Tuesday, October 30, 2007

More Lifehouse

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

One of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all other people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all other people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Oh...and the pabst beer...

A.K.A. as my pap smear was negative..
Which is much of the good...

Noel


Ok...so the season is almost over....and SMACK..
comes Noel
We are getting steady stiff winds from another source...with high wind gusts...
And Noel will give us more of the same...from another direction..or worse if it travels more south before turning north..
The chimes on the patio are sounding madly...wood...metal....glass...
Its lovely..and kinda skeery..

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hanging by a moment

Just got home and preparing to listen to music...this song...
hits home hard right this second.



Lifehouse



Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now...

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you....

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment (here with you)
Hanging by a moment here with you

Going out to walk

Its a gorgeous day...very breezy and only 86...
Its cooling off for sure..

Problem with hug meter...

I think the site must be down..or gone..
I can't reach it..and the meter doesn't show up.
DAMN...
I sure loved the cyber hugs,,,they're the only hugs I get..

P.S.

Kung pow wouldn't play for me....
So...family guy it is

Cancelled my beach reservations...








And decided that it was a generally bad idea all around.
1) Ex lives next door to hotel
2) Too many memories of happy times there with family
3) Ex lives next door to hotel
4) Had fantasy of the Mountain Man being with me for my birthday
5) Have I mentioned that Ex lives next door to the hotel?
6) Now have new project in mind for the week off

I am going to deep and thoroughly clean the house, forcing Lil one to help.
We are going to get the christmas decorations down from the attic..so I have them at hand. They can stay in the garage for now. I intend to put up the tree, which we didn't do last year, and I want to decorate the entryway..
I realize I have no place to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but I want it to be a happy place this year.
Ex usually managed to squash most holiday spirit, especially the last few years here, and I want to watch all the kiddie shows, listen to cheezy songs..and when Christmas Day comes, I have to thank God that there will NOT be a drunk spoiling my day..
He got drunk every christmas...EVERY SINGLE ONE...
I have to work Christmas Eve, and the second half of christmas day...
Thats ok..my girl and I will make with the merry, and thank God for the blessings we have.
I am being dumbass Loves Bitch as usual, and asking Santa for my love. That would be the greatest gift of all.

I know I've put this on my blog before...I mean it still



C. Marlowe

V. The Passionate Shepherd to His Love

COME live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield.

There will we sit upon the rocks 5
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

There will I make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies, 10
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle.

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull,
Fair linèd slippers for the cold, 15
With buckles of the purest gold.

A belt of straw and ivy buds
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my Love. 20

Thy silver dishes for thy meat
As precious as the gods do eat,
Shall on an ivory table be
Prepared each day for thee and me.

The shepherd swains shall dance and sing 25
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my Love.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Video clips of the week, Kung Pow

A truly sickly funny movie.
If you haven't seen it...rent it.
Steve Oederkerk is great in the movie ( creator of back in the barnyard, he also had a hand in Jimmy Neutron )

Rescued a Butterfly

I keep a net on the patio in case any get trapped in the screen room
I freed a trapped Zebra longwing..
I've also had to free birds numerous times, most recently a lil Palm Warbler

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

What I'm watching....


Ice Age
I love Manny...
wonder why???
He reminds me very much of a certain stubborn old mule..
But I love him anyway..

Tree Nymph from Butterfly World


In Coconut Creek.
Its such a fantastic place, haven't been in a few years..I'm heading there this
week just for the peace and beauty..
I want to see the butterflies, the hummingbirds, the gardens and buy some seeds in the gift shop.
They have exotic seeds for butterfies attracting plants, both as host source and nectar source.

System of a Down

Featured videos of the week...
If you don't know them...I suggest you start out with Hypnotize...
Google em...
Amazing stuff..

Travis Barker...






Ummm....he's a really good drummer? Saw him live this past summer during the Fallout Boy concert, he performed with +44
And this song is a bit of an oldy but still sounds smashing ...
And he has his wife's face tattooed on his neck..shudder...




Please tell me why "Blink 182"

Can we forget about the things i said when i was drunk..
I didn't mean to call you that
I can't remember what was said
or what you threw at me

Please tell me
please tell me why
my car is on the front yard
and i am sleeping with my clothes on
I came in through the window ...last night
and you're.....gone
gone

it's no surprise to me i am my own worst enemy
cuz every now and then i kick the living s**t out of me
the smoke alarm is going off and theres a cigarette
still burning

Please tell me why
my car is in the front yard
and I'm sleeping with my clothes on
i came in through the window last night
and you're gone
gone

Please tell me why
my car is in the front yard
and i am sleeping with my clothes on
i came in through the window last night

it's no surprise to me
i am my own worst enemy
cuz every now and then i kick the living' s**t out of me

can we forget about the things i said when i was drunk
i didn't mean to call you that

Ok..now why women still get their periods...

When they have decided there will be no more kids ...and lets face it..this factory is too old to put out any new product..
Damn period...loves partys, vacations, first dates, and job interviews.
None of which are occurring today, but...that was the surprise factor I guess.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Star light..Star bright

First star I see tonite
Wish I may
Wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonite...

My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon

"My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon" Fall Out Boy
I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out - the joke's on you
we are salt - you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

Woah [x2]
Ooo
Woah [x2]

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
cause I know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me

Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2]

And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you
and gut you on this stage
not as eloquent as I may have imagined
but it will get the job done (you're done)
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage

Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2]

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Walked today, and wished


I could just keep walking and not look back.
Unusually warm today, its 88 right now with a heat index of 94 degrees.
The sun shone hot and bright on me, and the sweat poured off..
I went about three miles...and still I am restless.

My yard today






The pics are of the tomato plant...isn't it huge? A zebra longwing trying to lay eggs on a vine that I know not its name...
And at the edge of the lake, two little Blue Herons sat, here is a picture of one of them. Migration is indeed underway, with a influx of all new creatures to my yard..
Also, Gus' banana tree..I love seeing the fruiting happen.
The airplant in the oak..well now I'm not sure if this is a sudden growth spurt or if it is fixing to flower.
It hasn't flowered once since I got it.
It sits in the crook of the Live oak, and I believe it is a Tillandsia..

Todays thoughts...

With love’s light wings did I o’erperch these walls,
For stony limits cannot hold love out,
And what love can do, that dares love attempt.
Romeo and Juliet, act 2, sc. 2, l. 66-8.


What staggers me is not the persistence of illusion,
but the persistence of the world in the face of illusion.
A. G. Mojtabai, Mundome


“Eras, es, eris meorum solum amorum aeternum.”
Translation...
“You were, you are, you will be my only love eternally.”


There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.
Andre Gide

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.
German Proverb

He who fears something gives it power over him.
Moorish Proverb


Hope is ambiguous, but fear is precise.
Leo Rosten


And finally...last but not least...for now anyway..

I came to believe it not true that "the
coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man
only one." I think it is the other way around:
It is the brave who die a thousand deaths.
For it is imagination, and not just conscience,
which doth make cowards of us all. Those
who do not know fear are not truly brave.
Leo Rosten

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Social worker at school ???????

Without any warning, was called yesterday, have a meeting today.
Lil ones attendence is suddenly a problem, and without following any of their own attendence procedures, they are giving her attendance to the school social worker
What am I supposed to do? She was out sick with a drs note for five days, and if she doesn't feel well, I let her stay home because if I'm working I can't go get her.
She's been having trouble sleeping the last several weeks, and told me her english teacher yells at her if she nods off in class....so WHAT THE hell AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
I called her father, who unfortunately is too busy to attend the meeting today with the Asst. Principal ( thats a big surprise) so I have to go alone.
ALONE , ALWAYS ALONE..
For once, JUST EFFING ONCE..I want someone to be there for me...100%
And I don't know if I can stay calm here...
Does god hate me? I feel like Job...tested..tested...tested...only it never ends.

Don't get me wrong

I'm getting up, moving....working..
But ok?
Hell no, far from it.
Wondering quite frankly, how I could so utterly and completely believe that I was finally being given the one gift I would value above most all others.
Somehow it went gone...
I'm waiting tho...no other choice.
Its like trying to decide that my eyes are a different color, its simply not part of my makeup.
As I told him once, I love completely and without reservation, its the only way I know how. Its not in my makeup to guard, to protect, to keep a bit back to keep me safe.
Hence, hell no, not ok here.
But I have no control over this...so be it.

The end of Hurricane season approaches

As well as the first day of the SEASON as its referred to here in south florida.
November first marks the day when we officially welcome ( not my word) the touristas and snow birds that spend their winters here.
To me it simply means I cannot enjoy the Broadwalk in Hollywood, and the traffice gets heavier in general.
But I thank god for the end of the Hurricane season. I would have been in serious trouble if we had a storm approach...me alone here with Lil one.
I'm still disgustingly sore from the yard work I did on sunday.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Pain

By my current obsession, Three Days Grace.
Its the OCD coming out in me...LOL

Pain

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

First fruit


On the tomato plant

Did yard work


Gus next door was too...
Beautiful windy gray day...
Stayed in the upper seventies.
I wanted to keep busy, have a sense of accomplishment..
Its been seven days, and about six hrs
This pile is just from weeding the back yard, trimming a few Hibiscus and the Devils backbone. Also took a few fronds off the Saw Palmetto
I just hope I don't get any rash from the backbone, I'm allergic to the sap, but I was just determined to do everything.
As a result, I can barely walk, muscle spasms in my back....GOOD...
PAIN IS GOOD..PAIN RIGHT NOW IS VERY VERY GOOD..CAUSE....( see a following post)

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Finally called

Granted it was the middle of the nite, but I couldn't sleep..and I just had to say I miss you.
No call back
I guess I have my answer

Friday, October 12, 2007

What does love mean?

Today, it meant watching a woman in her forties die from full blown aids.
We worked on her for twenty minutes...
Today meant watching a Dr deliver the news to the wife of a 35 yr old man, that he was too ill to get a tracheostomy done, that he was at the end of the line. He has terminal lung cancer, already spread to his bones.
Today it meant me looking at life, and wondering why people throw away a chance at happiness on this mortal plane, because what we do here colors what comes after.
I may have many failings, but one of them is not fear of love.
And when I pass on, I don't want to have to answer to why I didn't love.
I want to be able to say, I loved well...perhaps not wisely...but well.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Collapsed..

After I ate, I dropped like a rock...sore and bone weary..damn..
I undressed, put on my ninja robe and put some towels down on the pillow so I didn't sweat on it ( hair still all damp and curly from walk)
and damned if I didn't start to nod off.
had to get up to go get lil one from school..
I am just dithering ain't I?
Its like a manic opposite of having to take a break from blogging..I can't stop expressing..

With a few exceptions, this was my marriage

For at least the last 2 years or so. Intermittently prior to that..including the night before my amnio when he got so drunk that I had to smell his alkie breath all over me while I had a needle stuck in my pregnant body.
Simply substitute wine buzz for stoned..and its pretty much it.

Is it any wonder I'm so frigging needy???
ok...passing out noise makers and party hats cause this pity party is still in full swing..but its so WONDERFUL to be able to just feel sorry for myself and blather on and not hear anything back about what a baby I'm being...



Home; By Three Days Grace

I’ll be coming home
Just to be alone
Cause I know you’re not there
And I know that you don’t care
I can hardly wait to leave this place

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

By the time you come home
I’m already stoned
You turn off the TV
And you scream at me
I can hardly wait
Till you get off my case

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

I’m better off alone

No matter how hard I try
You’re never satisfied
This is not a home
I think I’m better off alone
You always disappear
Even when you’re here
This is not my home
I think I’m better off alone
Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a

Home, home, this house is not a
Home, home, this house is not a home

Check to lawyers...

Will bounce resoundingly, but no worries blog faithful, I have credit card overdraft...another kaching on the debt factory..
Going to close out my NY 401K and use that to pay down the debt so my monthly expenses are much more controllable.
I was going to go to the gym after I walked, but my body gave a resounding NO vote to that, I am sore as hell and I've been pushing for days on the edge..
Forgot to mention one bright note, got weighed in at Drs today, lost three lbs already..so thats fantastic.
So, I went to Publix, bought my new lottery ticket for the next twenty plays, and pray, and thats ALL I have the heart to pray for now, to win lotto.
Money would solve my daily worries of losing the house, and allow me the time to get back in shape, garden, and be a better mom.
I'm too scattered right now..Lil one said to me last night ( what made me leave for the unsuccessful likkering up trip) I'm tired of listening to you cry every night.
That made me bawl like a baby of course...and that she was upset and sorry that ( not gonna say the M word) is gone..( join the club kiddo)
I am just one huge snotragfest right now...but thats me..for better or worse.
So, just sitting here, sweating, waiting for my lunch to cook and then I have to pick Lil one up at her after school club meeting, GSA..gay straight alliance. She is like one of only a handful of straight kids in this club, and she joined to support her gay and bi friends...what a woooman huh?

Adventures in Gynecology

First time to new GYN...way way overdue for exam and pap smear.
So I had that officially humiliating experience taken care of, now I wait for the results of the Pap to see if I have cervical cancer.
Also got script for Mammo..thats another lovely humiliating experience that I currently have an appt for in November.
I had to have a breast biopsy several years ago,,,,very very scary. Thank god it was benign.
Off to walk now, got me some more tears I have to work out of my system...gotta keep busy busy busy...I learned that from the King of that river in egypt...DENIAL...

Well can't even go out and get likkered up !!

Had a huge blow up with Lil one who loves to lay the teenage guilt trip on me about EVERYTHING...so I stormed out of the house and went to Flanigans to have a few drinks.
BUT NOOOOOOO....the damn pretty perky bartender had to keep perky'ing at me.
how are you? can I do anything for you? I'm new, just call me if you need anything.
how was your day.
At that point I said, crappy..lol and she said oh I'm sorry, whats wrong..And I had to laugh to myself, and think, damn either you are sweet or stupid to try and chat past THIS EXPRESSION AND THIS BODY LANGUAGE.
I said I really don't want to talk about it, but thanks.
And I'm thinking, right this second cause my kid is a teenage bitch, and I am still struggling with the decision I HAD TO MAKE TO BREAK MY OWN HEART...
I truly wanted to laugh, sob, and kick that perky lil bitch till she cried like a baby girl while writhing on the ground.
Well she says, call if you need anything...GRRR ARRRGGGGGG
I had to finish the drink and just leave..went home got the kid and went out to Blockbuster to rent some movies.
So exasperating, and her name was the same as my kids...how CRAPPY WAS THAT?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Getting my act together

And needing something to refocus on. I am going to stop wallowing and get so busy that I simply don't have time to think.
Walked yesterday and went to the gym, I'm heading out now to do the same.
Lil one and I are both suffering from stress, this past year has suddenly become almost a full year .....since the marriage ended, since all of our lives changed for better or worse.
I am going to get back into shape, and stop ignoring the fact that it doesn't matter, because I'll be doing it for me and noone else..
I DO NOT WANT IT FOR ANYONE, cause loves pathetic bitch here needs to accept its just not in my life plan. I finally get it thru my thick head, and I know I won't stop being emotionally needy, so its time to just give the male gender a break..lol.
Ph**** one of my coworkers, not so subtly suggested that I deserve better than a long distance relationship, and that I need to find someone here, to help me and love me. I laughed and told her, oh honey I'm done..
But her suggestion that I focus on my fitness again, was a real eyeopener.
Exercise has been how I've kept my sanity since I was 20 yrs old, and this past almost two years is the longest time since then, that I've semi ignored it.
I need to sweat, to starve, to work out and recreate the survivor I know I am.
Survival, thats the name of the game...so says my profile..lol

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

From Echoes, by Holly

When they kissed, it was all teeth and tongue. She tasted blood but she didn’t know whose. At some point, the crystal blue of his eyes melted into the burning yellow of a demon’s, and just when the pressure mounting her insides became too much to bear, his fangs split into her neck and the world around her exploded.
She fell but he caught her, thrusting desperately into her still as she spasmed and trembled into orgasm. The name she screamed was William. Not Spike. Not Will. William. The embodiment of the two clear memories merged into one man.
“Mine!” he growled against her bloodied flesh, and somewhere deep inside her, a raging pain at last fell to peace.
This. This was what she needed. What she’d always needed.
To belong.
“Yours,” she sobbed eagerly, clinging to him madly.
“Take me,” he demanded.
And she did. Her blunt teeth sank hard into his neck and she felt him spill inside her, cooling the fire but starting a new one in the same stroke. “Mine,” she whispered.
Something within her locked and held.
“Yours. Oh God, Buffy, always.”
The inner screaming stopped and every inch of her burned with light.
And the last thought before consciousness left her completely was a reminder to herself.
He’d asked her what he felt like. She hadn’t had the words then. Not to articulate what she really wanted to say. What she felt he truly needed to hear.
She’d have to remember when she awoke. He needed to know.
He needed to know that he felt like home.
He always had.


Holly is one of my favorite Spuffy authors. She uses sexuality very passionately, as in romantic and meant to be..as it should be.
This story can be found at several sites, but Hollys own site is
http://www.bringonthebloodshed.com/bloodandroses/
Obviously reading this stuff right now is BAD BAD BAD for my state of mind, but its better than the alternative...hmmmm....running away to Key West and becoming a chain smoking barfly..
Now that has its merits.
I'll have to think about that.

Sunrise this morning


I drove lil one to school, and when I got home had to take some pics of the sunrise. It is the loveliest thing to me, to sit here at the puter overlooking the lake, all the lights out, when its peaceful and tranquil.
My sleep was disturbed again last night, as it has wont to be lately..nightmares, clenching my teeth, waking and then not being able to stop the thoughts scattering and racing thru my head.
So I'll sit here and sip on my coffee, maybe read some stories about love and devotion, Spuffy of course.
The fascination beyond the whole super strength and vampire etc, that character would move heaven and earth to help her. To be with her. ANYTHING..
I've never ever ever felt even a tenth of that devotion aimed at me. What a joy that would be, to be loved the way I love in return.

Monday, October 08, 2007

The lovely Ms Bonnie Raitt..


This song has always grabbed a part of me...



I can't make you love me



Turn down the lights;
Turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices
Inside my head.

Lay down with me;
Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close;
Don't patronize.

Don't patronize me.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

I'll close my eyes,
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me.

Morning will come,
And I'll do what's right;
Just give me till then
To give up this fight.

And I will give up this fight.

'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.
'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

P.S.

FOR ANYONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO READ MY PATHETIC SELF PITY POSTS...LOL
Just move on until further notice..
TYVM and have a nice day.
One bright note, I emailed my needs to my dear bud David, who has all the contacts anyone could hope for
I need my palms trimmed
I need new tires
I need my house and driveway power washed.
How I'll pay for it all is a whole 'nother story

Lil one sick again

Not nearly as bad, but I was rather relieved that ex couldn't leave work to get her. I am feeling quite ill, headache and stomach all twisted around.
So the idea of coming home, and staying home with her was too tempting to pass up.
She is safely tucked into her recliner reading, and eating chicken soup, and I am just getting in to the shower..then I'll join her
We will watch tv together, she has promised not to mention the M word, and we will get better together.
My lil one, remarkably sensitive at times , and very carefully not probing away at my lil old sad ass broken heart..
Feels like I destroy everything I love, that I touch.
What a curse..

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Tonite

There is for me....
No wonder more.
Than to wonder where my wonder went...
And why my wonder all is spent.

The flowers on my vanda died before they bloomed fully. I don't know why..
sort of like my heart.
Crushed before it could ever fully bloom.
I believe in reincarnation, and my most sincere prayer right now is that when I die, I simply cease to exist...or get to stay in Heaven ( if I can even get to heaven that is)
I DO NOT WANT TO COME BACK...because if I haven't paid off all my bad karma, then I'm terrified of what the next life would be like.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Over and over

Kinda sorta fits kinda what I'm going thru right now......working on feeling totally numb right now..



"Over And Over" by Three days grace

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Having a bad bad time......


Went to the gym..then to Home Depot. I bought several scarlet milkweed plants which was my main purpose ( for the monarch migration ) , and a new Vanda orchid to replace the dendrobium that died..
I need to see life. I need to see something beautiful. I need to put the hummer feeder out, because suddenly its october, and Kimchee will be here, I hope.
Feeling more tightly wound than a watch, I've been verging on panic for days now, and having a rough rough time of it.
I think the stress of the past year has finally gotten to me..HARD..and I'm having difficulty just moving, walking, living..
I think I'll need to shut down here, cut off contact, because for a while now, I realize that I am so damn needy, and so damn pathetic, that its totally unfair to reach out to anyone because my burdens are just too much. It isn't fair to expect that from anyone......
And damn it I am the most needy fool I've ever known. god knows I wish I wasn't, but I am.
and I'm truly just a smidge away from total meltdown....
I'm carrying so much on my head, and in my heart..and I'm just not built for this kind of stress..last time I had it..I was a physical and mental wreck..those who know me will remember those harrowing days when I was so ill, lost so much weight and was one huge panic attack.
Thank God for paxil cr...I think its the only thing saving me right now.
Heres my new milkweeds.
And life....continues..when I put my new vanda out back, my older vanda is beginning to bloom..purple..
I'll take pics tomorrow..The new one is to be yellow..if it blooms that is.
Sigh.
Prayers and good thoughts much appreciated.
Thank you blog faithful