Monday, April 30, 2007

A true die hard Romantic..Loves Bitch

Thats me..
When I read online..I read smut ...not porn, but romantic smut.
As I've said before..its Spuffycentric smut only. When there is sex, its always Buffy and Spike, and no matter how graphic it may be, its always couched in the frame of LOVE..not screwing mindlessly.
I adore Buffy and Spike together, it appeals strongly to the Loves Bitch within me.
Because as Spike says, I may be loves bitch, but at least I'm man ( woman ) enough to admit it.
And imagine, being Loves Bitch, and living with someone who said..kissing isn't my thing...who wouldn't touch me..hug me...anything for the last few years..
As the series wound down, it appears I am far from the only one who felt the writers had lost track of where the show was going with this relationship. There are apparently thousands upon thousands of people who try to express this thru their fiction. I some favorite authors. Holly, Barb C, Megan, Niamh, Eurydice, Ameeya to name a few. I believe that some of these are so prolific they write under pen names different from these so that they can keep the stories rolling out.
this excerpt is from one of my favorite spuffy authors, Holly

How unrealistic is this????? but damn its sooooo romantic and hot.
They meet, in this their dreams..and that allows them to come together and although there is some pain, mainly its with passion and love..In the real world its all pain, fighting and incredible obstacles keeping them apart
But in their mutual dreams..thats where they are free to be together, unfettered and allowed to love without punishment.
and my god...NOONE should look this
Now, that said..If you happen to be interested in entering the world of spuffy, the best place to start is
A wonderful story to start with by Niamh. Origins.
Novel length in two parts currently ( with a very smutty lil bridge story in between) it takes you thru the evolution of what happens after Buffy is resurrected. That event, allows her to see Spike in a different way, with far reaching consequences that go way off canon from the show..THANK
Another wonderful story to start with would be A raising in the Sun by Barb C.
Another story of Buffy's resurrection and the aftermath, also novel length.
Its the first in a series ..

All kudos to Holly from
A snippet from Dreamscape..a WIP by Holly

Perhaps if she’d been able to swallow her gasp, she could have wished herself awake.

Spike’s head shot up, the torn currents of his ocean-deep eyes burrowing into her with intensity that knocked the wind out of her. He was sitting on the corner of the bed, facing the wall that had served for weeks as her entry point to their secret rendezvous, and the minute their gazes clashed she felt every nerve of protest ram into every nerve of relief. God, she wanted to run into his arms and sob as he rocked her back and forth; she wanted to scream at him and beat on his chest and demand to know why he let her fall in love with him. Why he’d let her sink so miserably in a sentiment he could never return. She wanted to do so many things.

Mainly, she wanted to wake up.

Spike bounded to his feet, his eyes flashing in relief-drenched-outrage. “Where the bleeding hell have you been?” he demanded, storming forward.

Every cell in her body rocked closer to explosion. His proximity coupled with her tired, guilt-ridden soul had tears spilling down her cheeks in a blink. Buffy completely shut down, her back colliding with the wall behind her. Her body was torn—split with the agony of loving him and how much loving him had cost her. She couldn’t look him in the eye. She couldn’t stare into the face of the man who would be her killer. Her muscles were numb and her will was worn—she couldn’t fight him if he attacked, and she couldn’t hide herself.

He would tear her down and there was nothing she could do to stop him.

“Oh no,” Spike snarled, seizing her chin and jerking her face upward. “You don’ get to do that. You don’ get to disappear for three sodding weeks an’ then play it coy with me. Where the f**k have you been?”

Her skin buzzed and her body trembled. “Can you blame me?” she whispered. “After last time…you wanted this.”


“You said—”

“Bugger what I said! I din’t—”

And that was it. The proverbial last straw. Buffy could no longer hold her weight—everything came crashing down. Her legs buckled and she would have collapsed were it not for the sudden presence of Spike’s hands gripping her hips. The flood behind her eyes broke free on a sob, and everything around her blurred.

“I can’t do this,” she cried, her voice torn between a whisper and a wail. Her throat was raw from sobbing already but she couldn’t stop. “I can’t. You’re killing me. This…everything…you tear me down and then touch me like…like I matter. Like I matter to you. You accused me of ruining your life and then…and now you’re angry with me for leaving you alone? I did exactly what you wanted! I did exactly what you said you…I’ve given you everything. My God, I’ve given you…and it’s killing me. Seeing you is killing me. Not seeing you is killing me. These last weeks—”


“I’ve alienated everyone. My friends. Giles. God, Angel…” Cold stabbed her insides and she buckled again, and was again supported by her vampire’s commanding hands. “I hurt him so bad—”

Spike went rigid. “What did you do?”

Though she barely heard him, the ready answer rolled off her lips. “I wanted to forget you. I wanted to get back at you. I wanted to feel—”

“What did you do?” The growl in his voice snapped her back to reality, and though she knew she should have cowered at the feral possessiveness in his eyes, the whole of her couldn’t summon enough will to care. “Bleeding hell, Buffy, I’ll kill him. Did you let him f**k you? Did you—”

“No. I couldn’t do that.” And then, just because she wanted to make him bleed, because she wanted to validate what she’d done in some way even if the guilt remained permanent, she added, “I blew him,” in a voice that sounded anything like her own.

Spike’s answering roar of fury was immensely satisfying, though it left her feeling hollow. He threw his fist through the wall beside her head, the bones in his face shifting as his fangs descended. “You’re mine!” he snarled. “I’ll f**king kill him. I bloody swear it, the wanker’s dust. No one touches you. No one!”

“Yours?” Buffy repeated incredulously, a half-insane laugh ripping off her lips. “Yours, Spike? When? When you decide? During the time you think I’m not ruining your life? I wanted to make you hurt. I wanted to make you bleed because you’re killing me. You’re killing me and you don’t care. You only care that I won’t be here to screw when your real—”

“Stop it!”

“—girlfriend isn’t in the mood. I wanted to hurt you…I knew Angel would hurt you, and I wanted to hurt you. But instead I hurt Angel…and me. I hurt myself more than I hurt you. I—”

“Stop it!”


He cut her off by smashing his lips to hers, fangs and all. And the last string of her will snapped completely. Two roads converged in a yellow wood and she tore down each path with matched conviction. There was no fighting him—her heart hadn’t the strength and her body hadn’t the will. And at the same time, the part of her with mind enough to protest with the burden of knowledge understood she couldn’t battle her way back from this. Not from his sinful kisses or the mockingly tender way his hands caressed her skin. Not from the gentle murmurs he rumbled against her lips or the way his body trembled when he purred in pleasure. She both loved and hated him for it—for not allowing her refuge from this thing that was destroying her.

Then something happened—something she couldn’t have foreseen. Something which made the ground beneath her feet quiver in awe; something which made her heart pound with shades of hope rather than despair. Spike tore his mouth from hers, a sob choking his throat as his demon face melted away. And when their eyes clashed again, there was nothing of the hatred that had haunted her in the wake of their last disastrous encounter. Nothing of the biting resentment or the desire to have the desire to end her life. There was nothing but sorrow bathed in regret. He looked, for all the world, as though she had just tossed him a final lifeline, and he had only now opened his eyes to see what rejecting it would ultimately cost him.

“Buffy,” he gasped, the ocean in his human eyes finally spilling forward, crystallizing into tears. “My God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” style

For dinner last night I had sabretts hotdogs with kraft american cheese and a little ketchup rolled up in a spinach flatout wrap..
Gourmet...but of course..
I use the spinach has six net carbs per serving and lots of fiber..
Yes I know, you're asking did you become such a gourmet cook.
Time my friends, and god given talent..thats all it takes
That and setting a steak on fire in the broiler once..yes..thats all it takes

Dieting...the pain of the

Ok..dieting is nothing. I have eaten low carb style for so long Its no issue.
HOWEVER..the wagon is a painful place to sit for a long journey..
I..yes I Melodybleu have made that long lonely climb up into the wagon.
As soon as you tell me I can't have any..well by damn thats all I want..and in enormous quantities too!
Since I am serious about kick starting my weight loss off..and I am no longer a spry 40 yrs old, I simply cannot waste the carbs/calories on my beloved beer or red wine.
So..I was forced at gunpoint to haul my fat ass up onto the wagon..
Its been five days...five long lonely days away from my buddies...bouncing along slowly on that hard plank seat..only my fat butt as cushioning...sigh...
I will admit, I became friends with said companions out of sad necessity from a need to dull the pain of the last years of living with DH..but that habit has now inhibited my ability to shed the same weight that I gained over that almost 2 year period. It all started with Mom's illness and surgery..Feb 2005..
So...( picture dramatic pose..hand on forehead..palm facing out ) I am on that damned wagon..
Reality bites let me tell you!
Alas poor Michelob Ultra Amber...I knew ye well..
Fear not sweet Amber, I shall be with you again..some day..
Perhaps not for several weeks..or months..
But we shall be together again..

Unexpected bonus

We got an email from the big cheese saying we are all getting a bonus..
Now after my verbal warning, I may no long be exceeds expectations, which would get me 80% of one weeks pay..
But whatever it is..its an expected bit of money and I thank god for it.
Add three paydays in May to that, and one particular prayer of mine has come true.
I just wanted to get ahead..just a little. So I can breathe easier.
Plus you never know when you may need to throw a life preserver to another.
Money, IMHO IS MEANINGLESS..I know we need it to pay bills etc..but I like to think that other things in life mean more.
friendship, love, long as my needs are met, I will be glad to share with those I love.
LOL..ask Rhapsody what I did with the second paycheck I ever made ( trixie belden ring a bell P ?? )
Marc says I spend money like a drunken sailor..guess I do at that..

Bone tired today

After working the last three days..I am in a fog actually.
working 36 hrs in three days is matter how you shake it.
I am sitting here sipping on my first cup of coffee for the day..and forcing myself to stay here and not go back to
I have to work the next two I need to get a good nights sleep tonite.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Blue mood lingers....

I know I can do it..I know I can survive...just seems overwhelming sometimes. I guess this is one of those sometimes..And then the thought,,just surviving? How is that living?
I have to say, that almost getting suspended on tuesday was probably the thing that triggered this off. It was totally unexpected on my part, and I was so taken aback..I was in shock for a bit that it was actually happening.
If it wasn't for the fact that my new boss has decided that as our new boss, she will allow everyone a fresh slate, thanks to B the ass ratting on me..I was lucky to not be suspended without pay. And with a verbal warning at this point, my probation is now extended another six months. Its like it started all over again. If I mess up at all...its another write up. I've never, in my entire career been written up. And for something so ridiculous..
I was barely able to keep it together at work that day....and have stuffed it down inside until this moment.
All because I had noone to turn to when Jack needed to go, I had to call in sick, and it was only one of two calls in five months. But since I was late prior to that several times..and this particular hospital takes it seriously whereas the last one didn't....I was written up in November leading to six months probation. I subsequentally have not been late once, but did call in.
I think of the endless days where I went into work, sick, fever..coughing. That doesn't matter does it?
I don't feel like a professional right now, I feel like a robot...a factory worker, whose product is human life saving vs merchandise production and packaging.
The thought of getting up..going to work..coming home...getting up...going to work..
and being alone so much is kind of overwhelming right this moment.
So despite my shoulder paining me, I am going to the gym after the parent teacher meeting. I need to get out and get moving..not hide here and fester in my blues..
Wish me luck, for those of you who may be my blog faithful.
I wish I was truly a Mariposa, who could undergo a transformation from this current drift to a thing of beauty and light..
I sadly tend to be a pessimist, see the down side vs the up. I've always been that way
I sure do wish I was a Mariposa tho..truly..a creature of the earth, god, the goddess, who was without care or worry..No worry about bills.. being a good mom, just providing joy and beauty to the world.

Approx five mins after I posted this, got a call from my guy..who made me feel VERY much like I brought some beauty, joy and sunburned ass to HIS lol
I feel so much better..MUAH.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Comfort food

Is different things to different people
I had one form of comfort food today that makes me think of being a little girl again.
Chinese food. It was always a treat to get take out from China Valley in Hillcrest.
We were rather poor when I was a kid, so eating out was never at a restaurant. I grew up thinking that only rich people ate out. We would get take out chinese and pizza.
Daddy would stop at the Nanuet Hotel & Restaurant on the way home from work, and we'd all share a pizza. When I did a search I was taken back in time to see the old sign, and the photo of the restaurant available on the web.
It was a real treat as a kid.

Adora Angels Trumpet

This is just outside my screen room

My orchid

In full bloom

On the scarlet milkweed this morning

An enormous the Monarch Butterfly.
I am going to keep an eye on it to see if it pupates where I can watch.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Breathtakingingly amazing transformation

Overnite...At first I simply thought the stiff wind today blew the 'pillar away..but no..
It became a plain looking cocoon overnite
Here is the cocoon that formed overnight..and then a shot of what I am now thinking has become a nursery of sorts.
A scrolled metal rack in the pot with my native passionflower vine.
I bought the seed at Butterflyworld..and its providing such pleasure for me right now.
So I have Fritillaries and a Sulphur..WOW..
And look carefully, another Fritillary 'pillar climbing up the rail..
Wow...this is the first time I've been aware to photograph such changes

Friday, April 20, 2007

Nature..a beginning
I saw this caterpillar climbing up on the rail of the passionplant...where the other cocoons are..
I took pics..and as of just now it is suspended from a strand of silk..
I want to follow its progression and photograph it for you. Added a link for folks to check out the life cycle of the Fritillary
This is the caterpillar of the Gulf Fritillary

Massive brush fire

You could walk outside, and it was almost like it was snowing..the ash falling
This morning my foyer was filled with trapped ash, and when I got into my car..ash flew off the top.
Alligator Alley was closed several times due to a fire that was started by a swamp buggy that caught on fire due to an electrical short.
The sunset last night was amazing...plumes of dark smoke with a full bloody sun setting.
This is the fire, and the ash in my foyer

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Watching and waiting

For this chrysallis to open. This is the chrysallis of the Cloudless Sulphur Butterfly.
They feed on my Popcorn Bush, which is a Cassia.
The pic of the caterpillar was taken yesterday, as was the chrysallis foto

Monday, April 16, 2007

Whats a nor'easter you ask????

Imagine my surprise, when a coworker made a very funny but SHARP AND TRUE statement about my marriage.
I read this morning that the nor'easter that pounded new england, is the worse one since the Dec 1992 storm.
I was explaining to my coworkers who were mostly all natives of Florida, what a nor'easter is. I then told them the story, of how on the day I got married there was a bad nor'easter that chased us up the coast as we drove to Maine for a short honeymoon style trip.
One of the women laughed and said, you should have known then what a disaster the marriage would be.. right and smart is that statement?
When did I get married you ask?
DECEMBER 10TH 1992, the day of the last vicious nor'easter to hit the east coast.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

For him

Remember..always remember how I think and feel
Something I wrote for you a while back...and its just as pertinent if not more so today.

The measure of a man

there is more to the measure of a man than his bank account, or his house.
there is more to the measure of a man than his job, status, or past or debts.
the measure of a man , to me, is the quality of his mind, the depth of his feelings and the trueness of his heart.
the measure of a man is his ability to love , to care for others, and to protect what is his.
the measure of a man is his generosity of spirit, in writing poetry from his heart, or driving hundreds of miles to get prints he bought so his girl would be sure to receive them
the measure of a man is the value he adds to others lives. whether you realize it fully or not, my life is infinitely richer for having you in it. you have given me things that no man ever has before, and i doubt there is another man alive that could
i do not ever want you to say again, that you are nothing.
i feel that i am nothing as well, more times than not. and if you are meant to be alone, i am as well.
yet i hope that someone (you) sees the value in me...the full measure of my worth
i am convinced God brought us together, in that same place and time to meet.
And I am convinced that i see YOU..and i trust you, enough that i trust you with my heart. i am wide open and vulnerable with nothing held back.
there is NO OTHER WAY to love, imho.

Friday, April 13, 2007

And no damn gardening today too..because.....

I slept in..and by the time I got up it was too hot.
I'm not used to the heat as I have been in the past when I ran regardless..
I am going to order a knee brace from Road Runner Sports, and try to get back out there. I miss it like ...I can't describe. I still have dreams of running. But thats no mystery, I started when I was 18, and only missed four odd years since then due to injury and pregnancy.
High today was 88 I wasn't going to get started at this time of day.

Power went out last night

As I lay there in the dark, I began to imagine it was a hurricane, and that I was home alone with lil one, and I decided action is needed.
My BIL had bought a thing for his generator, so he can back feed thru the house, only the circuits he needs to run during a power outage.
I asked him via email to send me the link to buy one ( he got his online) and I'm going to get the handyman my friend recommended to me, and see if he can install it.
Otherwise, I'll ask DH.
It will make my life much easier if the power is out for any length of time
And during Wilma, I had internet access the whole time, because DH ran a line to the puter for me
I had satellite tv and I wasn't completely cut off from the world.
I've already started buying water, and I will make a COSTCO run to buy batteries and a few other stocks that I keep during the season.
Its supposed to be a very active season.
If I ever get any lotto jackpot winnings, I'm having accordians put on the house. Much easier
My only other need is cash.
Having emergency cash is vital, if the power is out, you can't go to the atm
Here is a picture of Wilma..I am in extreme south east florida, Broward County

Thursday, April 12, 2007

City of Angels....

With Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage..what a sad wonderful love story.
This song was from the film, and when I hear it, I think of soul mates, love lost, and love regained.
I've been here before, I know I have..and I don't want to come back again. Its too painful, especially when you live year after year wandering like the jews lost in the desert before finding the promised land..


Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate

My muse has left but I cannot stop this stream...

Went to target to pick up some things for lil ones trip, including some disposable cameras..

The sun is shining, and as I sit here staring out at the lake..I struggle with a very particular demon right now..and I'm asking God to send me a sign.
I interpret things, and yet don't know if I'm thinking correctly or straight. I've made a decision and I need to know if its the right one..
The Golden Dewdrop outside is suddenly humming with Butterflies..not quite sure from this distance what they are..likely Queens

God gave me a sign...a very particular..distinct and obvious sign..
I have my answer..
Thank you Lord..

A former DH these days is a useless thing..

Just as useless as when we were together.
I called him last night...only perhaps the second time since we separated to ask him to talk to Lil One about her behavior..I was just tired..
Left him voicemail asking him to call her ASAP.
ROFLMAO...she heard me leaving the message and yelled out to me "yeah right, like he'd take me anyplace even IF HE WAS HERE"
lol lol lol...I guess she thought I was calling to ask him to drive her to Victors to be tutored in math.
Anyway, he just called the cell..on the house..on the house...on the cell. I didn't bother to answer...why? I needed him to talk to her at 5pm yesterday.
But he calls today at 11:15 EST..
good thing it wasn't an emergency huh?
Just like when we were together, I am on my own. Good thing I don't expect any different huh?
BTW Brians my favorite..nice christian boy and my favorite singer..altho thats a tough call..they all have good voices

"As Long As You Love Me"

Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leavin' my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me

I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me

Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be

I don't care who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me (I don't know)
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me (yeah)

I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you're comin from
I don't care, as long as you love me, baby

I don't care who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
What you did
As long as you love me (as long as you love me)
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
Don't care what you did (yeah)
As long as you love me (as long as you love me)
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are (who you are)
Where you're from (where you're from)
As long as you love me
Who you are
As long as you love me
What you did (I don't care)
As long as you love me

No gardening today :-(

Rain moving in
Figures..when I need the outlet
I am sick again, runny nose and cold symptoms..
cough cough..
I think I will have to nordik track it today..
Sore from gym yesterday since its the first time I've been in a few weeks due to not feeling well.
But I am done taking it easy with reason to really..
It did indeed rain, is still raining..pouring as a matter of fact with thunderstorms rumbling thru.
Outside ...I did the nordic track for twenty mins..a far cry from the forty I used to do, but I have to relearn how to use the time on my hands focus on recovering the fitness level I used to have two years ago..
I'm almost cooled off enough to shower..and go to the store..
Listening to always..and its a Backstreet Boys kinda moment...
NO INSULTS!!!!! Those Boys can damn well sing..and I wouldn't throw em out of bed for eating crackers either!


Don't pretend you're sorry
I know you're not
You know you got the power
To make me weak inside
Girl you leave me breathless
But it's okay 'cause
You are my survival
Now hear me say
I can't imagine life
Without your love
Even forever don't seem
Like long enough

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

Maybe I'm a drifter
Maybe not
'Cause I have known the safety
Of floating freely
In your arms
I don't need another lifeline
It's not for me
'Cause only you can save me
Oh can't you see
I can't imagine life
Without your love
And even forever don't seem
Like long enough

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

Go on and pull me under
Cover me with dreams, yeah
Love me mouth to mouth now
You know I can't resist
'Cause you're the air
That I breathe

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
And baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning your love

Baby I can't help it
Keep me drowning
In your love
I keep drowning
In your love
Baby I can't help it
Can't help it no, no

'Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love

"More than that"

I can see that you’ve been crying
You can’t hide it with a lie
What’s the use in you denying
That what you have is wrong
I heard him promise you forever
But forever’s come and gone
Baby, he would say whatever
It takes to keep you blind
To the truth between the lines, oh…

I will love you more than that
I won’t say the words
Then take them back
Don’t give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

Baby, you deserve much better
What’s the use in holding on
Don’t you see it’s now or never
‘Cause I just can’t be friends
Baby knowing in the end, that..

I will love you more than that
I won’t say the words
Then take them back
Don’t give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

There’s not a day that passes by
I don’t wonder why we haven’t tried
It’s not too late to change your mind
So take my hand, don’t say goodbye

I will love you more than that
I won’t say the words
Then take them back
I will love you more than that
I won’t say the words
Then take them back
Don’t give loneliness a chance
Baby listen to me when I say
I will love you more than that

My muse has left again

I had this idea floating around in my head...shards of glass...crystal...not sure..and a precipice..
I tried to put it down last night, and this go..
I guess my muse went to key west again, that lush..
Slept a rather solid 10 hrs and all I want to do is crawl back under the chenille..and sleep, perchance to dream.
I had planned to get outside and tackle the yard, specifically weeding and trimming the back. Since the rainy season is upon me, things will grow like crazy, so I can severely cut things back ..
Sigh..however limbo livin' ain't easy...
I think a few cups of coffee will help. I have to drive lil one to school since she overslept again.
Thats good, forces me into motion..
Pity party? ROFLMAO..hell yes...and I have hats and balloons and noise makers..
I want to get the coleus into the ground. If I set up properly, including putting some bottled water on the patio in the fridge and fan ready to cool me off...
I think my reluctance is childish, but here it goes.
I wish I wasn't going out there to garden alone. I wish...
ahhhhh wishes.. to come..

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Life , growth and my garden as my heart..

I stopped at Home Depot on my way home today, and they had coleus which I've been waiting for.
The ring around the oak in the back has some form of wild flowers growing in it, and I'm going to attempt to identify it. Usually wild flowers will attract butterflies, so I'll leave it and watch.
I am going to plant the coleus with the wild flowers..and watch life go on.
Gardening here is a lesson in survival, beauty and loss. I need to keep in my mind that no matter what loss I feel, that the mins and hrs march on regardless.
I have no control over anything any more it seems. The story of my life.
I will take a couple of pictures when I am done. Its too hot outside to start gardening at this time of the day. 86 degrees...summer is coming soon..
My pineapples are growing amazingly..and it seems like just yesterday they were flowers and not the fruits they are now.
Here are Chiquita and her pup, and Belle who has the largest fruit so far
And see how many pups Belle has...

And life just keeps making with the laughs

Fall out boy was rescheduled for June. I had to ask for a refund.
I cannot imagine going to an outdoor amphitheatre in June at 6pm. My seats were reserved, but not under the awning. The danger of thunderstorms at that time of day at that time of year are real, and I imagine it will be hot as hell.
Lil one will have a fit, but I asked for a refund..
I could use the money I get back to help pay off a little of the debt I have. But man I was really looking forward to seeing Fall out boy.

Listened to this just now, and cried..

The Dimming of the day
This old house is falling down around my ears
I'm drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day
You pulled me like the moon
Pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side
What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day
Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant
I see you on the street and in company
Why don't you come and ease your mind with me
I'm living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day...

Its been a rough few days

I'll survive

Sunday, April 08, 2007


La Belle Dam Sans Merci

O what can ail thee knight at arms
alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has witherd from the lake
and no birds sing

O what can ail thee knight at arms
so haggard and woebegone?
The squirrel's granary is full
and the harvests done

I see a lily on thy brow
with anguish moist and fever dew
and on thy cheeks a fading rose
fast withereth too

I met a lady in the meads
Full beautiful - a faery's child
her hair was long, her foot was light
and her eyes were wild

I made a garland for her head
and bracelets too and fragrant zone
she looked at me as she did love
and made sweet moan

I sat her on my pacing steed
and nothing else saw all day long
For sidelong would she bend and sing
A faery's song

She found me roots of relish sweet
And honey wild, and manna dew
And sure in language strange she said
'I love thee true'

She took me to her elfin grot
and there she wept and sighed full sore
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
with kisses four

And there she lulled me asleep
and there I dreamed Ah woe betide!
The latest dream I ever dreamt
on the cold hillside

I saw pale kings and princes too
Pale warriors, death pale were they all
They cried 'La Belle Dam Sans Merci
Hath thee in thrall!'

I saw their starv'd lips in the gloam
with horrid warning gaped wide
And I awoke and found me here
on the cold hillside

And this is why I soujourn here
alone and palely loitering
Though the sedge has withered from the lake
and no birds sing.

John Keats

Learning lifes lessons

I know this is long, but its lovely and says what I feel right now..


Rabbi Ben Ezra
By Robert Browning (1812–1889)

GROW old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith ‘A whole I planned, 5
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!’

Not that, amassing flowers,
Youth sighed ‘Which rose make ours,
Which lily leave and then as best recall?’
Not that, admiring stars, 10
It yearned ‘Nor Jove, nor Mars;
Mine be some figured flame which blends, transcends them all!’

Not for such hopes and fears
Annulling youth’s brief years,
Do I remonstrate: folly wide the mark! 15
Rather I prize the doubt
Low kinds exist without,
Finished and finite clods, untroubled by a spark.

Poor vaunt of life indeed,
Were man but formed to feed 20
On joy, to solely seek and find and feast:
Such feasting ended, then
As sure an end to men;
Irks care the crop-full bird? Frets doubt the mawcrammed beast?

Rejoice we are allied 25
To That which doth provide
And not partake, effect and not receive!
A spark disturbs our clod;
Nearer we hold of God
Who gives, than of His tribes that take, I must believe. 30

Then, welcome each rebuff
That turns earth’s smoothness rough,
Each sting that bids nor sit nor stand but go!
Be our joys three-parts pain!
Strive, and hold cheap the strain; 35
Learn, nor account the pang; dare, never grudge the throe!

For thence,—a paradox
Which comforts while it mocks,—
Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail:
What I aspired to be, 40
And was not, comforts me:
A brute I might have been, but would not sink i’ the scale

What is he but a brute
Whose flesh hath soul to suit,
Whose spirit works lest arms and legs want play? 45
To man, propose this test—
Thy body at its best,
How far can that project thy soul on its lone way?

Yet gifts should prove their use:
I own the Past profuse 50
Of power each side, perfection every turn:
Eyes, ears took in their dole,
Brain treasured up the whole;
Should not the heart beat once ‘How good to live and learn?’

Not once beat ‘Praise be Thine! 55
I see the whole design,
I, who saw Power, see now Love perfect too:
Perfect I call Thy plan:
Thanks that I was a man!
Maker, remake, complete,—I trust what Thou shalt do!’ 60

For pleasant is this flesh;
Our soul, in its rose-mesh
Pulled ever to the earth, still yearns for rest:
Would we some prize might hold
To match those manifold 65
Possessions of the brute,—gain most, as we did best!

Let us not always say
‘Spite of this flesh to-day
I strove, made head, gained ground upon the whole!’
As the bird wings and sings, 70
Let us cry ‘All good things
Are ours, nor soul helps flesh more, now, than flesh helps soul!’

Therefore I summon age
To grant youth’s heritage,
Life’s struggle having so far reached its term: 75
Thence shall I pass, approved
A man, for ay removed
From the developed brute; a God though in the germ.

And I shall thereupon
Take rest, ere I be gone 80
Once more on my adventure brave and new:
Fearless and unperplexed,
When I wage battle next,
What weapons to select, what armour to indue.

Youth ended, I shall try 85
My gain or loss thereby;
Leave the fire ashes, what survives is gold:
And I shall weigh the same,
Give life its praise or blame:
Young, all lay in dispute; I shall know, being old 90

For note, when evening shuts,
A certain moment cuts
The deed off, calls the glory from the grey:
A whisper from the west
Shoots—‘Add this to the rest, 95
Take it and try its worth: here dies another day.’

So, still within this life,
Though lifted o’er its strife,
Let me discern, compare, pronounce at last,
‘This rage was right i’ the main, 100
That acquiescence vain:
The Future I may face now I have proved the Past.’

For more is not reserved
To man, with soul just nerved
To act to-morrow what he learns to-day: 105
Here, work enough to watch
The Master work, and catch
Hints of the proper craft, tricks of the tool’s true play.

As it was better, youth
Should strive, through acts uncouth, 110
Toward making, than repose on aught found made;
So, better, age, exempt
From strife, should know, than tempt
Further. Thou waitedst age; wait death nor be afraid!

Enough now, if the Right 115
And Good and Infinite
Be named here, as thou callest thy hand thine own,
With knowledge absolute,
Subject to no dispute
From fools that crowded youth, nor let thee feel alone. 120

Be there, for once and all,
Severed great minds from small,
Announced to each his station in the Past!
Was I, the world arraigned,
Were they, my soul disdained, 125
Right? Let age speak the truth and give us peace at last!

Now, who shall arbitrate?
Ten men love what I hate,
Shun what I follow, slight what I receive;
Ten, who in ears and eyes 130
Match me: we all surmise,
They, this thing, and I, that: whom shall my soul believe?

Not on the vulgar mass
Called ‘work’, must sentence pass,
Things done, that took the eye and had the price; 135
O’er which, from level stand,
The low world laid its hand,
Found straightway to its mind, could value in a trice:

But all, the world’s coarse thumb
And finger failed to plumb, 140
So passed in making up the main account;
All instincts immature,
All purposes unsure,
That weighed not as his work, yet swelled the man’s amount:

Thoughts hardly to be packed 145
Into a narrow act,
Fancies that broke through language and escaped;
All I could never be,
All, men ignored in me,
This, I was worth to God, whose wheel the pitcher shaped. 150

Ay, note that Potter’s wheel,
That metaphor! and feel
Why time spins fast, why passive lies our clay,—
Thou, to whom fools propound,
When the wine makes its round, 155
‘Since life fleets, all is change; the Past gone, seize to-day!’

Fool! All that is, at all,
Lasts ever, past recall;
Earth changes, but thy soul and God stand sure:
What entered into thee, 160
That was, is, and shall be:
Time’s wheel runs back or stops: Potter and clay endure.

He fixed thee mid this dance
Of plastic circumstance,
This Present, thou, forsooth, wouldst fain arrest: 165
Machinery just meant
To give thy soul its bent,
Try thee and turn thee forth, sufficiently impressed.

What though the earlier grooves
Which ran the laughing loves 170
Around thy base, no longer pause and press?
What though, about thy rim,
Skull-things in order grim
Grow out, in graver mood, obey the sterner stress?

Look not thou down but up! 175
To uses of a cup,
The festal board, lamp’s flash and trumpet’s peal,
The new wine’s foaming flow,
The Master’s lips aglow!
Thou, heaven’s consummate cup, what need’st thou with earth’s wheel? 180

But I need, now as then,
Thee, God, who mouldest men;
And since, not even while the whirl was worst,
Did I,—to the wheel of life
With shapes and colours rife, 185
Bound dizzily,—mistake my end, to slake Thy thirst:

So, take and use Thy work!
Amend what flaws may lurk,
What strain o’ the stuff, what warpings past the aim!
My times be in Thy hand! 190
Perfect the cup as planned!
Let age approve of youth, and death complete the same!

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

How I feel today

"Learning To Fly"

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I
Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to guide my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone
A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I
Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night
There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I