Friday, November 30, 2007


I bought it from watched it a few times over the last few days.
Some great quotes including..
"And someday you'll drop dead and I'll wear a red dress to your funeral!"

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Comfort food

I am stuffed ...I made some Ditalini with plain Ragu.
Pasta is comfort food..
I needed some comfort...
So, I'm stuffed and uncomfortable

My song......

This song...tears me up because its me...Its the first song, Over and Over.
Enjoy the gorgeous Three Days Grace

My final decision

Is to maintain my distance from my family.
It is no longer feasible that its the whole world thats wrong, not me.

Sad time of the year

I wish I could just climb into bed and pretend that Christmas doesn't exist.
But it does...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The tomato plant, after only 8 days

After only 8 days, the growth is amazing.
Florida is amazing, life is so vibrant here.

Friday, November 23, 2007

And finally..before I take a break to watch Shrek the 3rd again..

One of the loveliest songs
The Bee Gees..

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

Now I have two holidays with a memory .....

My father died on Easter Sunday.

My heart was broken on Thanksgiving Day.

Fitting perhaps, that I am paying off Karma from a past life that must be so awful, it leads me on a path of loneliness and pain..

Pity party? Damn straight..I deserve it..and I'm going to attend, although I'm the only one

And upon a broken heart...

It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but to forget someone takes a life time.

Take away love and our earth is a tomb.
Robert Browning

When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
Kahlil Gibran

Well Blog Faithful....its clear now

That I am meant to be alone..
I've only been in love twice in my life, and I simply cannot imagine being that fortunate again.
I am, as I've been told many times, quite a handful..
And I have realized that I am NOT WORTH the struggle and sacrifice it takes to make love work.
Its ok, I took that key and locked that door inside my protect my heart. And there it will stay.
But again, I'll say it, I may not love wisely, but I do love well.
And I can honestly say that at least I was brave enough to put my whole heart on the line, even if it was hurt.
Its the final time, you see.
I'll wait for him, theres no doubt in my mind.
I will simply carry on as I have for the last 49 years. Mostly alone, and trying to be strong.
Prayers welcome, altho I am seriously doubting the worthiness of my being the receipt of same.
Blogging will continue soon

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Christmas lights on here already

At some neighborhood homes. I want to get the stuff down out of the attic this weekend and sort thru what I'm going to use.
I can't do the house outside really, not good with over the head stuff due to arthritis in my shoulders, but I can do ground stuff I guess.
I want to make the inside of the house festive tho..I have to..

Not feeling right

I am having some issues swallowing at drinks and it gets stuck halfway down my esophagus..
Also having lots of lil aches and pains in my chest and neck area....groan..
Wonder if its from the fall the other know how those things can linger long afterward in acheys and such..

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

New tomato plant

I had to sacrifice the accidental plant.
Other than the one bloomed and bloomed and nothing.
I guess because it was from a tomato from another plant....
Anyway, this is different..a hybrid Cherry tom
Note the size please blog faithful, I will take pics as it grows

Breaking Benjamin

I love this song..


I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Frog in pineapple plant

Thanksgiving for Lil one

Will be at my sisters.
Her dad was invited to the house of a german couple he knows from the beach, and he accepted and told lil one she could go with him...oh yeah...a holiday spent with strangers...
She decided to go to my sisters. I'm very grateful my sister invited her.
I may go in to work, I still haven't decided.
But the idea of spending the day very unsettling.
I'll have to see what happens.
But the boys will be here with me...we can watch the stupid parade together , or miracle on 34th street..sigh

I kinda slipped and hit my head

Last nite. I kinda slipped and fell into the Roman Bathtub, and hit my head in a couple of places..
The right side of my head hurts when I touch it, and I have sore ribs and hip and thigh on the right side. Thank god lil one heard me fall and came to the rescue, helping me get up out of the tub.
I have a headache right now. Maybe some coffee will help, I haven't had any yet, didn't get up officially until 10 am

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

Tonite was too funny

When I made a quick stop at the Shell station to pick a few things up.
A young man asked for a pack of condoms..and the guy behind the counter went to his requested brand...stopped and said...regular or warming?
POOR KID..everyone laughed...he said I don't know..
So...the guy paid for his protection, and the clerk said, someone is getting lucky tonite..the kid said..I don't know, but I want to be prepared..
As he was almost to the door...I said out of the blue, I sure hope you went with the warming ones..
The kid made an about face and came back to the counter, the clerk said, wanna exchange them, sounds like a womans point of view..I'd listen...LOL
I said hey, I happen to be a medical professional...Lol lol
Sometimes I just say the darnedest things. and....
P.S. I have no idea what the difference is, Ex refused to wear condoms ( can't
interrupt the feelings you know...snort..)

Self and defense

the door is made of ash, or oak
the material matters not
the strength is all that counts
the lock that rests beside the nob
is large and cold, and easily filled
with the key that keeps the world at bay
safety inside and pain without.
inside the door, inside the room
a tiny girl rests on the bed
clutching close her teddy bear
the bell in his ear will gently trill
frm time to time, when he is jostled.
and by her side the woman sits
defender of the child
the bear whose soft pink fur
is worn and tattered with love
her heart has had enough.
the very things the woman fears
the things the child had learned.
together they share the key to the door
and try to save each other
"every nite i save you"

This is the first thing I've written in quite a while.
My muse has been battling me...always teasing me with thoughts and words..
I don't know if this is any good, but its mine.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Shudder.... Irony thou art ironic...

Authorities confirm suspect killed by gator while fleeing police

Related Links
Video: Man killed by alligator attack.
MICCOSUKEE INDIAN RESERVATION, Fla. (AP) -- A man who jumped into an alligator-infested lake as he fled police died from a gator attack, authorities said Wednesday.

Justo Padron, 36, of West Miami-Dade, was burglarizing a vehicle near the Miccosukee Resort and Convention Center last Thursday when police arrived, according to the tribe.

Padron fled and jumped into a nearby lake where a sign warns people: "Danger Live Alligators."

His body was recovered a day later with what appeared to be alligator teeth marks on his upper torso.

The Miami-Dade Medical Examiner's Office confirmed Wednesday that Padron died of an alligator attack. His death has been classified an accident.

An accomplice, who was not identified, surrendered and was arrested, said Dexter Lehtinen, a tribe attorney.

Lehtinen said the two men were not members of the Miccosukee Tribe.

Padron was wanted by authorities since September for violating his probation after pleading guilty in June to cocaine possession, according to The Miami Herald.

He was arrested more than a dozen times since 1989 for various charges including burglary, robbery and drug possession, the newspaper reported. Padron was released from prison in 2002 after a six-year sentence for burglary.

The 9-foot-3-inch alligator suspected in the attack was killed.

(Copyright 2007 by The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved.)

And warblers

Altho I have no certain idea what breed...they are so fast, its hard to watch and identify them
The winter over here, and I often seem them going thru the yard, feeding off the insects in the grass.
This morning I sat and listened also, the the cry of the Osprey as it circled overhead..

The hawk migration

Is here..the sky is filled with hawks, circling...
I have two
unenhanced the other enhanced so you can actually see them better.

Forty days

And forty nights.

Peter sings christmas carols
LOL...I couldn't find this on youtube, it was blocked. This is some random persons myspace, but the video is one of my favorite peter moments

Last day of my lil vacation

I got up early to drive lil one to school..and I stayed up for the first time in a week.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
BFF is out of town with her son for a debate tournament, and I'll be there without her, which always makes the shifts last so much longer.
Its a beautiful day here, 75 degrees right now, and there is a cold front coming, so we should cool down quite a bit later.
There is still so much to do here, altho yesterday I cleaned Lil ones toilet and shower/tub which all required hazmat equipment, and a certain lack of self concern for my safety and long term
So I did get a bit done I guess.
Also did those sprinkler heads..yay me. much to do, and I have no energy half the time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Unsettling news....

Lil one told me my sister and her dh spent Ex's birthday with him...for dinner.
How sweet..
I spent my birthday sweet.

And I'm still loves bitch

I called and left him a message last night..
Just wanted to hear the voice of that automated chick have reached...blah blah blah...
Sigh..what a fool for love am I

God bless Ebay

I have just about finished my Christmas Shopping..
My sister has Downs Syndrome..and is obsessed with the movie Dirty Dancing.
I got her a movie poster, I'll frame it and I'm hoping she will love it.

Some pics from yesterday

Three pinapples for L's Dh..
Golden dewdrop blooming in the backyard.
Airplants on a palm tree in the backyard
Sunset last nite

Awaiting the blooms

Its almost ready...I can't believe its finally going to bloom


I fixed three sprinkler heads yesterday...and I ROCK..LOL

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Oh and as for the Holidays

I'm working Christmas Eve and Day, and volunteered for New years day as well..
I need the money, and have no plans for either holiday other than Christmas morning with my girl
I am working 1pm-7pm on Christmas.

Birthday countdown is over....

My BFF L made me a pineapple upside down cake, took me out to lunch, and then called me today while I was out walking and sang the birthday song to me, left me a voicemail.
My friday at work was very difficult.
The problem with Ex's check, the fact that I couldn't do anything about it with him out of the country and out of contact...and then one of my coworkers who is a tough tough broad, got all teary and offered to lend me money. That blew me away.
And then I hate being fussed over for my birthday since I'm not used to it...
Lil one is going to her Dad's tonite for his birthday.
How awful is that, to share your birthday with your Ex?
I'll tell you, it sucks a big ole hairy, and I don't mean that in a good way.
But I had a good walk, pathetic me cried a good bit which is difficult when you are out in public and don't want people to see you blubbering like a
So tomorrow I'll drive out to the beach to pick Lil one up at her dads ( he is working tomorrow) and we will go out to lunch on the "celebrate" my birthday.
I hate birthdays...groan..

Well the dreaded day has arrived

And despite the fact that I haven't spoken to my mom in almost three months, she sent me a birthday card with a 50$ bill in it.
I of course blocked out the salutation...remaining nameless of course except as Melodybleu.
The card says..happy birthday from me, and mini has a sense of humor so like my own..I guess thats where I get mine from huh?


Last time I looked at my hug meter it was 15
This morning its almost 400!
Hugs, albeit cyber ones, feel great.
And my life has been sadly lacking in physical contact of any kind let alone hugs
So thank you for the hugs blog faithful.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Watching South Park

And the real story of easter...
St Peter was really a rabbit..and those that remember and revere him are members of the
Hare club for men..

And another purchase

I know...I know...I'm broke..but it looks so cool
Spare toilet paper stacker thingy..I have it on the corner of the roman tub in the master bath

L's gift

Its Santy Claus...I LOVE IT..Currently hanging in my master bathroom..

And the ultimate weird

After thirty years...I've started smoking again.
Who knows why..
Lil one is horrified..truth be told so am I
But on the bright side I'm not a raving drunkard...
Manly yes...but I like it too.

Have to pay the piper

Updated my resume, and I'm applying for a second job.
There is no putting it off any more, I need another job if I'm not going to lose my house ( a.k.a. have to sell it next year)
Sigh...picking up another burden here..

Its over

He was captured.

Broward schools on lockdown

Because of the shooting of a Broward Sheriff Deputy.
From what he did, he is desperate to escape.
I don't normally arm my alarm system during the day, but I have this morning.
Watching the news and waiting to hear whats going to happen..the schools are locked down until further notice

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

L is taking me out to lunch

For my Birthday...
She's a friend in a million

What a difference 31 days can make..

Its amazing what depth of clarity can arrive..unasked for..unannounced..just BAM.
Patience is never a thing I have had...not easily at least.
Its part of being someone who has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, part of Panic Disorder and I guess OCD...
that worry and obsession can change things..
I've had a real breakthrough, a huge one for me..
God is a prankster all right..and I'm working on it still..
Working on just letting GO..and allowing things to happen as they are meant to.

Corinthians 13:4

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”

Second excitement of the week ( month)

Ok..I emailed another author..the one that wrote about the bad review that almost killed her desire to finish a story series I adore.
SHE WROTE I wrote back..and made her laugh big
I'm cool like that.. :-)

The fabulous wonderful Niamh..
I am such a sucker, still for Spuffy fanfic. Loves Bitch, thats me.
Excerpt from Book One..Origins

Sometimes great revelations come in the middle of a hectic, noise filled day. Sometimes they come after long hours of thought and contemplation. Sometimes they come after taking apart a situation and looking at it with fresh eyes. But sometimes, revelations come in the middle of the night, held tight in the embrace of someone you shouldn’t care about. Sometimes, great revelations sneak up and you don’t realize you’ve reached it until the moment is upon you.

Cuddled in Spike’s embrace, her tears drying on his shirt, Buffy came to a realization, a profound revelation. She was safe. Safer than she’d ever been. Possibly even safer than she’d been as a small child. Definitely the safest she’d ever been since becoming the slayer. And the reason why?

The reason why held her in his arms.

A second, no less profound realization struck her. This feeling had been building for years.

For years.

Since Angelus had tried to awaken Acathla and Spike had come to her seeking an alliance. There’d been an instant feeling of relief knowing he had promised to watch her back.

Oh sure, there had been bumps and set-backs since – the Gem of Amara fiasco the most notable – but really, they’d been building on that first initial moment ever since.

With Spike, when he was on her side, she was safe.

She remembered a phrase from a book she’d read before they had moved from Los Angeles. Couldn’t remember the title or the author, or even what the story was about, but she remembered this phrase:
‘where do the strong go when they need to be weak?’

For a very long time she hadn’t understood that. It wasn’t until after she’d been chosen that she started to understand even slightly. But now she understood it perfectly.

Where do the strong go when they need to be weak?

For her, it was here, with Spike.

Monday, November 05, 2007

And as now I lay me down to sleep....

I leave you with this poem....


by: Willa Cather (1873-1947)

In the tavern of my heart
Many a one has sat before,
Drunk red wine and sung a stave,
And, departing, come no more.
When the night was cold without,
And the ravens croaked of storm,
They have sat them at my hearth,
Telling me my house was warm.

As the lute and cup went round,
They have rhymed me well in lay;--
When the hunt was on at morn,
Each, departing, went his way.
On the walls, in compliment,
Some would scrawl a verse or two,
Some have hung a willow branch,
Or a wreath of corn-flowers blue.

Ah! my friend, when thou dost go,
Leave no wreath of flowers for me;
Not pale daffodils nor rue,
Violets nor rosemary.
Spill the wine upon the lamps,
Tread the fire, and bar the door;
So despoil the wretched place,
None will come forevermore.


Ok...whats the best thing to come out of a penis.....

Answer:..the wrinkles..
badummm bummmmm...

Saturday, November 03, 2007

ok...well screw that...

Its lonely as hell, moreso outside when it just makes me think how perfect the weather is for snuggling..
Back inside..listening to Staind now..

And since its an hr back tonite

And the air is cool and lovely, I'm going to sit outside alone and stare at the stars..and wait for answers to lifes questions.
Paper or plastic?
Damned if I know..I just always say plastic.

And ...this song makes me sad..don't know why

America, Simon and Garfunkel

Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together
I've got some real estate here in my bag
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner's pies
And we walked off to look for America
Cathy I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
Michigan seems like a dream to me now
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America
Laughing on the bus playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said be careful his bow tie is really a camera
Toss me a cigarette I think there's one in the raincoat
We smoked the last one an hour ago
So I looked at the scenery she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field
Cathy I'm lost I said though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all come to look for America
All come to look for America

"All I Know"

(As recorded by Art Garfunkel)

I bruise you
You bruise me
We both bruise too easily
Too easily, to let it show
I love you and that's all I know.

All my plans
Are falling through
All my plans depend on you
Depend on you, to help them grow
I love you and that's all I know.

When the singer's gone, let the song go on.

But the ending always comes at last
Endings always come too fast
They come too fast
But they pass too slow
I love you and that's all I know.

When the singer's gone, let the song go on
It's a fine line between the darkness and the dawn
They say in the darkest night, there's a light beyond.

But the ending always comes at last
Endings always come too fast
They come too fast
But they pass too slow
I love you and that's all I know
That's all I know
That's all I know-oh...oh-oh.

Lil ones songs...and how they hook me

She has played this one over and over...puts her Itunes on replay..
And I'll be damned if I can't stop thinking of it...

Remembering Sunday By All Time Low

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Starting making his way past 2 in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days

Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last
Like the feeling of what he needs

Now this place is familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
Left him dying to get in

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother,
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm going to ask her to marry me

Even though she doesn't believe in love,
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut

Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother,
But have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm going to ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds
Are following me in my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, whoever she may be

I'm not coming back, I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt; now the rain is just
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
So many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, towering over your head

I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home now
I guess I'll go home

This warms a mamas

Other folks, they'd be upset that their plant was stripped...but me?
Its why I plant the milkweed, and it does a quasi butterfly mamas heart good to see the caterpillars munching away..
These are the 'pillars of the Zebra Longwing

And before I go out for my walk.....

i carry your heart with me
by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Thoughts of love for today, a poem

Sonnets from the Portuguese XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'--
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,--
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby !
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I lost all my hugs

The site went down for a bit..I thought they were gone so I deleted my hug meter which was at over 300
Its back up, so I added my hug meter back, and started at zero
Hug me folks..

Ist cold front of the season ushering thru..

Which means we are getting to the end of the rainy season...
Hurricane season officially ends Nov 30th..
Tonite is daylight savings..
So many changes..
Its only 77 outside right now..breezy...its supposed to dip into the 60's tonite.
And I feel blue.
Want to be festive for Lil one, but finding it very difficult to dig deep down for it.
Knowing that today, Ex is winging his way off for a week in Barbados.
I can't even buy a map of Barbados..

My excitement for the week...

I emailed a spuffy site for membership. I did it because one of my favorite Authors had said she received a bad review that made it difficult for her to finish a story..that I am following..
The site doesn't allow anoymous I emailed to join.
And guess who the membership mod is?
THE favorite spuffy author..
I asked , she sent me her website so hell yeah its her.
What a treat....
Shes very talented, not just spuffy talented, but if she were publishing I'd read her work faithfully no matter what she wrote..
Shes GOOD..and has a way with words that draw me in..
So, thats my big thrill..
As L says..I need to get out more..

Just edited posts

Sorry for the duplicate lifehouse..I deleted it once already, and it came back...duh...too weird..

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Two bestest friends

Rhapsody whom I've known since I was four...
She is a rock..and a stalwart friend.
She supports me long distance from Ny..and we play scrabble together.
I know her like I know me.
L , who I met here , and I know God meant for us to meet.
She is my BFF soulmate...a best friend who is so like and unlike me that we never question each others actions.
She tells me the things I need to hear..and the things I don't
I'm very very lucky to have two people to vent to..and tell my troubles and loves to.
And they were the only two besides Lil one who supported my relationship with Marc.
And still do with
They BOTH don't want me to be they are on defensive mode.
And I love them both for it..
Cursed like Job in so many ways..and blessed in many others.
Damn blessings...don't even let a girl feel like a persecuted woman in totality..


Well I wanted to go to bed at 7:30, but a bunch of teenage greedy guts changed my mind.
I had the candy outside in two bowls...they robbed me
So I refilled and sat outside with the candy and sternly informed all that two was the max...roflmao
Lil one was at her friends....
Ex brought her home ( you coulda knocked me over with a tiny feather...)
Thats when I found out he was going to Barbados for a week.
BASTARD!!!! lol
I want to go to Barbados...not with him mind you...
But damn!!