Monday, December 31, 2007

My heart is the worst kind of weapon


Fall out boy.... This is Patrick Stump...the lead singer. He has a haunting quality..




"My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon"


I spent most of last night
dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out - the joke's on you
we are salt - you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
I'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

Woah [x2]
Ooo
Woah [x2]

Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
cause I know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
Now I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me

Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2]

And did you hear the news?
I could dissect you
and gut you on this stage
not as eloquent as I may have imagined
but it will get the job done (you're done)
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage

Take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while
oh once in a while
[x2]

Devotional

The hours I spend with you

I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden,

a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it.

You and you alone make me feel

that I am alive. Other men it is said

have seen angels, but I have seen

thee and thou art enough.



--- George Edward Moore

Iris








By the Goo Goo Dolls



And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Saturday, December 29, 2007

And the penultimate song of angst and lost chances..








The Buzzcocks










"Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With)?"


You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

Fallen in love with
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with…

Spike



The original Loves Bitch.
His character and my own have quite a bit in common...
Altho gawd he is much better looking that I'd ever be..even if I was a guy!!!
I still read Spuffycentric smut, but only the ones where Spike gets his woman.
Now thats where we differ, cause I didn't get my man..and thats painful..but I continue to torture myself...
Figures

Caterpillar fixing to molt or tranform


On the pineapple under my bedroom window.

Hole in the wall...water damage found



The water damage circles the whole master bedroom. This is the hole Jeff put in the outside wall of the house to reveal an old repair, and water that poured out.
The other picture shows you the water leak that the power washing of the house allowed to be seen easily. ( the discoloration and crack at the foundation of the house just above grass line )

Dance Dance

"Dance, Dance" by Fall Out Boy
She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out
"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"
Vs. "no one should ever feel like.."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

[Whispered:] We're going into D-Minor

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

You always fold just before you're found out
Drink up its last call
Last resort
But only the first mistake and I...

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress, love

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine
You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead

Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)
Dance this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance
Dance, Dance

XO


They are young, but Pete Wentz's lyrics from the past albums reflect his angst..even the young feel the pain and loss of love as intensely as we old folks do...Maybe even more so, since they don't always see that time dulls pain. It doesn't erase it, but dulls it to an almost bearable level..
In any case....
I love these kids...



FALL OUT BOY
"XO"


I comb the crowd and pick you out
My mouth moves too fast for you to figure it out
It starts eyes closed to fingers crossed
"To I swear, I say"
"To I swear, I say"

To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"
To drinks at the club to the bar
To the keys to your car
To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door

To the love, I left my conscience pressed
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say (I say, I say, I say)
It never calls me when I'm down
Love never wanted me
But I took it anyway
Put your ear to the speaker
And choose love or sympathy
But never both
Love never wanted me

"I hoped you choked
And crashed your car"
Hey "tear catcher", that's all that you are
And ever were
From the start
I swear, I say
I swear, I say

To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"
To drinks at the club to the bar
To the keys to your car
To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door

To the love, I left my conscience pressed
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say
It never calls me when I'm down
Love never wanted me
But I took it anyway
Put your ear to the speaker
And choose love or sympathy
But never both, no

To the love I left my conscience pressed
Through the keyhole I watched you dress
Kiss and tell
(Loose lips sink ships)

To the love I left my conscience pressed
Through the keyholes I watched you dress
Kiss and tell
(Loose lips sink ships)


To the love I left my conscience pressed [x3]
Between the pages of the Bible in the drawer
"What did it ever do for me" I say

How you remind me








Chad Kroeger, another of my favorite voices. I had tickets to see them and Three Days Grace last spring, and couldn't go. God how I wish I had..

How you remind me by Nickelback

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

it's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how, you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"
yet, yet
are we having fun yet [3x]

Far away





Far away by Nickelback
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Jeff the plumber

Was here yesterday, and I cried till I was sick ( after he left of course )
I need to have a repair done of course, and also need to reroute the hot water pipes on the rest of the house.
He did half of them last year...at the same time of year of course..
He needs to figure up the cost of the supplies and labor, and he is going to put new sheet rock up from where he cut holes last year.
I couldn't afford to get that fixed, ex said he'd do it..he didn't of course.
I went to bed because I literally felt as if I was going to be sick, was asleep by 8 and woke at 4am, tossed and turned, and finally got up.
Its 542 a.m. and I'm headed out to the patio to watch the sun rise, drink coffee and maybe cry some more.
I have to find money somewhere, I guess I'll have to close out my NY 401k.
I simply will not ask Mom for any more money, and she paid for last years work.
I am going to pray.
I feel so utterly and completely alone.
Thank god Lil one went out last night.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Prayers and good vibes needed...

I got a call from the hospital I applied at...for the second job.
I called her back and left a voicemail. Pay is 25$ an hr for pool staff..I hope...I pray I get it.
Because I have another pipe leak, in the master bathroom this time..I finally discovered the source, its leaked thru the house wall to the outside wall on the patio.
Where on earth would I get the money to fix it if not from my emergency stash ( that I have for the homeowners insurance due in April )
I pray now, that I get a nice return from the taxes.
I can't claim Lil one this year, ex gets her on odd years, I get her on even.
Sigh sigh sigh.
I sure could use a hug, a snuggle..a kiss and someone to tell me its all going to be ok, because I'm not in it alone..
Yep, and scallops might fly out my pants ( gotta luv that Mr Krabs..lol )

Lil ones I phone


Started malfunctioning 17 days after she got it.
I fedexed it to them on wed...and a new replacement phone was sent that arrived today.
HOWS THAT FOR QUICK SERVICE??
I'm very impressed..
We love our I phones..and I no longer need a laptop. The I phone does everything that I really needed a laptop for..
And I upgraded our DSL which includes a wireless router, Lil one needs that since ex and family bought her a laptop for christmas.
All I got was a rock...
( Charlie Brown of course )

And more prayers for Lil ones best friends mom...

Who has been sick, and would not go to the dr......
She was admitted to my hospitals ICU today...
And they fear cancer.
This is Lil ones first exposure to a sickness....to a friends family member...and she is hurting for her friend.
I have all my health checks and I'm good to go.
Wonder if Lil one..thinks of me now...
I won't ask her...she knows I am clean and good to go because I tell her everything about my health care issues..because as a woman, I want to share that need with her for regular Pap smears..Mammograms and the like.
Pray for her..
Karen is the moms name..

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Ok Blog faithful

I need prayers and positive vibes.
I applied for a second job, and got a call from the dept director today..
I NEED A SECOND JOB...
Pray for me...the extra money would be the make or break of our life here in this house, and would allow me to breath....a bit easier..oh hell no...alot easier..

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas surprise

My sister called and left me a voicemail, and my mom gave me a card with 50$ in it, my niece a bathsalt/oil/lotion set which is so pretty...
Lil one brought them home when my sister dropped her off today.
I had emailed them for Christmas...so I was happy to see that at least we can pretend to be civil.
I'm still keeping my distance tho...
Don't need any more...pain..

Sad news to report



Jeffrey, the Beta passed away during the night....
I thought of him the whole time I was in Pet supermarket buying a replacement...lol
Heres the new guy..Oscar....
He looks like a right grouch..

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Groan...just when I think I'm done

Ya'll wouldn't ever believe me if I dun told ya.

As I woke this morning


I feel strangely calm and numb...
ITS WONDERFUL....
No pain clogging my veins, no worries....acceptance is an awesome thing.
I finally realized what my Christmas miracle is.
The hope and joy that was born one year ago today is mute and distant.
And thats ok.
Anything is better than what I've been feeling these last 80 plus days.
So I add yet another song to my list...
This is Adam Gauntier, the lead singer with the haunting voice.

Pain by Three Days Grace


"Pain"

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Monday, December 24, 2007

And so this is Christmas






I began to cry as I drove home . When I entered the
development, and saw the candle luminaries..the people walking together and looking at the gorgeous lights..greeting each other.
I arrive home to an empty house, only my boys here to greet me.
Lil one is with ex.
I wrapped the few presents I was able to get her, and placed them under the small fiberoptic Charlie Brown tree I have.
I was praying for a Christmas miracle, but it doesn't look like I will get what I need, let alone want.
So, I am going to curl up in my recliner with my boys at my feet, and wait for this night to be over, for tomorrow to be over.
My family is still not talking to me, altho I did reach out to them, sent pics of lil one, and a christmas greeting.
See? Alone I began and alone I will be.
Forgive the pity party, but I just can't even muster up any fake christmas cheer tonite.
I hope you, my blog faithful, have much happier and cheerier holidays.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good nite.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Worked the last three days


Twelve hr shifts..so I haven't had time to blog.
I am working Christmas Eve and Day, and Lil one is gone...ex picked her up a few hrs ago, and I won't see her till possibly the nite of Christmas, or the day after.
:-(
Lonely time of year, and this year is even lonlier for many other reasons.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Mammo results in


Normal.
..negativo.
..nothing there.
..WHEWW...
So, I had a complete physical early in the year, blood pressure under good control, pap negative, had my teeth cleaned two days ago..no cavities...
I am good to go!!!!
Other than being fat and repulsive I am healthy as a can be...( lest we forget my ex's immortal last huge insult)
So I am emotionally shattered but physically in tip top albeit chubby shape.
However, I am in the way of rectifying that, I've resumed my old diet of low carb and high protein and I've resumed my old exercise routine. It wasn't too difficult, because I had kept at it sporadically over the last year..and it took a few sore muscles and not much more to start building my way back up to a good routine.
All buffed up and noone to schtup LOL...oh well...
Thats fine with me. As a matter of fact having someone to shtup without any emotional requirements on my part may be just what I should look for in the future.
To paraphrase lonely boy Billy from Polar Express..love just doesn't work out for me.

And more of me gets added every day..

I have nowhere else to place the pieces of me...so here they come to rest..

sung by Ms Bonnie Raitt
Dimming of the day..
By Richard Thompson



This old house is falling down around my ears
I'm drowning in a river of my tears
When all my will is gone you hold me sway
I need you at the dimming of the day

You pulled me like the moon
Pulls on the tide
You know just where I keep my better side

What days have come to keep us far apart
A broken promise or a broken heart
Now all the bonny birds have wheeled away
I need you at the dimming of the day

Come the night you're only what I want
Come the night you could be my confidant

I see you on the street and in company
Why don't you come and rest your mind with me
I'm living for the night we steal away
I need you at the dimming of the day
I need you at the dimming of the day...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

And again...what is love?

"I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."
--Javan


"It's so easy, To think about Love, To Talk about Love, To wish for Love, But it's not always easy, To recognize Love, Even when we hold it.... In our hands."
--Jaka


"I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."
--Vita Sackville-West


"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
--Lao Tzu


"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
--Henry David Thoreau

What is love?

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Are you strong enough to be my man?




Strong enough by Sheryl Crow













God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

Monday, December 17, 2007

My view as I sipped my morning coffee at 7:30


After I dropped Lil one at school.

New slippers


Sure came in handy this morning.
It was COLD for us...lol..the low during the night was 49 degrees...
and it was a nippy low 50's when I sat outside on the patio for the first time in ages ( to drink my morning coffee)
I am so glad I cleaned the patio yesterday..because it allowed me to sit outside last evening and this morning..like I used to do all the time.
And there were no ghosts haunting me either.

Rest in peace, Dear Dan

I heard last night, that Dan Fogelberg died. I knew he was sick , but it was still a jolt to hear he was gone.
His music was an intergral part of my life, at many junctures.
He had a talent not many are blessed with, and he used it well.
I'll miss your songs Dan, the ones you had not yet written.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Outside


If I already put these on the blog
......
forgive me, but this is all bubbling up..and I changed my mind...So far away isn't the beginning or end yet.....
So we start with "Outside"


Outside by Staind

And you, you bring me to my knees, again
All the times, that I can beg you please, in vain
All the times that I felt insecure, for you
And I leave my burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
I'm lookin' in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I've cried, my intention, full of pride
And I waste more time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain, stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie here in bed, all alone, I can't mend
But I feel tomorrow will be okay

But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Ok ...ok.....

I felt guilty so I added the radio version of the song...with the offensive words bleeped.
But they are available in the original post.
sigh..lol

Warning..explicit lyrics..turn sound off if kiddies around


I am adding Staind, and the raw pain in the song..Its been awhile has very graphic lyrics..
If they offend..turn off your speakers
For me, the song speaks volumes, and I find the lyrics rather fitting, not offensive.
Consider my recent posts and see that perhaps you all will agree O' blog faithful.
This is Aaron Lewis, the lead singer, and writer of the lyrics.
He , to me, pours his heart and life into these songs.
I'm leading you in easy, the first one is So far away..by far a more upbeat song of hope..and it should be last...or first..I'm not sure. But the music is like a mosaic that is forming and crystalizing as I add each one.
I have no clue what the final product will be, because I'm still shattered in a million sharp pieces.



Its been awhile by Staind
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

Before and after power wash shots







What a difference huh?
I think they did a great job, maybe better than usual because of David.
Sides of the house were done too.

I could just cry....


I haven't been sitting on the patio...too many memories...
I decided to go out there this morning while the power washers are working.
I went to the bin to get a chair cushion to be greeted by a disgusting odor.
It appears a Water rat because trapped in the bin while attempting to nest, and died.
The cushions are saturated with the smell of dead rat..and droppings and urine
I don't know if the bin is ruined, but the cushions are.
I simply cannot afford new cushions and I could just sob...cry...weep...
I feel just like George Bailey ....I'm at the end of my rope god..please help me..

New song on my playlist...


All the songs on this list have a meaning for me, going back many years up until this very day.
I listened to this song several times in the last few days. It strikes a very painful chord in me.

Let you down by Three Days Grace


Trust me
There’s no need to fear
Everyone’s here
Waiting for you to finally be one of us

Come down...
You may be full of fear
But you’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Trust me
I’ll be there when you need me
You’ll be safe here
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Never want to come down
Never want to come down
Never want to come down

(Down, let you down)

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

I will let you down
I’ll let you down, I’ll
When you finally trust me
Finally believe in me

Thursday, December 13, 2007

First gift for Lil one

I let her get her hair colored chocolate brown with soft red highlights.
She looked so great...and it only cost me 145$ plus 30$ in tips for the stylist and shampoo girl...gulp
I gave them extra for the holidays.
Oh well...its just money right?
I did apply for another job, and got an email answer from the HR person saying they received my email
I can only hope it works out for me.
I can't survive without a second job at this point, and I'm worried about the safety of my only job.
Merry feckin Christmas.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

And I don't feel so good


Just finished working three twelve hr shifts..and felt queasy last nite..
Tried to eat some rice and OOOOFFFF...puked.
Today felt queasy again, and I'm sipping on some diet coke and making lentil and black bean stew for dinner.
Thats a safe meal..and I hope I can keep it down..

Mammo

What an uncomfortable thing...but I finally went and had it done today.
Results in a few weeks she said...

Tomato plant today..




The fruits are growing, the plant looks gorgeous and healthy.
Pic is of course, the day I planted it and from today..and several of the lovely lil fruits.
From 11/20 to today..look at the growth folks!!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Polar Express


I had never seen it, and it was on several times on ABCFamily....I watched it four times at least...I LOVED IT.
What a wonderful film.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Ok...enough Christmas cheer...

Back to my songs for a bit..

Money makes the world go round

And mine is grinding to a slow but inexorable halt..
I know I need to get a second job, but I just can't seem to motivate myself..
I just don't care much about stuff right now.
Poor Lil one, she sure drew the short straw when she got me as a mom.
Sigh

On my drive back from Lil ones school


When I am driving home, after dropping her at school, I now fully expect to see a hawk, that I have tentatively identified as a Short Tail Hawk perched on the same light pole every morning. Some mornings, like this morning, he appears to be
( ewww ) enjoying a breakfast that resembles a small bird...( ITS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE, ITS THE CIRCLE OF LIFE LOL )
I call him/it Wesley..lol...don't ask me why, I have no earthly clue.
This is a generic pic of the breed

I changed my music just for the Holidays.....


I thought my blog was enough of a downer all by itself..lol...so for a few hours lets uplift our spirits and enjoy classic christmas, from my childhood.
I think I'll alternate my songs with Christmas songs, to paraphrase Cheap Trick, I was born with angst in my pants..and I doubt I can keep the cheer on here constantly..lol

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

One of my favorite Christmas shows


Santa Claus is coming to town...
Mickey Rooney, Fred Astaire, their voices are from my long past, and I love them still.

Call me Winter, please....
LOL,,,Rhapsody and I watched this together, on the phone that is...many many times as kids...
I hope you blog faithful can watch it to, with me, :-)

Power washing can't be put off any longer



I got a letter in the spring from the Homeowners Assoc, and emailed them asking for a reprieve due to the expense of the divorce.
However, mailman told me they were out last week looking at homes for the Assoc.
So....I called upon my good friend David and got the name of a company.
The guy was here today, for the roof, sides of the house and the driveway/foyer ...
300$
Not a fortune, but it is to someone who lives paycheck, barely, to paycheck like I do.
I took some before pics so we can all enjoy the new dirt free roof and driveway.
The roof looks a bit darker in spots due to shadow from the Palms trees..but the driveway...oh yeah..thats all dirt.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Don't forget to turn on your speakers


Or else you will miss my songs

Believe in me





By Dan Fogelberg






If I could ever say it right
And reach your hostage heart
Despite the doubts you harbor
then you might
Come to believe in me.

The life I lead is not the kind
That gives a woman peace of mind
I only hope someday you'll find
That you can believe in me.

Those other loves that
came before
Mean nothing to me anymore
But you can never be quite sure
And will not believe in me.

Too many hearts have been broken
Failing to trust what they feel
But trust isn't something
that's spoken
And love's never wrong
when it's real.

If I could only do one thing
Then I would try to write and sing
A song that ends your questioning
And makes you believe in me.

Too many hearts have been broken
Failing to trust what they feel
But trust isn't something
that's spoken
And love's never wrong
when it's real.

If I could only do one thing
Then I would try to write and sing
A song that ends your questioning
And makes you believe in me
Oh, you can believe in me.

More words about love.....

I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion -
I have shudder'd at it.
I shudder no more.
I could be martyr'd for my religion
Love is my religion
And I could die for that.
I could die for you.
~ by John Keats ~

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself
But if your love and must needs have desires,
Let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook
That sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
And give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer
For the beloved in your heart
And a song of praise upon your lips.
~ by Khalil Gibran ~


Love doesn't make the world go round,
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
~ by Elizabeth Browning ~


The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish,
but that they cease to love.
~ by W. Somerset Maugham ~

The tomato plant has its first fruits..






And compare the growth from the last update.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Moonstruck


I bought it from Amazon.com..and watched it a few times over the last few days.
Some great quotes including..
"And someday you'll drop dead and I'll wear a red dress to your funeral!"

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Comfort food

I am stuffed ...I made some Ditalini with plain Ragu.
Pasta is comfort food..
I needed some comfort...
So, I'm stuffed and uncomfortable now..lol

My song......

This song...tears me up because its me...Its the first song, Over and Over.
Enjoy the gorgeous Three Days Grace

My final decision

Is to maintain my distance from my family.
It is no longer feasible that its the whole world thats wrong, not me.

Sad time of the year

I wish I could just climb into bed and pretend that Christmas doesn't exist.
But it does...

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The tomato plant, after only 8 days





After only 8 days, the growth is amazing.
Florida is amazing, life is so vibrant here.

Friday, November 23, 2007

And finally..before I take a break to watch Shrek the 3rd again..

One of the loveliest songs ever...by
The Bee Gees..


I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

Now I have two holidays with a memory .....

My father died on Easter Sunday.

My heart was broken on Thanksgiving Day.

Fitting perhaps, that I am paying off Karma from a past life that must be so awful, it leads me on a path of loneliness and pain..

Pity party? Damn straight..I deserve it..and I'm going to attend, although I'm the only one here..lol.

And upon a broken heart...

It takes a minute to like someone, and hour to love someone, but to forget someone takes a life time.
Anonymous


Take away love and our earth is a tomb.
Robert Browning


When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
Kahlil Gibran

Well Blog Faithful....its clear now

That I am meant to be alone..
I've only been in love twice in my life, and I simply cannot imagine being that fortunate again.
I am, as I've been told many times, quite a handful..
And I have realized that I am NOT WORTH the struggle and sacrifice it takes to make love work.
Its ok, I took that key and locked that door inside my protect my heart. And there it will stay.
But again, I'll say it, I may not love wisely, but I do love well.
And I can honestly say that at least I was brave enough to put my whole heart on the line, even if it was hurt.
Its the final time, you see.
I'll wait for him, theres no doubt in my mind.
I will simply carry on as I have for the last 49 years. Mostly alone, and trying to be strong.
Prayers welcome, altho I am seriously doubting the worthiness of my being the receipt of same.
Blogging will continue soon

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Christmas lights on here already

At some neighborhood homes. I want to get the stuff down out of the attic this weekend and sort thru what I'm going to use.
I can't do the house outside really, not good with over the head stuff due to arthritis in my shoulders, but I can do ground stuff I guess.
I want to make the inside of the house festive tho..I have to..

Not feeling right

I am having some issues swallowing at times...hot drinks and cold...like it gets stuck halfway down my esophagus..
Also having lots of lil aches and pains in my chest and neck area....groan..
Wonder if its from the fall the other night..you know how those things can linger long afterward in acheys and such..

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

New tomato plant


I had to sacrifice the accidental plant.
Other than the one fruit..it bloomed and bloomed and nothing.
I guess because it was from a tomato from another plant....
Anyway, this is different..a hybrid Cherry tom
Note the size please blog faithful, I will take pics as it grows

Breaking Benjamin


I love this song..

Breathe


I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.