Monday, January 28, 2008

Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Jess

Nothing else matters



















Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no nothing else matters

New TV








Ex arrived promptly this morning, and drove me to Costco to get another TV to replace the Plasma he wanted and got in the divorce.
As we stood there in Costco, he suddenly said, why don't you just buy a smaller one, give me that and you keep the Plasma.
I thought about it briefly, then told him no, I would get the TV I wanted, and give him the plasma, because then I'd have a warranty on the TV. ( and as for the purchase, I put it on the damned credit card, its the one thing I will use my 401K money for that isn't bills etc. I deserve it for the hell that plasma cost me )
And frankly, that damn plasma was a bone of contention far too long for me to really want to keep it.
I didn't want it in the first place, he insisted and said it was for mothers day.
Then it was the very first thing that was mentioned in the divorce mediation.
I loved it, but hated it.
Every time I looked at it, I remembered.
I also got a Sony DVD VCR that can dub back and forth.
We came back, got it all set up and he took his plasma.
The TV is a Vizio Lcd, and it has a gorgeous picture..and I am glad to finally be able to watch DVD's and VCR tapes in my bedroom

Signs and portents

I may be a fool
I may be pathetic
I am simply Loves Bitch, always have been and always will be.
Its ok, I can deal. God has given me signs, and strength, even when I don't always have the faith I should.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Washer update

It cost me 99.50$ for the man to tell me the washer wasn't working because the drain hose was too far down the drain pipe.
On a day I took off unpaid.
When I mentioned to Lil one that I was not about to ask her dad to look at it..she said he'd be annoyed if you did, and say I don't live here any more.
I just looked at her and said, you're right, but he should think of it as helping his daughter out.
He'd be more help to a coworker than to me.
Hence the not asking.
I don't need him, I don't need anyone.
I can go to the poor house all by my self just fine, thank you very much.

Worries crushing me even more

Job is so stressful. Work load and patient load so down, its not funny, and rumors of layoffs and forced transfers are everywhere.
I can't get another job right now, because its slow as hell for some reason here in south florida healthcare.
After just paying a plumber over 4000$ ( paying? who am I kidding, it had to go on the credit card ) for plumbing and hot water heater, my washer is broken.

So I'm waiting here for the GE repair person to arrive.
gawd knows what this will cost.
I'm not making ends meet as it is...and things are just on such a tight wire, that I'm terrified to look down, up or side to side. And frankly looking forward is the worst view right now.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Cat and mouse















Lil one listens to this group a lot..
I happen to love this song of theirs..

Red jumpsuit apparatus
Cat and mouse

Softly we tremble tonight,
picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight,
I said I'd never leave you'll never change
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.

Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

We made plans to grow old,
believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game cat and mouse are we the same people as before this came to light?

Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

You must live for me too'...
For me too...yeah, yeah...
You said that you would die for me...

Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price
You said, you said that you would die for me...

You said that you would die for me
You said that you would die for me ohoo
You said that you would die for me oohooo

Also suggested by Lil one







I'm glad I'm not the only one who remembers her..
Mourning I guess, amidst all the troubles I'm having here, It suddenly hit me how much I miss her, and wish she was still with me.






Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

For Jess, suggested by Lil one









She says this song makes her think of my Jess.
My family had to live with my grief, which was considerable.
Just goes to show you, love knows no boundaries, neither distance or time or age.
It is a life unto itself, an entity that encompasses and embraces where it chances.
And I feel blessed to have known that lil shorty girl.

"Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

Na na na na na na na

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh

I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...

Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you

Monday, January 21, 2008

Jessie

In memory of my dear Jess...she died three years ago this feb..and I miss her still.
We never met face to face, but we loved each other as sisters, friends and confidants.
She died on Feb 5th 2005, and I spoke with her three days prior. When she told me there was no hope, and I just said..oh Jess..
Her reply? "Yeah, ain't that some shit?"
That was my Jess..spunky lil firecracker. She would have been 29 in July.
I had sent her a livestrong bracelet, and when she died, her mom told me that she had jess buried with it still on her wrist.
God I miss you Jess.

Jesse by Joan Baez

Jesse come home, there's a hole in the bed
Where we slept; now it's growing cold.
Jesse your face, in the place where we lay
By the hearth, all apart, it hangs on my heart

And I'm leaving the light on the stairs
No I'm not scared; I wait for you
Hey Jesse, it's lonely, come home.

Jesse the stairs in the halls, recalling
Your step; and I remember too.
All the pictures are shaded and fading in grey
And I still set a place on the table at noon

And I'm leaving the light on the stairs
No I'm not scared; I wait for you
Hey Jesse, it's lonely, come home.

Jesse the spread on the bed,
It's like when you left, I kept it for you.
All the blues and the greens have been recently cleaned
And are seemingly new; hey Jess, me and you.

We'll swallow the light on the stairs
I'll fix up my hair, we'll sleep unawares
Hey Jesse, it's lonely, come home

Fallys wound update

Its healing, but slowly.
Lil one and I change the bandage daily, spray it with doggy disinfectant and rewrap it.
I worry about loving these creatures so much, it will destroy a part of me if and when they go.

Bad back pain

In the form of muscle spasms in the lower part of my back..right above the glutes.
I went to the gym today, and after I came home and relaxed a bit, was having to be very careful of how I walked and moved..or else AGONY SPASMS..
I've had this off and on thru the years, and in the past ex used to do a real deep massage of the offending muscles.
Noone here to do that now, and heating pad, soaking in a hot tub, eases but doesn't eliminate it.
Its been like this for weeks now, and I'm finding the physical pain on top of the stress level I'm already experiencing is becoming unbearable.
I guess I need to go to the Dr..but funny, I can't seem to muster up the energy to care.
Does that make sense? No..but thats just the way it is.
I am not energetic enough to exercise regularly, and do it as often as I feel able to.
I will try to make time to stretch tonite and tomorrow, and then walk slowly.
I find that I can't easily do my usual 3 plus miles any more, so I will struggle thru a 2 mile walk.
Its not fair, but then again nothing else in my life is right now anyway lol.

Edited posts and songs

Because I don't WANT to be in love..I don't want to pine and yearn
I want to feel NOTHING..
Much easier to feel nothing.

Torn

Its a song whose lyrics I find stirring, yet detest the musical form of it.
Its a song by Natalie Imbruglia, and the pop aspect of the song doesn't really match the lyrics IMHO..
So, I am dithering about whether to add the song itself..and deciding more against than for it.

Torn
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on, nothings fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I cant touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's whats going on, nothings right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Chop Suey!


One of my favorite groups...System of a down..
The grandsons of armenian genocide survivors...they are powerful singers and song writers..
Serj Tankian and Daron Malakian sing....blending like brothers...
Their stuff is powerful, painful and beautiful...
IMHO..This is Serge...the lead singer.





Chop Suey by Tankian and Malakian

Wake up, (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup,
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
Here you go create another fable,

(You wanted to)
Grab a brush and put on a little make-up,
(You wanted to)
Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up,
(You wanted to)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
(You wanted to)

I don't think you trust,
In my self-righteous suicide,
I cry when angels deserve to DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Wake up, (Wake up)
Grab a brush and put on a little makeup,
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup,
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
Here you go create another fable,

(You wanted to)
Grab a brush and put on a little make-up,
(You wanted to)
Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up,
(You wanted to)
Why'd you leave the keys upon the table,
(You wanted to)

I don't think you trust,
In my self-righteous suicide,
I cry when angels deserve to die,
In my self-righteous suicide,
I cry when angels deserve to die.

Father
(Mother)
Father
(Brother)
Father
(Fuck you)
Father
(Ahh!)

Father into your hands,
I commend my spirit,
Father into your hands,
Why have you forsaken me,
In your eyes forsaken me,
In your thoughts forsaken me,
In your heart forsaken, me oh,
Trust in my self-righteous suicide,
I cry when angels deserve to die,
In my self-righteous suicide,
Why cry when angels deserve to die.

Trouble






I refuse to recognize the persona of Yusuf Islam..
He'll be Cat Stevens to me...always. I am trying to download this song..when I do..I'll add it to my songs

Born Steven Demetre Georgiou


Trouble by Cat Stevens
Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

I wonder

Staring out at the lake today, and feeling as gray and dreary as the weather.
Staring out at the lake, watching the wind whip the water into milky little foam..and felt as cold and comfortless as the weather.
Thought about karma, and can't even begin to wonder of the why of it any more.
I feel like all my life has been about, since I can remember is struggle.
Struggle with emotions, which I didn't know as a child were indicative of chemical imbalance ( the panic disorder coupled with some OCD )
I didn't have panic as a child, but there was the OCD..and there was a period of time when I began to wonder why I couldn't be happy.
Life feels like one blow after another, not all the time, but too often for my taste.
I am so tired. So emotionally tired , exhausted and just want to escape somewhere, but theres nowhere to go.
I wish I could go someplace far away, lay on a chair under the shade of a palm, and listen to the oceans murmur, and feel the breeze on my body.
Where I could be content, without worry of money, emotional support, life as I know it.
And not to think, to wonder about why I'm never good enough, or why the people I love leave me.
Do I drive them away, with just being me? Or am I simply not the kind to be loved.
Who knows?
Cold and numb right now, like the day.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Misadventures with fire ants


I went to my favorite nursery on Griffin, and found a beautiful Fire Spike.
The hummers love them, so I wanted to get one for the front of the house.
When I got to the counter, I felt something sting me, and the man at the counter said, hey, that plant is full of ants.
It was...FIRE ANTS..
I got stung twice on my hands, and began to feel panicked.
I haven't come close to having a panic attack since the first day of divorce mediation ( on the drive there, I almost had a complete panic meltdown ) And that was the first time in several years for me to have those panic feelings.
I ran back, got another plant and paid for it.
The stinging in my hand, coupled with "what if" thinking, and I was getting sweaty and scared..what if I'm allergic, what if I have a reaction, what if I can't breathe.
Fortunately, the paxil and toprol control the responses to that adrenalized fear, but gawd it was awful. I always used to call ex, if he was unavailable my sister.
And for the first time, I also felt scared because I had no one to call.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Wounded Fally


He slipped last night coming into the house, and crashed into the slider.
I didn't see until today, that he had a gash on his right rear hock.
I sprayed it with antibiotic spray, and put a wrap on it..
Its purple..lol
I sure hope it doesn't get infected..
Poor Fally

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Never too late

By Three Days Grace
"Never Too Late"



This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

I am so excited!!!


Got tickets as soon as they went on sale for Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin and Seether at the Sound Advice Amphitheater in West Palm Beach.
I CAN'T WAIT....... LOL

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Todays projects









Well, I went to Lowes for sprinkler heads, and I refused to ask anyone..I figured it out all by myself, came home and changed two heads..GO ME..
LOL
I also bought a new red fountain grass to replace the old one.
After I planted the new grass, I clipped the other one way down, and trimmed the Pink Shrimp plant way down. Really looks much better.
And then, I transplanted Pinkee ( I finally named the flowering Pineapple ) and I hope this damn thing doesn't die. I pulled it out with my hands scooped under the root ball, and put it in a much larger pot, otherwise it would outgrow the pot and produce a smaller fruit.
I am exhausted, cause before that I went to the gym and worked out. I've been so good, worked out every day this week.
See my efforts? I just took a shower, and I'm going to sit out on my patio, with a glass of wine and relax.

I am the highway


















Audioslave, featuring the lucious, breathtaking Chris Cornell
I have a THING for deep deep voices.

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

A little less Sixteen Candles, A little more touch me


Fall Out Boy
Just in the mood for this song right now...
Hope you guys enjoy, turn those speakers up..lol


I confess, I messed up
Dropping "I'm sorry" like you're still around
And I know you dressed up
"Hey kid you'll never live this down"

'Cause you're just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
A long shot, don't even take this bet

You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

(Always on, always on)
You said you'd keep me honest
(Always on, always on)
But I won't call you on it
(Always on, always on)

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Cleaned the kitchen, still need to do the floor


Did the table, counters, lazy susan thingy and all. I so regret that Ex talked me into stainless steel appliances. They look fantastic when clean, but gawd they are impossible to KEEP clean. Especially the dishwasher, which ends up with water stains after every single use.
Looks so wonderful when its clean though..

New Hot Water Heater

So David suggested I check the age of my hot water heater, and low and behold, its the original...almost TWENTY YEARS OLD!!
Jeff the plumber was called, and I just decided to hell with it, get it replaced now while he is doing the last of the work.
So, another 750$ later, he is here just now, and will be installing the new unit.
Kaching, Kaching

Monday, January 07, 2008

Pinky died last night


I was trying to get him to eat, and stroking his head, and he just laid his head gently to the side..and left.
Poor little guy. Lil one was sad, but ok.
I cried like a big ole baby.
All she said to me was, I told you not to name him mom..
This song says it all for me.
Whats in my heart, and what I received, thanks to that poor little baby rat.
Thank you Pinky.




Pink Floyd

Wish You Were Here (Waters, Gilmour)


So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Wildlife rescue



The plumber obviously didn't just find a nest..



because last night I found this newborn baby rat in the middle of the garage floor.
Lil one insisted we try and save it, so I asked M to contact me with advise.
That man has raised just about every wild animal there is.
Last night we fed it dilute half and half with a Q tip. Today I went to petsupermarket and bought supplies, including Kitten formula, bedding, a lil cage for him ( for when he gets active) and a nurser bottle.
His lil mouth is too small to nurse, so I used an eye dropper to drop formula on his mouth, which I can hear him lapping up.
I call him Pinky..lol...M will know why.
His lil eyes aren't even open.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Khalil Gibran

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.

To view the pictures and get the gorgeous upclose

Click on the image, especially the second pic, and when it loads into its own window..a spectacular view of my hummer..

Another picture

He came back!













The Hummingbird came back, and has come back several times just in this last hour.
I hope this shows up well in the photo.

Weather

Well the bonechilling ( well it was bonechilling for us southern floridians anyway..lol ) cold is gone, and it is pouring with rain here today...Thats good.
No need for sprinklers to water my precious plants.
I have trimmed down the dead stalks on Penny, my exotic ginger, and my tomato plant is healthy and lush looking.
I had hoped Penny would bloom , but I think it needs to reestablish itself, and it certainly wasn't the largest ginger when I picked her out.
The pineapples, well now I'm so curious who will be next to bloom, and the one that is fruiting, I am curiously stuck on a name.
I usually have no problem getting a name firmly in my head when I look at something that needs personality identified.
Any suggestions? The pic is there, feel free to post a comment with a name suggestion.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

401k

Sent the divorce papers to Wachovia..so I could prove the acct is mine via divorce decree..
He said it likely could be processed today.
I hate to do it, but I really have no choice.
Survival is the name of the game after all...and as my profile says, I am damned tired of playing.

Animal totem

DH suggested that perhaps the hummingbird is my totem..
I'm not sure, there is also the butterfly..

Butterfly: metamorphosis and transformation
Scientific research has shown that the butterfly is the only living being capable of changing entirely its genetic structure during the process of transformation: the caterpillar's DNA is totally different from the butterfly's. Thus, it is the symbol of total transformation. Butterfly represents a need for change and greater freedom, and at the same time it represents courage: one requires courage to carry out the changes necessary in the process of growth. Its Medicine is related to the air and the mental powers. It teaches us to find clarity in the mental processes, to organize projects or to figure out the next step in our internal growth. If Butterfly is your Power Animal or if you feel in any way attracted to it, this means you are ready to undergo some kind of transformation. Examine which stage calls your attention the most: the egg is the beginning, the birth of some project or idea. The larva is the decision to manifest something in the physical world. The cocoon has to do with "going inside", either through insight or the development of the project or idea. The breaking of the cocoon deals with sharing the splendor of your creation with the whole world. Once you understand the stage you are on, you can discover which is the next step.

However, when I prayed, I asked for the Hummingbird..not a kind of butterfly..
Perhaps the Hummer IS my totem...

Hummingbird: messenger, timelessness

Hummingbird - the tiniest of all birds - brings special messages for us. It is the only creature that can stop dead while traveling at full speed. It can hover, or can go forward, backward, up or down. It lives on nectar and searches for the sweetness of life. Its long tongue lets it bypass the often tough and bitter outer layer to find the hidden treasures underneath. Hummingbird is loved by the flowers and plants, for as it sucks the nectar from the flower, the plant reproduces and more of its kind are created. In many traditions, Hummingbird feathers have been prized for their almost magical qualities. It is said that Hummingbird brings love as no other medicine can, and its presence brings joy to the observer.

If you have Hummingbird medicine, you adapt easily to whatever situation you may find yourself in, and make the most of your new circumstances. You don't waste time looking back and wishing for "what was" for you are concerned with making the most of "what is". Also, you could never become addicted to any artificial stimulants, for you find joy in your own heart. You take great pleasure in spreading joy and love and beauty to all around you, and have the gift of taking that inner joy into new and different surroundings. You have a talent for finding the good in people, and are not put off by a gruff or abrupt exterior, for you know that, if you can only get beyond that tough outside layer, you'll find goodness and beauty inside. You may have a gift for working with flowers, maybe growing them to share with others, or using flower essences for healing. Aroma therapy may be your calling. You have high energy and a spirit that must be free. To restrict that wonderful, free, loving energy is to suffer great depressions and feelings of uselessness. Hummingbird must fly free in search of beauty, spreading joy and love to all it touches.

Hmmmm...the Hummingbird..I think Marc is right..
In the past, at times of worry and great travail ( as I have now ) I have asked for the Hummingbird.

The story....You my blog faithful know of my family, home and financial troubles. Lots. I prayed for a sign for two days. Very
simple. I asked to see a hummingbird. I had not seen one yet this
year. Just a simple obvious yet not huge request ( unlike parting of
the red sea ) I went onto the patio just about an hour before dark on December 29th and there, trapped in my screened room , a hummer!!!!!
I used my butterfly net to catch it and set it free. I actually caught it, and let it go about four or five times..unsure how to keep it safe. I finally had Lil one bring me a piece of paper that I slid on the bird between the net and the screening of the room.
And my prayer? Just let everything be OK , whatever OK means. That was the actual prayer, whatever OK means.
I could have cried. What does it mean????
It represents more than the answer to my prayer for a sign. The significance of the number of times I captured it, to the final release.
The significance of my great need for love, and the ability to let it go. And pray, that I would have it again ( have love again/see the Hummingbird again )
I feared that it would be so traumatized it would not return. And it may not.
But that's what letting go truly means. That if it returns, that is the decision of the one let go, not mine.
It took much meditation and reflection to think this through.

There is also the possibility to have more than one totem..although

By Shaman Elder Maggie Wahls

"Your totem animal can change during your life. As you grow and change, your totem animals may change as well. You may have several totem animals at once. But one is a life totem and represents your basic self or personality, your essence. "

So perhaps I have both. I certainly have an enormous affinity for Butterflies, and garden exclusively to attract, feed and allow them to find everything their life cycles require.

The caterpillar several days later


Just took this pic.

First Pineapple to fruit



How odd...its one in a pot.
Its a pup of Chiquitas..I hadn't yet thought of a name for it..

It is freezing here

We actually have wind chill advisories for tonite and tomorrow..
Its 46 degrees right now, and the wind whipping across the lake is icy cold..
Plumber Jeff coming today, and I don't have the money. Hopefully the guy from Wachovia Securities will call back and tell me I can close that 401k in Ny and will be able to pay Jeff for all the work that needs doing.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008