Monday, March 31, 2008

Vanda is budding

Last time the flower never opened...I hope it does this time.
I slept till almost 12, I was exhausted...
Had a great time last night after work with BFF and it was so relaxing to sip on some wine and just talk.
I filled her in on everything thats happened this past few days..and reassured her that I am ok.

Will be back to serious job hunting again for that second job...its unavoidable at this point if I am going to survive.
I made so many foolish decisions over the last year, based solely on the idea that it would be ok, that I wouldn't be struggling alone, and would have love and support.
Well as John Lennon said, life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

What would I do without BFF

We went out after work ( I did four twelves..and I am wasted)
She is the one person I can tell everything to...and I did today and tonite.

Without the heart engaged...its easier to deal.
I need physical comfort...and thats what I'm all about now...
If it leads to more..then amen brotha...I'm happy as hell.
If not....I'm happy as hell.
I am not a retiring nun hiding from the world...and I won't be.
Prayers, positive vibes and hugs needed...
HUG ME BLOG FAITHFUL....
lol

Friday, March 28, 2008

My salvation

At times is this blog.
The utter honesty that I employ here...that I can vent..and just let it all out.
And I thank my blog faithful for coming back time and again...even tho noone comments..lol.
COMMENT FOLKS...
Sheesh..only Rhapsody does...and comments are welcome..

I'm of a mindset now

That love is a surreal untouchable thing.
And all I am thinking bout, is being desired.
What we are driven to by life is amazing.
I've been used, lied to and therefore mentally abused.
I'm done with that nonsense.
I'll not be fooled again...lol..to paraphrase The Who.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

New tires

I couldn't put it off any longer. I had my Amex rebate and some Costco coupons and went today to get the four new ones put on.
I wanted to do it before the rainy season comes.
What can I say...money makes the world go 'round.
Tires were 500$ and with my coupons came down to about four hundred.
Oh..and Lil ones IPod is fried..
She cleaned out her bank acct and I made up the difference...sigh..
another few hundred.
Lets call it an early and only birthday present.

Fool me once.....

Shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
What if you fool yourself...over and over and over again.
That just makes you a pathetic wanker.
Well you're looking at one here folks.
And you wonder why I still believe in Santa Claus and Fairies?
Me too.

Monday, March 24, 2008

I know this is prolly WTMI

Lol...but for my female readers I have to tell you guys that I just got home from having my first wax..
OH YES...I WENT THERE!!!!
I had a full Brazilian and let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as painful as I was afraid it would be.
When I first thought of doing it, I had to Google waxes to even see what the hell a Brazilian was vs a Bikini..lmao..
I am so cosmopolitan huh?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

And more money.....

Lil one finally asked for math tutoring. She wants to pull her grade up as high as possible so she can do pre calculus in the fall.
Tutoring=990$
Thats 24 hrs, one hr twice a week.
KA'CHING...
I'm so tired of worrying about money.
It really SHOULD grow on trees.

I'm here

Just kind of mulling things over...finished three days of work last evening..went out to dinner with BFF and her man...had fun.
Just thinking, mulling...and trying to deal with a huge mix of emotions and thoughts.
I'll be blogging again shortly

Monday, March 17, 2008

Small heat wave

After one of the hottest weekends in more than 30 years, South Florida temperatures are expected to drop back to normal this week.

On Saturday, thermometers reached 90 degrees in Fort Lauderdale and Miami, breaking records set in 1965 and 2003 respectively, the National Weather Service said.

And on Sunday, temperatures reached 90 degrees in Fort Lauderdale and 91 degrees in Miami, surpassing records set in 1971 and 1977 respectively. "Palm Beach [County] was close, but no cigar," said Bob Ebaugh, a forecaster with the weather service. The highs were 89 on Saturday and 88 Sunday at Palm Beach County International Airport.

Temperatures throughout South Florida will be in the mid- to lower-80s for the rest of the week, which is normal this time of year, Ebaugh said.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I have my reasons for this


Feels like the sun might shine again.
I've not ever been a huge country fan, but I simply adore this song...for many many reasons. And he really has a wonderful voice.
Toby Keith


"You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This"

I've got a funny feeling
The moment that your lips touched mine
Something shot right through me
My heart skipped a beat in time

There's a different feel about you tonight
It's got me thinkin' lots of crazy things
I even think I saw a flash of light
It felt like electricity

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again

Everybody swears we make the perfect pair
But dancing is as far as it goes
Girl you've never moved me quite
The way you moved me tonight
I just wanted you to know
I just wanted you to know

You shouldn't kiss me like this
Unless you mean it like that
Cause I'll just close my eyes
And I won't know where I'm at
We'll get lost on this dance floor
Spinnin' around
And around
And around
And around

They're all watchin' us now
They think we're falling in love
They'd never believe we're just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
If you do baby kiss me again
Kiss me again

WELL crash down to earth again

Lil one got robbed ...rather pickpocketed at the show last night
They stole her I Phone....which is only a few months old.
I'm out 300$
Got my homeowners policy renewal. The supposed insurance reductions are gone this year, and it is almost 5300$
I was counting on it being closer to last years reduced amount.
Silly me.
What in gods name am I going to do after this year.
Lose my house I guess...unless I can find another job, which has been a bust so far.
Every time I get back up again..I get knocked down.
Something keeps telling me to just stay down, then the kicks won't hurt so much.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Good morning all

Well I'm doing pretty good today. I went to the gym yesterday, walked three miles today, still firmly on the wagon too. I haven't had anything to drink since the first day of fever with the damn Flu.
The only time I drank was with BFF when we went to the concert, and who can pass up a tasty 8$ beer???
Certainly not I!!!!!!!! LOL
Anyway, I am driving Lil One and two of her BFF's to Culture Room in Ft Lauderdale this afternoon to see a concert, and I am doing laundry and trying to feel all productive.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Loneliness

Little do men perceive what solitude is, and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company, and faces are but a gallery of pictures,
and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love.

- Francis Bacon

Loneliness

Being apart and lonely is like rain.
It climbs toward evening from the ocean plains;
from flat places, rolling and remote, it climbs
to heaven, which is its old abode.
And only when leaving heaven drops upon the city.

It rains down on us in those twittering
hours when the streets turn their faces to the dawn,
and when two bodies who have found nothing,
dissapointed and depressed, roll over;
and when two people who despise eachother
have to sleep together in one bed-

that is when loneliness receives the rivers...

` by Rainer Maria Rilke

Translated by Robert Bly



I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

I WANDERED lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

`William Wordsworth



I am

I am - yet what I am, none cares or knows:
My friends forsake me like a memory lost:
I am the self-consumer of my woes --
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love's frenzied stifled throes
And yet I am, and live-like vapours tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteem:
Even the dearest that I love the best
Are strange-nay, rather, stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man hath never trod
A place where woman never smiled or wept
there to abide with my creator God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie
The grass below, above, the vaulted sky.


- John Clare

I stand alone



Just a lil more Godsmack, cause damn that Sully Erna is SMOKIN' hot
Forgive the typos, I got these lyrics verbatim directly from the official Godsmack site, so they must be the way they are meant to be written









I've told you this once before, can't control me
if you try to take me down you're gonna break
I feel your every nothing that you're doin for me
I'm thinking you outta make your own way
I stand alone
Inside,
I Stand alone
You're always hiding behind your so called Godess
So what. You don't think that we can see you're face?
Ressurected back before the final falling
I'll never rest until i can make my own way
I'm not afraid of fading. . .
I Stand Alone
Feeling your sting down inside me,
I'm not dying for it I stand alone.
Everything that i believe is fading
I stand Alone, inside i stand alone
And now it's my time
It's my time to dream
dream of the skies
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued by the poison in me
And help me decide if my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside

Hollow













..Sully Erna with back up by Lisa Guyer






Godsmack - Hollow
One more step and I could fall away
If it happened would it matter
And I can't tell if I should go or stay.
Same old picture feels so hollow.
How can anybody know what's best for me
Another page I turn in shame.
And my decisions brought me to my knees,
I needed someone to blame.

I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow
Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Once upon a time in broken dreams.
Reflections that I can't face.
So hold your breath and make a wish for me.
Take me to a better place.
Time always seems to be passing by
It never waits for me
If I could do it all one more time, I wouldn't change a thing.

I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow
I feel so hollow, I feel so hollow

Time to do what's best for me I believe I can change.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

I Ching

I got a copy, and I've become quite interested in it..
I've been praying alot...and I did a few readings today with I Ching.
FASCINATING!
It referenced exactly what I was asking, but in a different approach.

Deep sigh

Ok oh ye Blog Faithful.
Prayers and positive vibes needed.
Had a lil breakdown earlier...but I'm sort of all better now...kinda sorta..
Sigh.
Just had another one of those times when I thought.
1. Not worth loving
2. Not worth overcoming obstacles
3. Lose/drive away everyone I love
4. Dumbass for being Loves Bitch
5. Contemplating the forseeable future as an endless repetition of step blink, step blink, sleep, wake, step blink.
6. Couldn't help myself but pick up and hold the Crystal for the first time in weeks.
7. Finally had myself a good hard cry ( which I NEVER allow myself to do, its generally a huge waste of time and doesn't solve or cure anything)
8. Went out for a walk with said crystal tucked firmly up against my heart, came home and put it away again, safe with Jess by her Mass Card.
9. Prayed ( A.K.A. begged God to make me numb, and stop me from still loving a certain stubborn Mule)
10. Prayers muchly appreciated by aforementioned dumbass Loves Bitch.
:-/

I want it all















My God this is how I feel right this second..



Queen


I want it all I want it all I want it all and I want it now
Adventure seeker on an empty street
Just an alley creeper light on his feet
A young fighter screaming with no time for doubt
With the pain and anger can't see a way out
It ain't much I'm asking I heard him say
Gotta find me a future move out of my way
I want it all I want it all I want it all and I want it now
I want it all I want it all I want it all and I want it now

Listen all you people come gather round
I gotta get me a game plan gotta shake you to the ground
Just give me what I know is mine
People do you hear me just give me the sign
It ain't much I'm asking if you want the truth
Here's to the future for the dreams of youth
I want it all (give it all) I want it all I want it all and I want
it now
I want it all (yes I want it all) I want it all (hey)
I want it all and I want it now

I'm a man with a one track mind
So much to do in one life time (Do you hear me people?)
Not a man for compromise and where's and why's and living
lies
So I'm living it all (yes I'm living it all)
And I'm giving it all (and I'm giving it all)

Yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
I want it all all all all

It ain't much I'm asking if you want the truth
Here's to the future
Hear the cry of youth (hear the cry hear the cry of youth)
I want it all I want it all I want it all and I want it now
I want it all (yeah yeah yeah) I want it all I want it all and I
want it now

I want it
Now
I want it I want it

Dirty Work

















By Steely Dan


Times are hard
You're afraid to pay the fee
So you find yourself somebody
Who can do the job for free
When you need a bit of lovin'
Cause your man is out of town
That's the time you get me runnin'
And you know I'll be around

[Chorus:]
I'm a fool to do your dirty work
Oh yeah
I don't wanna do your dirty work
No more
I'm a fool to do your dirty work
Oh yeah

Light the candle
Put the lock upon the door
You have sent the maid home early
Like a thousand times before
Like the castle in its corner
In a medieval game
I foresee terrible trouble
And I stay here just the same

Thursday, March 06, 2008

All bod?

All bod?
Fydd?
Arswyda at gobeithia ,
namyn arswyda mo at.

Never fear blog faithful, this is simply welsh...

Concert last night

ROCKED!!!!
The bands were awesome..and when Three Days Grace came on...I hooted and howled and sang along with them..lol.
BFF sat and played solitaire on her phone, because she is a great BFF and went with me only to keep me company..
I got two t shirts, drank 8$ beers and had a fantastic time.
PARTY ON WAYNE, PARTY ON GARTH!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Steven Colbert

Is hands down one of my favorite t.v personalities to watch.
The Colbert Report is a must see at the Melodybleu house.
This particular interview with Lou Dobbs is classic Colbert..
Enjoy

Kimchee

I haven't seen Kimchee in several days.
I guess she is gone on her northward migration.
I shall miss seeing her darting about the yard, feeding on the firespike bush, and at the hummer feeder.
But I hope she will be back in the fall

Sunday, March 02, 2008

First exercise since I got sick

Lots of benes from getting sick, including my going on the wagon and somehow staying on, which apparently is the key to losing weight as well.
I've lost ten lbs in two weeks, lovely!!!!!!!!!
So I figure I'll stay on the wagon, and I went out and walked today.
I only went two miles, since its my first time in two weeks. It went rather well.
So anyway, I figure I may as well try to lose this paxil weight now, because if I am going to find someone to have hot meaningless monkey luvin with, I'm definitely going to need a tighter bod than the one I'm sporting right now.

Journey to the Center of the Earth


Was on the other day. I adore this film, and even Pat Boone in this particular role..lol
James Mason is so cool..
Anyway, this film brings back alot of memories from my childhood, it used to play on the matinee shows on local TV in NY..
I missed the beginning, so I think I'll rent it from NETFLIX and watch it from the very start.

Jimmy Kimmel is F***ing Ben Affleck




On a much funnier and lighter note..this was so funny, I laughed till I cried..

Is it wrong?

I DON'T want to be unchristian, unkind, or so mean spirited. But I'm honest with myself at all times, and I'll be damned if I'm not still thinking..
I HOPE YOU'RE MISERABLE..I HOPE YOU CAN'T SLEEP...I HOPE YOU CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU USED ME, LIED TO ME AND MADE ME BELIEVE YOU LOVED ME..
Ok..giving myself a firm lil shake..lol.
I know this has to pass as well...but its how I feel.

A Dream Pang
















by: Robert Frost 1874-1963
I had withdrawn in forest, and my song
Was swallowed up in leaves that blew alway;
And to the forest edge you came one day
(This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,
But did not enter, though the wish was strong:
You shook your pensive head as who should say,
'I dare not--too far in his footsteps stray--
He must seek me would he undo the wrong.

Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all
Behind low boughs the trees let down outside;
And the sweet pang it cost me not to call
And tell you that I saw does still abide.
But 'tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,
For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof.