Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Addicted


Saving Abel

















I'm so addicted to
all the things you do
when you're going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make
with every breath you take
its not like anything
when you're loving me

oh girl lets take it slow
so as for you well you know where to go
i want to take my love and hate you till the end

its not like you to turn away
from all the bullshit i cant take
its not like me to walk away

i'm so addicted too all the things
you do when you're going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make
with every breathe you take
its not like anything
when you're loving me

yeahh

i know it was getting rough
all the times we spend
when we try to make
this love something better than
just making love again

its not like you to turn away
all the bullshit i cant take
just when i think i can walk away,

i'm so addicted to all the things
you do when you're going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make
with every breathe
its not like anything

i'm so addicted to the things you do
when you're going down on me
all the sounds you make with every breath you take
its not like anything when you're loving me
yeahh
when you're loving me

i can not make it through
all the things you do
theres just got to be more than you and me

i'm so addicted too all the things you do
when you're going down on me
in between the sheets
all the sounds you make with every breath you take
its not like anything
its not like anything

i'm so addicted too
all the things you do
when you're going down

all the sounds you make with every breath
you take its not like anything
i'm so addicted to you
addicted to you

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Take my anger away

Anger at the sister who left without caring that she left me in charge of an elderly ailing mom and a mentally handicapped sister
Take my anger away, about a childhood where I was never hugged...kissed..or told I was loved.
Take the anger away please Father...of so many things in the past and present, that there is no answer for, and no rhyme or reason.
Take it away please
And PLEASE...let me not have to come back again..
Let my time on this earth be my last...and let me be DONE..
Because this life has been to hard, too long and stressful.
Not enough love , not nearly enough love.
And more than enough pain, sorrow and loss.
I'm done DONE..and don't want to come back.
Take my anger away dear Lord...please.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

What is a Mom

She is elderly
She is frail
Her strength is flagging, yet her face seems serene and untroubled.
She says shes tired, had enough and wants to fall asleep and not wake up.
And unlike so many I see at work, I say to her...I know..
I won't let them hurt you...I promise.
What is a Mom?
She is more than the womb, more than the cells that she had to give you.
She is someone you hate one day, and love the next.
And she is someone who when she is gone, you will miss...and forget most of the bad.
What is a Mom then...
The most precious, tyrannical, overbearing, supportive, and complex person you will ever meet in your life.
And I'm blessed to be amongst those ranks..
And despite all the sorrow and struggles I've been thru, I know that in no small part, Mom was the one who showed me how to survive without a man, how to get by with what you have, and how to thank God for the blessings you've received. And how to bow your head and soldier on when God says no...not this time.
And...she has shown me......when its time to let go.
Thats a Mom.
Thanks Mom. I've loved you, hated you, laughed with you and traveled thousands of miles with you in your lil car Sylvia.
And I miss you already as you fade away..
Thanks Mom

About Beauty

By DH
For Me..

The beauty of the face and body is only ephemeral
What shines forth from the heart and soul is eternal
Thoughts and ideas of beauty, alter without reason or rhyme
The glory of the spirit mocks and forever transcends time
The Goddess who made us each, had no ideals in her plan,
No age, no beauty, nor ugly, merely woman and man
The Lilly is pale and fair, many praise its beauty
But there are others to whom we also owe duty
Pansies and roses can be dark in their parts
should we then, deny them our hearts?
so judge not any person by their physical whole
rejoice and enjoy them for what they show of their soul

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Lil one

All better....still on antibiotics but all better.
I feel today more of a sense of peace than I've felt in a very long time.
And the absolute certainty that no matter what happens, its for the best, and that I just need to flow with the current, and go with what happens.
Its my Karma...
And I'm so grateful that I was able to finally submit to that.
So despite my fears...despite my worries..despite my aching loneliness inside my heart..I can thank God for the things I have...and wait for the things I need.
Thats the way of it...at least thats what I think

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Lil one

Has spent the last two days doing nothing but sleep.
I got her a vanilla milkshake today, she woke up to drink that, take some tylenol and crash again.
I had to wake her this morning to take her antibiotic.
Rest is good, gets her better.
And with the social whirl she's been on for these past numerous weeks, she's likely catching up on just normal sleep as well.
And since the kits were at Petsupermarket today for their vaccines, they had a stressful morning as well..
When I got home, she grabbed her pillow and blankets off my bed, and went into her own bed for the first time in two days, where silence has reigned for the past several hrs.
I think all my babies are sleeping...lol..
Kits are all updated with their vaccines now, including rabies, so I can go ahead and get them fixed ASAP
I hope I hear from the S.P.O.T. program soon, they give a ten dollar voucher for spaying/neutering if you meet the criteria.
I tried calling yesterday, no answer.
I guess I'll have to try again on Monday.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Rescue mission

I woke up, and the phone rang...yes I woke up first.
It was Lil one...at the movies seeing the first midnight showing of Dark Knight, she had said she didn't feel good, now was feeling dreadful.
Could I come pick her up.
Of course, I'll be right there.
Her Boyfriend was with her outside, and she got in the car and said Mom, hurry, I'm going to throw up.
We both knew what that meant.
Strep Throat.
She ALWAYS pukes when she gets strep.
Shes in my bed now, with tons of blankets and a bowl next to her, and I gave her a Drixoral.
She sipped on some chicken broth to help either settle her stomach or give her something to throw up.
I put on a pot of coffee...I'm tired but I think I'll be up for a bit..
Once you get so AWAKE like that...its tough to wind back down.
Her temp is 103.2 poor kid..
Looks like a shot of 'cillen in the butt for her today.
I'll call the pediatricians office as soon as they open to make an appt.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

If love ever gives me another try


God this is so true, I could sob...And its a truth I live with.
I'm a closed door..Too much baggage...too much water under the bridge










All the things I felt and never shared.
All the times she was lonely with me there.
Tears I wouldn't let fall from my eyes, and how I let her go without a fight.

The reasons Im alone I know by heart, but I dont wanna spend forever in the dark.
I swear next time Ill hang on for dear life. If love ever gives me another try.

Theres no changin things that we regret,
the best that we can hope for is one more chance.
If the hands of time could just move in reverse, I wouldn't make the same mistake again with her

The reasons Im alone I know by heart, but I dont wanna spend forever in the dark.
I swear next time Ill hang on for dear life. If love ever gives me another try.

The reasons Im alone I know by heart, but I dont wanna spend forever in the dark.
I swear next time Ill hang on for dear life. If love ever gives me another try.

Oh if love ever gives me another try

Depression forming

From the National Hurricane Center

SATELLITE IMAGES AND SURFACE OBSERVATIONS INDICATE THAT THE AREA OF
LOW PRESSURE LOCATED ABOUT 225 MILES EAST OF THE WINDWARD ISLANDS
HAS BECOME BETTER-ORGANIZED AND A TROPICAL DEPRESSION COULD BE
FORMING. AN AIR FORCE RESERVE HURRICANE HUNTER AIRCRAFT WILL BE
INVESTIGATING THIS SYSTEM THIS AFTERNOON TO DETERMINE IF A TROPICAL
CYCLONE HAS FORMED. EVEN IF NO DEVELOPMENT OCCURS...LOCALIZED
HEAVY RAINS AND GUSTY WINDS ARE POSSIBLE IN THE WINDWARD ISLANDS
TODAY AND TONIGHT. ALL INTERESTS IN THE WINDWARD ISLANDS SHOULD
MONITOR THE PROGRESS OF THIS SYSTEM...AND FOR INFORMATION SPECIFIC
TO YOUR AREA...PLEASE CONSULT STATEMENTS FROM YOUR LOCAL WEATHER
OFFICE.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Please tell me why


An oldie but a goodie.
Lyrics also on the blog in the past...again, search em out if you want em.
Blink 182

Friday, July 11, 2008

Men on Tv

Can I have yo' number????

Animal I have become


Three Days Grace
They opened the show with this song, got the crowd to its feet and induced a rhythm that lasted for the rest of their time on stage.
These guys are awesome...and Adams voice is hypnotic and enticing.



I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

Self Esteem


I put the lyrics on the blog in the past...search em out if you want...
This is Offspring

Zero



















Smashing Pumpkins


"Zero"

My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when we're really gonna need'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only

Thursday, July 10, 2008

This evening

Took Lil one and her friend V to the movies ...they met her boyfriend..lol..I still can't think of her having a boyfriend without a little laugh...so young...
I took a nice shower, put my lounging clothes on and watched The Chronicles of Riddick for the "nth time..
Now I'm watching Animal Police Miami.
Sipping on a nice Cab Merlot blend and relaxing...
Trying to forget the check I wrote earlier for 350$ for her replacement retainer...groan...
Ex has to pay half, regardless of what HE thinks...
Its in the divorce decree sucker..
Got my furry kids here, the boys and the kits...who I let out earlier to run amuck...
They wrestled and ran so much that Alice was sitting on the living room floor actually panting...lol lol.
I am going to mail my application out tomorrow to the county, to hopefully get a voucher for ten dollar spay/neuter thru the program they have to sterilize animals.
I hope I fit their criteria.
For a change, my mind is somewhat peaceful and at rest tonite....possibly due to people I can vent to...Its priceless...simply priceless.
And knowing that if I left here, I'd be missed dreadfully

So far today

Lil one and I had Orthodontist appts..this was my last one unless I have a problem.
Lil one had to get a new retainer, her friends dog chewed hers up.
KA CHING....
I hope insurance pays good...
Then it was off to the Pembroke Lakes Mall and ( shudder ) Victorias Secret where Lil one likes to get stuff, and I actually love their Body Sprays, some of them smell amazing.
But I always feel OLD in that store...lol..its really become totally geared to teens and twenty somethings.
Then it was Target for underwear, again for Lil one ( altho I picked up a few things too, Hello my name is Melodybleu and I am an underwear addict )
I must have at least 100 pr of underwear, my one fetish ( that I admit to anyway )
I've met others of my kind, we are an understanding breed when we speak of this issue..
My rules: No thongs, ever NEVER.
Thongs were invented by a man obviously, and the idea of deliberately putting something in the very place I occassionally need to pull my underwear OUT of is not my idea of comfort..
100% cotton, always and the more cottony the better. Lets face it, soft cotton feels good..
As many colors and patterns as possible, including your basic white of course..lol
NO BIKINIS...why bother, just like with thongs, I'd rather just go commando...
And last but not least, NO GRANNY PANTIES..
They just ain't right.
For the person who has never shopped for ladies panties, it can be a frighteningly scary world
Hipster
Low rise
Hi Cut
Hi Cut brief
Brief
Boy short
Bikini
Thong
Sport brief
Hi cut sport brief
Those are just the styles I can think of off the top of my head.
And thats because I was forced to see every single blessed one as Lil one shopped.
Thank god its done for a few months.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The story of Pink

One November morning, when I turned four, I awoke to the most amazing and wonderful surprise I'd ever had.
Teddy.
Teddy was Pink, and almost half my size...and my Daddy had gotten him for me.
It was 1962, Hollywood Florida, and I had my birthday there that year as I was to for a few more years..and Teddy was the wonder of them all.
I slept with Teddy for years. I told him secrets, and when needed cried into his soft pink fur.
I have no shame in admitting that I slept with Teddy until I was a teen, or older..I don't really remember how old I was when that stopped.
But Teddy was my protector, my soul mate, my secret keeper.
At some point in the eighties, I found out about a woman who was a teddy bear lover.
Her husband was wealthy, ergo she had the resources to do what she loved.
She was the Teddy Bear Doctor.
I took Teddy to her. She reformed his flattened snout. She gave him a new felt tongue, which had long been worn away.
She fluffed his ears, one of which had a lil bell.
And she told me he was delicate, and that it was a matter of time.
When we were packing to move to Florida, I had to make a decision on many things.
When I touched Teddy, whom for some unknown reason I now called Pink, the fur fluffed away.
There were no hugs to be had, no fondling available.
So I had to make a choice, and I'm sad to say...
Anyway.....
It has made me a person who is very tactile. THINGS are important to me as far as touch.
Lil One gave me one of her blankies a while back. I have no shame in stating I sleep with it still. I slept with it when Ex was still here.
That Blankie gave me more love and comfort than he EVER did.
The jist of the story.
I miss Teddy
I miss Pink.
I wish I had just kept him,,,and even if I could'nt touch or hold him....I could see him.
All I have ever wanted in my life was unconditional love.
I've never gotten it anywhere....
Except from Teddy...from Pink.
I've got love from my lil one.
But thats different.'
My whole life, since I can remember...all I ever wanted was love. Someone who loved me as much as I loved them.
And I could deal with the rest of lifes bull.
And thats something I've never had, and never will.
Thats the story of Pink.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Feel quite icky

My stomach is all riled up, so what else is new.
I am waiting for Lil one to finish getting ready, I'm taking her to her friends house.
I think she spends more time at friends homes than she does here...which is nice.
She has the whirlwind social life I never did at her age, hell at any age.
So one huge prayer of mine has been answered.
Shes not like me.
Not in that way.
She has a boyfriend, and she's got friends, and she is basically a happy kid.
Thank you God for that.
We are going out to get a bit to eat, then I'm coming home and escaping into bed..my safe place..lol
I work the next two days, so a early night will do me good.
I don't want a Hurricane to hit anyone, but god I hope it doesn't come here.
I've had too much happen to want to have to deal with a Hurricane at this point.
Especially all alone.

Probable Category 2 by tonite

Hurricane Bertha












From the National Hurricane Center
...SPECIAL FEATURE....

TROPICAL STORM BERTHA WAS UPGRADED TO HURRICANE AT 07/0900 UTC.
HURRICANE BERTHA IS CENTERED NEAR 19.3N 50.2W AT 07/0900 UTC OR
ABOUT 730 NM E OF THE NORTHERN LEEWARD ISLANDS MOVING WNW AT 15
KT. ESTIMATED MINIMUM CENTRAL PRESSURE IS 987 MB. MAXIMUM
SUSTAINED WIND SPEED IS 65 KT WITH GUSTS TO 80 KT. SEE LATEST
NHC FORECAST/ADVISORY UNDER AWIPS/WMO HEADERS MIATCMAT2/WTNT42
KNHC FOR MORE DETAILS. BERTHA HAS DEVELOPED AN EYE ROUGHLY 15-20
NM IN DIAMETER. WHILE A HURRICANE DOES NOT FORM EVERY YEAR IN
JULY IN THE ATLANTIC BASIN...IT HAS CERTAINLY HAPPENED BEFORE...
INCLUDING IN 1996 WHEN ANOTHER HURRICANE BERTHA FORMED...
COINCIDENTALLY ALSO ON JULY 7. DEEP CONVECTION NOW SURROUNDS THE
EYE BUT THE LARGEST AREA REMAINS TO THE NW. SCATTERED MODERATE/
ISOLATED STRONG CONVECTION IS WITHIN 75 NM OF LINE FROM 18N51W
TO 22N49W.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Tropical Storm Bertha













After the disagreement Ex and I had last week, I'm wondering if he will be so willing to help me with the storm prep.
I'll just soldier on best I can.
I'm waiting another day or two to see if we can get a better idea what will happen, before I go out and buy gas for the generator.
Gas is so expensive, its not a purchase I want to make foolishly, or unnecessarily.
So I'll just wait and see.
I suppose I could ask David if he knows some people who would come and put my shutters up for a price.
That might be best for all involved.
Just a side note for those of you who think I go thru every day solemn and tearful..lol
I don't imagine anyone I work with or encounter in a day, would ever imagine what goes on behind my smiling face.
So no worries Blog faithful, I just let the worries out here, not in public.
And I must be pretty damn good at it, because I make people LAUGH...no doubt about it.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Tropical Storm Bertha


I'm watching it carefully.
I need to.
My sister and her family are leaving S Fla, leaving me..
She got a job on the other side of the country, and is leaving in four weeks.
I told Lil one today, I had to. It was a secret that was eating me alive.
I had promised my niece I would let her tell Lil one, but I just couldn't hold it in any more.
She went into her room and sobbed her heart out.
I just dropped her off over there, and I'm expecting there will be quite a few tears shed on both parts..
As for me? I'm numb.
And thinking its for the best. I've fairly isolated myself down to only a handful of people, and think that the fewer people I let into my life, the less I'll get hurt.
When I love, I love with my all, and its bitten my ass one time too many times.
So maybe its for the best.
They will leave, and I will be here with Lil one and BFF.
And I watch the storm in the Atlantic and think, its like the end of the movie The Terminator..
Theres a storm coming.
But I mean that in more ways than one.
I have a deep dreaded worry about the near future, and what will happen to this world.
I pray, and I hope God hears me, and answers my current needs.
Money, and safety.
No more at this point. I have stopped praying for love, for happiness, for anything close to contentment. What I've learned from Ex, and every other man in my life, is that loving is not enough. Trying my best is not enough.
I'm never enough. So I refuse to let anyone back in my heart. I can't have it break any more than it already has.
I need money so I don't have to worry every blessed minute of every day, and I want safety and health for me and my girl..Thats it.
So I pray.