Friday, May 30, 2008

What hurts the most

Rascal Flatts ( dreadful name for a band, shudder)
But their songs are really beautiful.
And they sure as hell don't look country...

"What Hurts The Most"

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tropical Storm Alma

Not even the first official day of the Season, and a system has formed.
It is supposed to make landfall in Central America.
This does not bode well for the next many months

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

House hunting

I suppose instead of burying my head in the sand, I need to start seriously thinking that I may need to sell this house, and buy something smaller and more affordable.
I have no clue where to look yet, the thought of moving breaks my heart...but I likely won't have a choice.
I'll be honest, if I have to get another job, it will likely be the straw that breaks the camels back emotionally.
Working the shifts I already work is exhausting. My job is often physically tiring, not to mention the considerable emotional toll it takes.
But I'm getting deeper and deeper in a hole financially, and I only have enough money to pay the taxes in November, then I'm clueless as to how I'll be able to pay the homeowners insurance next April.
So.....the unthinkable may be the only choice I have.
My only concern would be finding something in a place where Lil one can stay in her current school, so her life is minimally disrupted.
What a sad state of affairs huh?
The American dream is to work hard, and then enjoy the fruits of your labor.
That is far from what most of America seems to be living right now, not just me.
I grew up in a house that didn't have central heating, with frost on the inside of the windows on frigid cold NY mornings.
I slept in a second hand bed, with a second hand mattress. All the furniture in our house was second hand as well, given to us by relatives.
Looking at childhood pictures, I see that we were dressed in hand me down boys clothing from relatives or wherever in the hell my parents got the clothes from.
And as little girls, my sister and I wore little boys bathing suit bottoms, because I guess Mom didn't see the need to buy a girls suit.
My god I wanted a girls bathing suit when I was small. I wanted a pretty suit with colors, or bows or flowers.
I wore a winter coat purchased at the second hand store, a coat I hated with a passion, but it was the only coat I had.
There was never extra money for the things I wanted with all my heart.
Ballet lessons and art instruction. I remember sitting in my room for hours, drawing pictures of ballerinas I saw in a book of Degas' art. I would fantasize about how I was able to be one of them. Strong, graceful and most of all beautiful.
But Mom said we couldn't afford it, and I would never stick with it anyway, so there was no point.
We didn't have bananas, or orange juice in the house often, because Mom would say, if I buy them, you'll just eat/drink it all.
Isn't that the point?
I got my first job at 16 as a nurses aide, working in a local Nursing home..and for minimum wage cleaned butts and fed people.
I went to nursing school in high school because it was made very apparent to me that there was no money for college, nor was much expected of me academically.
As an adult, I realized as I went over my old school records that I was likely gifted. And bored. I didn't try much in school, and passed by the skin of my teeth. I simply didn't care because there was no encouragement or focus on me to do so.
Simple, basic fact.
My sister was the bright beautiful one, and she went to college right out of high school and traveled, made friends and was generally pretty successful at everything she laid a hand on, and I guess we both just fulfilled the expectations that were placed upon us.
Every single thing I have, I fought for. I worked and went to school seven days a week when I finally went to college ( at 23 with loans)
I did that for almost three years.
And funny enough, this is not a pity party post, just a simple statement of facts.
I have worked hard, and struggled most of my life and damn it all I am tired..
Bone tired and weary.
I've been working for 34 years, and I may lose the home I love. The first home I chose, and have enjoyed every single day I've lived in it.
I used to pray for love, an end to my eternal loneliness and peace of mind.
Now all I pray for is money.
How sad is that?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

One of the benefits of being broke

I weighed myself, I've lost 20 lbs !!!!
I make a pot of lentil black bean soup and that lasts me about four days.
I also make one box of high fiber pasta to add to it
The mix is healthy and cheap and I pack it in portion control containers to make it last
I snack on bologna or cheese, and I'm not terribly hungry any more
So, weight loss.
Who knew finances would get me losing weight I wanted to lose anyway?
God knows what I'll do if I get sick of it, but its been three months or so, and frankly its just food
More funds for bills and Lil one
GO ME!!!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Severe weather watch

Till 9pm for severe thunderstorms.
Lil one is going to a party, and I'm so tired right now I could care less if the house blows away, so long as it takes me with
Another wasted day..
I'm feeling frozen, like I can't move forward or back or sideways or any which ways..
I think after I drop her off I'm going to take a shower and climb into bed..
I just want to sleep and not dream..
Just escape...
I'm just tired of worrying about money and everything...

Friday, May 23, 2008

And can you believe

I paid for Lil ones online driving tests..the drug and alcohol testing and the permit test..30$
When Ex was taking her yesterday to get her driving permit, he asked if I had given her the 20$ fee, but that it was ok, he'd pay and then I could just pay him back!
Lil one said she told him I paid for the online stuff, and he said that the 20$ should come out of the child support he paid.
She told him, Mom didn't ask for you to pay it or to take me, you offered.
He said, oh I know you're Mom wouldn't ask,,,and I'll pay, its fine.
Can you believe that?
Child support is to put a roof over her head, clothes on her back and food in her stomach.
Child support is also based on a fifty fifty custody, which would include the expense he'd have if he actually HAD her fifty percent of the time, which he doesn't.
Generally he sees her for about two hrs a week. He's lucky I don't want to take him back to court for more money, which I could. In reality I have sole custody, and the expense that goes along with that which is SIZEABLE.
I'd rather struggle like I am tyvm.
What a guy huh?

Rainy weather

Today, thank God..
I hope its the beginning finally of the rainy season, we need the rain badly.
I'm sitting on the patio reading, and just listening to the thunder rumble in the distance, and watch the rain as I glance up from my book.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I'm selfish enough to say, why him and not me?
Why am I struggling at my age, I've been working since I was sixteen...and ...well anyway...
Enjoy the story. I sure didn't.
And its not the first time the family has won money..
Go figure

19-year-old S.C. man wins $35 million Powerball jackpot By PAGE IVEY
Associated Press Writer
Monday, May. 19, 2008
updated 6:58 pm
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP)- Jonathan Vargas turns 20 in July. But he relied on the ages of close relatives instead of his own when he picked the six winning numbers for Saturday's $35.3 million Powerball jackpot.

The Gaston construction worker said his two younger brothers turn 12 and 14 this year; his sister will be 15 and his older brother will be 21. Their mom turned 43 earlier this year. And the winning red ball number?

"As far as 30 — just a lucky guess," he said Monday at a news conference announcing him as the winner.

While other winning Powerball tickets have been sold in South Carolina, state lottery director Ernie Passailaigue said Vargas, who went to Airport High School in Lexington County, is the first winner who lives in the state.

Passailaigue said Vargas likely will take the lump sum payment, estimated at $17.3 million, instead of the annuity that pays out the larger jackpot amount over 29 years.

Vargas said he plans to buy his mother a house and quit work.

"Right now, there 's no really big plans in the works," he said. The first thing he plans to do is get a lawyer and a financial consultant. He said he already has an accountant — his aunt.

Vargas said the numbers came to him while he was at work. He was having a bottle of juice and saw that the expiration date on the bottle was his birthday. He said a voice in his head told him, "Your family is going to bring you success and fortune."

"I heard the numbers in my head," he said. "I called my mom and said write these numbers down."

He also wrote the numbers on a napkin and tucked it away in his pocket. He still has the napkin. He was holding it when he watched the drawing Saturday night.

"When it got to the third number, I knew I had it," he said. "I was grateful. I was crying. It was a very emotional moment for me."

Vargas, who admitted he's still a little scared by the prospect of being a millionaire at his young age, said the money is "a blessing from God."

"You never ask the Lord why you are blessed," he said. "I'm not going to ask the Lord why he put it in my hands."

He plans to give some money to his church and may look into going to college or getting into the real estate business. He also plans to set up a trust fund for his four siblings who inspired the winning numbers.

Although Vargas said Saturday was the first time he had played the lottery, it's not the first big win for his family. His parents, Patricia and Anthony Richardson, said they won $10,000 in a scratch-off game in the early days of the South Carolina lottery.

Ex is taking Lil one to get her permit tomorrow

I can't believe my baby is old enough to drive. Here in Florida, you can get a permit at 15.
I'll dig out the stuff he needs, her passport, her social security card and her birth certificate, since she simply COULD NOT WAIT...LOL..he agreed to take her tomorrow.
I work tomorrow, so I couldn't take her
OMG, driving.
I remember the day she was born....that was one of the best and worst years of my life...and to have her? I wouldn't change a thing.
Not the fact that my marriage ended, not any of it..
I got her, and she is the one constant love in my life next to BFF.
What would I do without my loved ones and friends?
I am blessed in that way, and I often don't acknowledge it, but I am.
Thank you Lord.

Supposed to get up to 95 degrees today

And its Lil ones 15th B'day.
I feel more at peace today than I have in a very long time.
I am just accepting, living each moment as it comes..and realizing that no matter what I say or do, life goes on in its steady plodding way.
Acceptance, thats got to be the key.
You can rail and fight against life all you want, but it will stomp all over you anyway in its relentless march of time.
So rise up, and try to go with the flow.
You really have no choice do you?
And its less painful than being stomped

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Eyes burn and itchy

And throat scratchy, so walking is not safe right now.
Gym tomorrow then

Monday, May 19, 2008

Wildfires update

My eyes have been burning and itchy for a few days...thats what I'm experiencing here.
I sure wish it would rain.

By Akilah Johnson and Andrew Ba Tran |
1:04 PM EDT, May 19, 2008
FORT LAUDERDALE - Broward County residents with breathing problems or allergies are being told to stay indoors today as smoke continues to waft in from South Florida wildfires.

Those who are at most risk are infants, children, pregnant women, older adults and anyone with heart or respiratory problems, said Maribel Fields, a manager for the Broward County Air Quality Program, which issued the health advisory.

"We advise that people avoid using bandanas or masks because they do not help prevent exposure to smoke," she said.

No advisory was issued in Palm Beach County.

The National Weather Service issued a dense smoke advisory until 10 a.m. today for the three counties, as well as Glades and Hendry counties.

"But tonight, with smoke still blowing across the area, there's a very good chance we'll have to put out another one," said Andy Tingler, a meteorologist for the weather service in Miami.

Though visibility is expected to improve, stubborn southeastern winds will linger through the day, according to the weather service.

More than 51,800 acres of the Everglades National Park in Miami-Dade County and land near Lake Okeechobee had burned in fires on Sunday that were only 20 and 50 percent contained respectively, according to the Florida Division of Forestry.

The fires posed no threat to Broward or Palm Beach counties.

Sunday's dense smoke advisory was the second since Friday.

Adding to the weekend's discomfort were hot temperatures, which forecasters said kept the smoke at bay during the day.

The high in Broward today was expected to hit 88 degrees, according to the weather service.

Last night, and Today

Well, I had a dreadful nights sleep...who knows why.
Odd vivid dreams, which I can't even remember right now.
I woke at 4 and stayed up..after I took Lil one to school, I tried to lay back down...I FINALLY started to drift off around 10 and someone knocked on the damn door.
Prolly because it took me by surprise, I startled awake, and my heart was pounding away at a mile a minute...
I got up, they were gone already, damn Jehovah Witnesses..
Oh, and I got an email from Mom, telling me that she knows I'm strong, and that I'll survive.
LOL...go Mom..
I am the third in line to survive without a man. My grandmother was widowed at 33, my Dad got sick when I was about 13 and I'm divorced and alone.
What a trend huh?
The first two survived, and so shall I.
After much prayer ( MUCH PRAYER ) I am finally feeling something closer to peace about being alone.
I don't think this world is bound to last forever at the rate we are destroying it, and I think that as scary as the prospect is of going thru it all alone, I have no choice, so I just pray for strength and resilience..

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Ok with being alone

I am going to apply for a second job tomorrow.
If I dont get more money soon, I will lose my house for lack of the money to pay the insurance and taxes next year
And since I am going to be the soul breadwinner for the forseeable future, I need to find something or face the unfaceable
I'll survive, that's what I do best

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Productive day

Took the boys for their annual exams and vaccines, and came home and cleaned.
I thorougly vacuumed their room, and sprinkled that arm and hammer stuff to freshen the carpet up.
Swept the patio, cleaned the family room..
Very very productive day IMHO..

Lots of sick people in the world

To think of the lives in danger, the homes lost, because of some sick bastards setting fires.
This time of year is a danger for floridians..the dry season hasn't ended yet, and things are tinder waiting to explode.

Arson Arrest Made in Florida Wildfires
Posted: 2008-05-14 10:44:40
Filed Under: Nation News, Natural Disaster
PALM BAY, Fla. (May 14) - Authorities in a Florida town where at least 40 homes have been gutted by wildfires have arrested a man they believe may have sparked the blazes.

Palm Bay Deputy Police Chief Doug Muldoon says the man was arrested Wednesday morning. No other information is being released until a news conference with other city officials.

The fires reported in Brevard County have burned more than 15 square miles. Officials say they're getting closer to containing the blazes.

The Florida Division of Forestry says 40 homes in the Palm Bay area were destroyed and about 120 other structures were damaged. Officials said the total damage estimate was approximately $9.6 million.

The wildfires got help from two classic Florida phenomenon: rampant development and a year-round growing season.

Experts said the fires reported in Brevard County that have burned roughly 10,000 acres - or more than 15 square miles - have found ample fuel because the state has not been able to hold controlled burns near development to cut back vegetation.

That means firefighters are battling palmetto palms that should be knee-high, but have been allowed to grow for 20 or 30 years, said Dale Armstrong, senior forester with the state's Division of Forestry.

Florida's endless growing season and waxy plants that can burn while still green are also culprits, said Ken Outcalt, a research plant ecologist with the U.S. Forest Service.

"The fuels in Florida are mostly live plants, unlike in the West where it's usually dead fuel that's accumulated underneath the trees," he said.

The Brevard County fires present two kinds of firefighting challenges simultaneously because the vegetation is mixed so closely with homes. The buildings impede traditional forest firefighting techniques such as plowing lines of dirt in the flames' path or lighting backfires, Outcalt said.

"It's unconscionable that somebody would do this to another man or woman, put them in jeopardy," Gov. Charlie Crist said shortly after flying over the damaged areas where he declared a state of emergency.

The Florida Division of Forestry said 40 homes in the Palm Bay area were destroyed and about 120 other structures, including homes and outbuildings, were damaged. Officials said the total damage estimate was approximately $9.6 million.

Authorities said Tuesday they had "a majority" of the Palm Bay fires contained and were getting better control over the fires in nearby Malabar, where firefighters slept in shifts on cots lined up in the volunteer fire station.

The destruction was hard for Veda VanFleet to fathom as she stood amid the charred remains of the two-story home her husband, Butch, built almost 30 years ago in Malabar. She remembered the treehouse her three boys used to play in out back and the basketball hoop in the front yard.

"It's gone. It's all gone," said VanFleet, who cried all day Monday and awoke with resolve Tuesday to pick through the ashes where she and her husband planned to rebuild.

Palm Bay schools were to be closed again Wednesday. Smoke and the proximity of the flames have caused the intermittent closure of major highways in the area, including a 34-mile section of Interstate 95 that was closed midmorning Tuesday.

"This really won't be over until it rains. Until it rains, the threat is going to be ever-present," said State Emergency Management Director Craig Fugate. Forecasts show little chance of rain until at least the weekend.

Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Feeling lazy today

Theres so much I need to do, that I ended up doing nothing...
But I have plans to clean tomorrow, and take the doggies for their annual exams and shots..
Once I drop lil one at school, I'm going to try and make it a productive day.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


Coming undone...
No reason for it...I just love it.
This may be the song that ex said to me, you call this music?
HELL YES...I call this

Fall out boy

Grand theft autumn by Fall out boy

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

When I wake up,
I'm willing to take my chances
On the hope you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you.
( For you so)

You need him.
I could be him....
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

Someday I'll appreciate in value,
get off my ass and call you...
But for the meantime I'll sport my brand new fashion
Of waking up with pants off at 4:00 in the afternoon.

You need him.
I could be him....
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

(We Wont Find It)
We Wont Find It
(We Wont Find It)
We Wont Find It

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman.
Maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Hurricane season

Starts June 1st
I emailed ex..and asked him if he would still be willing to help with prep if a storm heads this way, also invited him to feel free to shelter with us if he wanted to.
Lil one and I discussed it, and decided he could sleep in her room..
He sent me back a very nice mail, that he would be glad to help prep with us, set up the generator etc, but that he was likely to have to stay at work during any storms..
We, if needed, will prep and Lil one and I will stay here together.
Scary, I've never been here alone with her during a storm.
The one time I was alone, was in NY during Floyd, and let me tell you that was scary as hell.

Just worked two days

Got a God bless you from one patient, overheard another patients daughter telling someone I was wonderful, and withdrew support on another.
Mixed blessings shifts..

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Pineapples in buckets

I found these two lying on the ground next to the plants..
I may well have knocked them loose while when I noticed they were on the ground, I stuck them in buckets with water..

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Every day

This is for David, Claire, Deb, and most especially Rhapsody, BFF

They all put up with me, and love me anyway..and I thank God for them.
I must be doing at least a few things right to have deserved such support..

You could have bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know to leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way
The messes that i made
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
every day
every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and crowded out
And you are a comfort
Sometimes the place I go is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know
I don't know

How every day
every day
every day
You save my life
Sometimes I swear I don't know if I am coming or going
But you always say something without even knowing
That I am hanging onto your words with all my might
And it's alright
Yeah I am alright
For one more night
Every day

Every day
Every day
Every day
Every day
Every day
Every day
Every day
You save me
You save me
Na na na na na na-ah
Every day
Every day
Every day

Every day
You save my life

Rascal Flatts ( dreadful name for a band, but this song is LOVELY)

My Horoscope for today

Today's Horoscopes:May 01, 2008

Horoscope by Rick Levine
Your ruling planet Pluto receives pleasurable benefits from the attention of sweet Venus today, making you more likely to take a risk in love without fearfully attempting to control the outcome. Expressing the feelings in your heart now can be fun if you are willing to go for an emotional ride, no matter where it takes you.