Sunday, February 25, 2007

Feeling defeated this morning

All that energy..all that positive vibe
The new rugs are ruined.
Feeling very very VERY if anything I struggle to make good and right is destined to be ruined.
No pic for this post..nothing that would suit comes to mind

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Did some major changes today

My PIA Jack had pee'd numerous times on the old carpet in the family room..most recently this morning...
Sigh...he is old and I am trying to live with it..
Anyway, I dragged the old rug out and put down these new throw rugs I bought several months ago. I have one in the entryway by the front door..
Here is Jack, the perp, at the scene of the crime. Family room
As for the recliners...from left to right they were Baby Bears..Papa Bears and finally Mama Bears.
Now that we got Papa Bear out of the den, Baby Bear sits in the middle with me, Mama at the end. Perfect view ergo of the big screen TV.
However, I'm waiting for a certain Grizzly who says he has the perfect couch...then we'll rearrange again.


I adore Sully Erna's voice, and had no idea till just now that he was Wiccan.
This song, Hollow, haunting lyrics as are the vocals. Compared to some of the driving rhythms of their other work, this one is worth listening to for a different taste.
Godsmacks bio
The Boston-based alternative metal group Godsmack originally comprised vocalist Sully Erna (a devout Wiccan), guitarist Tony Rambola, bassist Robbie Merrill, and drummer Tommy Stewart. After debuting in 1997 with All Wound Up, Godsmack signed with Universal, which in 1998 reissued the LP as a self-titled effort with a handful of new tracks; at that point Stewart -- who'd left the group in mid-1997 and was replaced by drummer Joe d'Arco -- returned to the lineup on a permanent basis. The band's audience built slowly but surely, and Godsmack was certified gold in 1999, the same year the group was invited to join the Ozzfest tour; by the next year, it had sold over three million copies, thanks to hit singles like "Whatever" and "Keep Away." In 2000, the group again played Ozzfest, and released their second proper album, Awake, that fall. In January 2001, Awake earned the band a Grammy nomination for Best Rock Instrumental Performance for the song "Vampires," and by March, it had sold two million copies. Hot on the heels of their continuing success, their single "I Stand Alone" propelled the hype of the movie The Scorpion King in March 2002. As the single maintained Godsmack's strong presence at modern rock radio into the summer, founding member Tommy Stewart left the band in June. The David Bottrill-produced (Peter Gabriel, Tool, Mudvayne) album Faceless appeared in April 2003. It also marked the debut of ex-Amen drummer Shannon Larkin. The all-acoustic Other Side arrived in spring 2004. In 2006, Erna stepped behind the board to helm IV, a collection of new material that reached number one while both retaining the group's trademark heft and expanding their sonic palette. ~ Jason Ankeny, All Music Guide


One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter?
And I can't tell if I should go or stay
Same old picture feel so hollow
How can anybody know what's best for me?
Another page I turn in shame
And my decisions brought me to my knees
I needed someone to blame

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change

Once upon a time in broken dreams
Reflection's that I can't face
So hold your breath and make a wish for me
Take me to a better place
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it all one more time
I wouldn't change a thing

I feel so hollow (feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow (feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow (feel so hollow)
I feel so hollow (feel so hollow)
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change

Amazing story

I am signed up thru AOL to get AMBER alerts in Florida. I got one yesterday, and before I knew it..saw this story online. He is the same age as my daughter, and her friends. Once in a while, the kid gets away.
Thank God for this happy ending

PARRISH, Fla. (Feb. 23) - A 13-year-old boy abducted at gunpoint from a school bus stop Friday morning made a "miraculous" escape hours later, authorities said. The gunman was still being sought.
Clay Moore wasn't hurt except for scratches and scrapes, Sheriff Charlie Wells said. Clay was still being interviewed, and the sheriff declined to comment on what happened while the boy was alone with his captor.

"He was bound, he was able to get free," Wells said. "It was miraculous, to tell you the truth."

Clay was standing with about a dozen children and was closest to the gunman's red truck when he was taken at gunpoint about 9 a.m., Wells said.

The boy was bound and taken to a wooded area. After being left alone, Clay managed to free himself and walk until he found a farm worker with a cell phone. He called his mother about 1:30 p.m.

"It's a happy ending," Wells said. "(The parents) are relieved, and we are too."

Clay's uncle, Gregory Moore, said the family was "overjoyed."
"We all said all along that if there was a way out, Clay would find it," Moore said. "He's an ingenious, smart little guy. It didn't surprise me."

The focus now is on capturing the "coward" who committed the crime, Wells said. He said authorities were investigating reports that a similar truck had followed other children in the area recently.

Parrish, about 30 miles southeast of St. Petersburg, has seen explosive growth in recent years but still has many rural areas. The bus stop where the abduction occurred was at the entrance to a subdivision of relatively new homes off a rural road in eastern Manatee County.

Margi Nanney, spokeswoman for the county school district, said this is the first time anyone can remember that a student has been taken off the street here.

"I can tell you as a parent you put them in the hands of the Lord when they walk out the door," she said. "And you know most people are good people. You like to think that we don't have a lot of people out there like the one who took this child."

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
2007-02-23 20:33:41

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sorting thru a life

You don't realize how basic some things are, until you are sorting thru your life.
The boxes with the important papers..many you subsequently realize are not so very important after all.
I needed to sort thru the paperwork to give DH his stuff, passport, military discharge papers, birth certificate etc.
It ended up being a pile about 3/4 of an inch high.
Not very much , I thought, in the grand scheme of things
Representative of a lifetime in the nutshell. Social security number, passport, birth certificate..
The rest is just flotsam and jetsam isn't it?
The picture is of the custom bookshelves DH built for me.
Such effort would be unheard of these days, I guess that just shows you how life changes.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

From DH to me

Isn't this beautiful.
He calls me Mariposa...spanish for Butterfly

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Lower lip stuck out and all..
I don't feel good...WHINE WHINE...
My tongue is swollen, and I gots a sore throat, and a lil temp...sniff
I wish my man was here to snuggle with and make me feel all better..

Sunday, February 18, 2007


System of a down
One of my FAVORITE alt bands..
The harmonys are amazing...and the lyrics are ...well...

check them out here


System of a Down (also referred to as SOAD or System) is a four-piece Grammy-award winning Alternative metal band, formed in 1995 in Los Angeles, California. All four members are Armenian-Americans, grandsons of Armenian Genocide survivors, and are widely known for their outspoken views found in many of their songs.

System of a Down has achieved commercial success over five albums, with singles such as "Chop Suey!" and "B.Y.O.B.". System of a Down is a part of the Axis of Justice, a non-profit organization formed by band member Serj Tankian (along with Tom Morello) that is dedicated to bringing together musicians, music fans and grassroots political organizations to fight for social justice.

You really need to listen to B.Y.O.B to appreciate the song and lyrics..


Barbarisms by Barbaras
With pointed heels.
Victorious, victories kneel.
For brand new spankin' deals.
Marching forward hypocritic
And hypnotic computers.
You depend on our protection,

Yet you feed us lies from the table cloth.
La la la la la la la la la,
Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.

Kneeling roses disappearing,
Into Moses’ dry mouth,
Breaking into Fort Knox,
Stealing our intentions,
Hangars sitting dripped in oil,

Handed to obsoletion,
Still you feed us lies from the table cloth.
La la la la la la la la la,
Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.

Blast off, it's party time,
And we don't live in a fascist nation,
Blast off, it's party time,
And where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Where the fuck are you?

Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor? [X4]

Kneeling roses disappearing,
Into Moses’ dry mouth,
Breaking into Fort Knox,
Stealing our intentions,
Hangars sitting dripped in oil,

Handed to obsoletion,
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.
La la la la la la la la la,
Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine.
Everybody’s going to the party have a real good time.
Dancing in the desert blowing up the...

Where the fuck are you!
Where the fuck are you!

Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor?
Why don’t presidents fight the war?
Why do they always send the poor? [X3]
Why, do, they always send the poor [X3]
They only send the poor [x2]

Day nine

St. Jude, you traveled far and wide to bring the Good News of Jesus Christ to all nations. You gathered people into communities of faith so that they might live the Gospel of the Lord, sharing their lives and resources, joining their hearts and minds in the Lord. You recognized the dignity of all, the diversity of gifts, and the equality among all God's children. Pray to the Lord to send his Spirit to our church leaders and to each of us so that we might create unity and equality amid the division and discrimination in our church communities. Help us overcome our own fear, our timidity or self-centeredness in order to place our gifts at the service of our sisters and brothers in our local church communities. Amen.

At the end of this petition, I will finish with my request. I feel like I am treating St Jude like some celestial holy telephone operator
one ringy dingy...two ringy dingy
is this the party to whom i am speaking??
For public consumption, I will say that I am asking for mercy, comfort and emotional healing for myself and the ones I love ....especially two people.
For public consumption I will say that I am asking for strength to get thru this rough patch in my life, and that I will come out the other side a better healthier person.
Oh..and money. I'm asking for lots and lots of money.
It may not bring happiness, but I would like to be comfortable in my quasi misery.
Today I was, in a small way part of saving a life. Saving a life already close to the end...a life cut short due to HIV . I helped to save her life...should I have just kept my mouth shut? Did I do her a favor? Did I do ANYONE a favor?
My job is so hard sometimes..when I use the ...damn I hate to say gift..but GIFT god gave me.
I'm damn good at what I do...DAMN GOOD..and a therapist once told me that the person I am at work...that is the real me. Smart, funny, flirty..confident
Not the mockery I had become at home, but the real me
Well the real me is damn glad to be home and not have to look at those people any more. Tears little tiny pieces out of me when I care, and I need to go home and heal afterward.
So yeah...I need mercy. Forgiveness for my sins, real and imagined.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Day eight

St. Jude, you are Jesus' cousin and friend. Accompanying him on his journeys and watching him cure the sick, you felt his infinite compassion and experienced his saving grace. You believed that he has the words of eternal life and power over sickness and death. Intercede for us now so that we might feel the comfort of his friendship, the warmth of his presence, and the healing power of his spirit. Because nothing is impossible for our God, pray that the Spirit will make us whole in body and soul. Amen.

BTW..if anyone wants the link to the site where I am getting these it is
And as for miracles..
I made this lasagna without burning down the house, and it was passably tasty according to my lil one..and me..

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Pineapples

Here they are, crowns beginning to form on the fruits. Chiquita and her pup and Belle

Day seven

St. Jude, you left home and traveled afar in order to bring the Good News of God's love to all the nations. You preached enthusiastically about what you learned personally from the words and works of our Lord, Jesus. You courageously faced criticism, rejection and eventually martyrdom. Ask the Lord to send us his Spirit so that we might be faithful messengers of God's love, forgiveness and justice to our selfish, violent and unjust world. Help us to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world by the loving and compassionate way we speak to and treat one another. Amen.

Its early yet, but I feel lighter of heart today.
Its chilly outside, and my pineapples are growing their crowns.
Right this very moment, I am not a writhing mess of confused thought.
Thats a good thing

Thursday, February 15, 2007


This is Michael Stipe..the most luscious voice..and evocative singer..


Everybody Hurts

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (repeat & fade)
(Everybody hurts. You are not alone.)

And sometimes take comfort in your music
Take comfort in the poetry someone writes for you
And take comfort in matter how round about it is expressed

Sarah McLachlans song..


Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Under the oddest circumstances, I found myself today feeling more loved and cared for than I have in a very ,,very,,long time. If ever. Its entirely possible that I've never felt so cared for.
Thank you Marcus

Day six

St. Jude, apostle of mercy and reconciliation, help us to forgive one another. You understand the depth of God's compassion and our hesitancy to forgive. You learned how to be merciful from Jesus, the Son of God. He taught you how to forgive those who persecuted you and put you to death. Intercede for us now before our compassionate God that we might forgive those who have offended us. Help us to remove every trace of hatred, bitterness or revenge from our hearts. May we have the strength to forgive as God forgives. Amen

Those who believe will understand when I say that as I read this prayer this morning, it struck home..directly
I had an enormous fight with my lil one last night.
Once again I had to ask her repeatedly to do something for me, fill the dogs water dish. This was just after I wanted her to ask her new BF if he had cingular, otherwise he'd have to call her on the house phone to save mins. Simple, right? It led to one of the nastiest awfulest vile arguments. I lost it, totally lost it. And she made ONE lil comment ..I said to her, can't you understand how hard this is for me, being the only parent in this house...and she said sotto voce,,but thats how you wanted it..
I literally screamed at her..yes I did but thats beside the point...
I have tried not to go there with her, not to denounce her dad...but I was crying at this point and just screamed at her..tell me the truth...DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM BACK HERE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE????
God bless her, she was honest. She came to a full stop and then said to me...thats not a fair question right now, because you are screaming at me.
I had my answer..
So I said to her, listen..I got tired of him abusing me
and I got tired of him abusing you
So enough with that already..
It didn't end the argument, things escalated along another path.
My throat hurts this morning, I cried myself to sleep
I very briefly thought of not praying, that I was being told directly that I am not worth the effort of listening to
But I'm not going to stop
Sorry for venting to my blog faithful....but I had nowhere else to lay this pain.
I feel very inadequate, unable to be what everyone wants me to be. Unable to be me, because the real unacceptable
Thats how I feel right this second..this minute..for a long long time
Bless you all (Rhapsody)
I'll be ok. I'm an example of that old cliche...a survivor. I may not cope well at all times, but I'm used to being alone emotionally, and I am just going thru my adjustment pains here. Learning a different way is hard.
I'll be fine, metaphorically speaking.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Day five

St. Jude, although you were chosen by Jesus as one of the twelve apostles, you learned not to be proud, not to pursue honors or the highest places. Instead, you humbled yourself in the service of your sisters and brothers. We pray that you help us to serve with a more generous heart, to sacrifice our own interest for the good of others. Intercede for us with our crucified Christ, who humbled himself on the cross, who sacrificed his life that we might live. May we imitate him by a life of dedicated, selfless service to others. Amen

Today is St Valentines day..
What a waste of money.
We should treasure our loves all year round.
Hope everyone had a nice day tho...
Today was my lil ones first date. My hero Brandon went as a chaperone...LOL

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Day four

St. Jude, you courageously preached the Word of God in the most difficult situations. Like Jesus, you defended the poor and oppressed and challenged the rich and powerful. When threatened with death, you did not resort to violence or despair but recalled Jesus' words of peace and forgiveness. Hear our prayer, today, for peace and justice in our world. Ask the Lord to give us the courage to stand up for what is right. Pray that we be effective peacemakers like you, especially in the world where there is war and oppression, in our communities where there is violence and strife, and in our families where there is conflict and tension. Amen.

Today my lil one is begging me to take her to the Dolphin Mall in Miami to meet her new beau,
anyway, I got the directions, and as much as I detest Miami, its not a bad drive.
I am dickering the deal out with her, driving as hard a bargain as I can
Can I possibly not support true love? Even if the true lovers are only 13 and 14?
A small slice of happy..the puppy love of my daugher. Her first

Monday, February 12, 2007

Day three

St. Jude, you remained faithful to our Lord, even unto death. You gave your life so that others might live. You endured physical pain and emotional abandonment. But you gladly joined your sufferings to those of our Savior, Jesus, and thus shared in the redemption of the world. We ask you now to intercede with our brother, Jesus Christ, so that we too might be faithful in the face of our suffering. Help us to trust in God and put our life in his hands. Amen.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Day two

St. Jude, through prayer you praised God for the wonderful works of Jesus. You asked God for the strength to meet the challenges of your apostolate. You put your trust in God's mercy, believing firmly that God loved you and understood your joys and sorrows, your hopes and fears, and your triumphs and failures. You understood that nothing is impossible for God. We ask you to pray for us now before the Most High so that we too might be filled with God's saving power, understand God's will for us and faithfully place ourselves in God's loving hands. Amen.

I want to get away from it all for a while. I wish I could
Even if I couldn't afford to right now
So instead I will concentrate on positive thoughts, sending loving vibes and praying for what would just about constitute a miracle.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Novena to St Jude

St. Jude, you witnessed the healing power of our Lord Jesus. You saw his compassion for the sick and dying. You yourself touched the sick, shared the sorrows of the mournful, and encouraged the despairing. You received this authority and healing power to work wonders, to cure the incurable, to make people whole. We ask you to intercede with our brother, Jesus, to send his saving grace to heal the sick and suffering, to uplift their despondent spirits, and to instill hope in their hearts. Amen.

I begin a novena today.
As I said, I'm not Catholic for heavens sake...but dang I do love me a novena
There is nothing so comforting as repetition and prayer combined

Thoughts on seemingly hopeless situations

I am not catholic, nor am I quite sure what I believe from day to day.
But I find the story of St. Jude fascinating, and when I am feeling that an insurmountable problem has arisen, I will talk to St. Jude.

Biography of Saint Jude


The Gospel tells us that St. Jude was a brother of St. James the Less, also one of the twelve Apostles. These two together with two other brothers (one St. Simeon of Jerusalem) are described by St. Matthew (13:55) as the "brethren" of Jesus. In the Hebrew language, the word "brethren" indicates a near relationship.

Tradition has it that St. Jude's father, Cleophas, was murdered because of his forthright and outspoken devotion to the risen Christ. Mary Cleophas, the mother of St. Jude and St. James the Less, was a cousin of the Virgin Mary. After her death, miracles were attributed to her intercession.

St. Jude is shown, traditionally, as carrying the image of Jesus in his hand. This represents, according to tradition -- our principal sources of knowledge of the saint -- the imprint of the Divine Countenance that was entrusted to him by Our Lord.

The circumstances were these: King Abagaro of Edessa, who suffered from leprosy, sent word to Jesus asking Him to come and cure him. With his request, we are told, the King sent an artist to return with a picture of the Master. Impressed with his great faith, Our Lord pressed His image on a cloth and gave it to St. Jude to bring to the King of Edessa and cure him. The King was cured and together with most of his subjects was converted to Christianity.

After the death and resurrection of Jesus, St. Jude traveled throughout Mesopotamia for a period of ten years, preaching and converting many to Christianity. He probably returned to Jerusalem for the Council of the Apostles, and then he and St. Simon visited Libya and Persia where many more converts were made.

St. Jude died a martyr's death. Tradition tells us that he was clubbed, possibly into insensibility, and his head was then shattered with a broad ax. Sometime after his death, St. Jude's body was brought to Rome and placed in a crypt in St. Peter's Basilica.


This is the prayer I recite, and I light a candle to St. Jude
Today, and for many days I have wrestled with seemingly hopeless situations. I must admit that the answer to the prayers may not always be what I truly want, but may just be what is the right way of things.
So I am praying today, again, not directly for myself, but another. However, indirectly for me. If help arrives for him, it will for me as well.
There is nothing left to do but hope and pray.

Prayer to St. Jude Thaddeus
Most Holy Apostle, St. Jude Thaddeus, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor who delivered your beloved Master into the hands of his enemies has caused you to be forgotten by many. But the Church honors you, and I invoke you as the special advocate of those who are in trouble and almost without hope. Help me to realize that through our faith we triumph over difficulties by the power of Jesus who loved us and gave his life for us. Come to my assistance that I may receive the consolation and succor of heaven in all my needs, trials, and sufferings, particularly (here make your request) and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever.

St. Jude, apostle of the Word of God, pray for us.

St. Jude, follower of the Son of God, pray for us.

St. Jude, preacher of the love of God, pray for us.

St. Jude, intercessor before God, pray for us.

St. Jude, friend of all in need, pray for us.

St. Jude, pray for us, and for all who invoke your aid.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I think now is a good time to share this poem

That DH wrote for us. Not just
We are both going thru trying times, and being apart makes this exponentially more difficult.
But the struggle to me, is more than worth the reward at the end.

Although the Mountains and Sea can become as one
The end of the travelers journey is not yet done
His soul sails on , trusting to Karma, tis his fate
To sail and hope to reach the one, his mate
She waits and watches, and prays that tiny sail
Will hold together through wind, wave and travail
She stands with faith that cannot bend
She knows each journey has an end
The wind, the storm, the waves, conspire to make her fall
But all of heaven knows a lady's love can save us all