in Hampden Superior Court. The complaint alleges Savicki suffered “substantial pain and emotional distress and incurred severe and permanent physical injuries.”

Plevyak and Wang did not respond to calls and e-mails seeking comment. On Dec. 16, Albert issued this statement to the Herald on their behalfs: “I cannot comment on this as it is in litigation.”

Savicki said she brought the IUD into the operating room, unopened and in a box, on Dec. 19, 2006. She said she handed the box to the nurse prior to the planned Caesarean section. Her medical record notes that the IUD was to be implanted following delivery, according to the complaint.