Saturday, October 28, 2006

Kimchee returns!!!!


And was seen just this morning sipping from this very Firespike I planted for him.
He has arrived at almost the same time this year as last..right after Wilma
WOW!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Ok..I can't resist more Spikey, salty goodness


He so is hotness personified...the ultimate "Big Bad" the leather wearing, fangy lover extra'ordinare...Sigh...
I want me a Spike..
Ok..so it SO ain't happening..but a girl can dream can't she..
He's almost as hot as Billy Bob..

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Okay..I will put something I wrote myself on here

as i sit and watch you
time passes yet stands still
i imagine the lines of your face
the curve of your lips
i see the heart you try so hard to hide
and i mourn the loss of what could have,
should have been
so i sit and watch you
patiently
and know you watch me too

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Love

Has no face..only a heartbeat
has no rules
Only a passion
Love is blameless..and full of passion
for that which it finds blameless

Twu wuv....

Have you seen the princess bride?
true love..Is all that matters
wait..Let me say it the true princess bride way...
Wuv....twu wuv..
LOL I adore Inigo..I have a t shirt with "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die"

Sunday, October 22, 2006

My eyes are tired...


The hospital went live with online clinical documentation for everything we do as far as charting and ventilator checks..treatments etc.
I'm used to it from my prior hospital, but between the work and reading emails with my well loved spuffy smut really puts a strain on my eyes.
Thank god my friend , my baby comes back to work this week. I felt so incredibly lonely without her the last two weeks.
Her support is so important to me.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Working out my frustrations


I have been faithful at working out again for the last many weeks, working out my frustrations G rated plus. I have poured even more effort into this in the last two weeks..and I feel so much physically better, tighter firmer and more like the old me. I am not going to weigh myself, because I'll know by how my clothes fit how progress is going. I am up to four sets on most exercises except for a few, and thats likely due to the bad fall I had several weeks ago. As a matter of fact, judge my fitness beginning by my blog post on the fall...cool huh? Anyway today was the first day in two weeks I was able to increase my number of sit ups. I do them on the exercise ball for max pain..lol...and I am finally up to 70...whew...for some reason was stuck at sixty for those two weeks. And you can bounce a quarter off my butt...LOL..now thats SWEET..So even if my emotional life is roller coaster of disaster, I have regained more control over my BODY. I will keep reporting in on my progress, and when I reach goal may even post a picture of myself...:-) Now if only I can run again..

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Living with a chemical imbalance part 3

I grew up always feeling flawed. I was different...ALWAYS...From everyone else. My sister was popular , the cheerleader, dated all thru school. Damaged goods to quote a certain man.
I was the wallflower, the girl who absorbed knowledge like a sponge...I was the girl who blurted out in English class...Mr K mentions the di Medici family..And I blurt out" Oh..That's the family that sponsored Michelangelo" Silly me, I had read a book on Mike..And to this day he is my hands down favorite artist for numerous reasons. Maybe because when I was four, I saw the Pieta at the NY worlds fair....Who knows..
Oh yeah ,,,the guys dug me.NOT.. Everyone stared at me..EVERYONE...including Mr K with his big sweet grin.
Mr K loved me...LOL..But the other kids...Not so much.
So time passed...passed me by in many ways. I didn't date at all in school, and my first boyfriend, at 18, was a friend of my sisters ( the mamas boy) My first love ( not at all in retrospect) and my first EVERYTHING if you get my PG drift..sheesh...
My next serious relationship didn't really occur until I met my future DH..And he was the first and only man to ever pursue me. a heady and amazing feeling to a woman of 33 who has never been good enough for any other man.
My girlfriend once told me that I put off an aura of ....Don't touch...A barrier
maybe I was trying to protect myself?
different is dead...
so I tried to pretend and fit in..I tried to do the mom thing and resented so much of it, because truth be told I never wanted kids, I didn't want to screw anyone up as badly as I was..And at least I stopped at one ( I was determined to stop at one, I knew my emotional limits)
I remember looking at my new born and thinking...You'll never wonder if I love you, and you won't have to share me with anyone..I'll always love you best..
Right this very moment I feel very weak and damaged, and my much vaunted carpe diem and just choose to dance attitude has taken a mortal blow I fear.
I feel like a rudderless boat....drifting and panicked at the thought of no land in sight..no safe harbor..No heart filled home.
The upcoming holidays fill me with dread at this point. The holidays should be a time of togetherness, love and family. I will be spending thanksgiving alone, and by my choice since I could certainly join my sisters family with my mom and my handicapped sister.
I have to be alone..best relearned quickly..I have lots of past practice..

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

What is hope?

Websters says this: Hope is to desire with expectation of obtainment
What is fear? Websters says this: Fear is to be afraid or apprehensive
What is faith? Websters says this: Faith is firm belief in something for which there is no proof
And lastly, what is Love?
Websters says this: Love is strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
After interminable thought and angst experienced over the last few days, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live without Hope. I had thought to extinguish Hope so to save myself more heartache, but find I cannot.
I need to have Faith in the Love that I feel.
If one loses Hope..One loses everything. Hope is the basis for human existence, and if I don't allow myself to feel Hope, regardless of how foolish or futile it may seem, I may as well depart this mortal coil.
So I Hope for my true love to have Faith in me, and Fear not. I have to Hope...I have nothing else left.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.-
Alexander Pope,An Essay on Man,
Epistle I, 1733

Embarking on a new venture


Put a stop to the efforts to stymie my path back to physical fitness. I am only eating my own prepared food now, since there isn't anyone to cook for me anymore..thank god. I am eliminating the bad in my life one step at a time. If I am going to feel good about myself I need to get back into the shape I was in 18 months ago..and I will be. Altho I don't expect any soul matiness at this point, its still going to be nice to fit back in to my clothes and maybe get an appreciative look here and there.
My main goal however..is to run again. I've spent over half my life running,,twenty plus years and I miss it and the mental peace it gave me.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

This poor Orchid


Is my newest denobrium..and soon after I brought it home..the leaves began to yellow and fall off..It still flowers, but looks sad and neglected...sort of how I feel right now too. I don't know if I can save it..or myself.

Today, a rude awakening..

Its hell to discover you've been played for a fool..really played..
Not sure why, but does that really matter?
I prayed..got what I thought was my answer was convinced tell the truth because it was too good to be true..that yin to my yang..something I'd waited my whole life for..and I guess I was wrong.
But its the last time...this I swear. I'd rather be alone forever than strip my soul bare and hold out my heart like a beating gift only to have it shoved back into my chest...no longer beating, drained and pale
This has only reinforced my long held conviction that I must be paying off some great awful karmic debt from some past life. Why else would the answer to an ernest prayer be nothing more than a puff of smoke, an illusion and something that cracked and hurt so hard that I am having trouble breathing? Happiness has eluded me my entire life, and why I am surprised to have it slip out of my fingers again is SO beyond my ken right now.
I turned to my lawn....cleansing as hell to mow and cry at the same time..everything sweating out thru every available place.
Do I feel better?
No..
But at least I feel numb and empty right now..
and far from amazing.
"Amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
T'was Grace that taught...my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

I see alright...I see now..
Sorry for the downer post, for any of the faithful who read my blog..

Monday, October 16, 2006

Music and my life with it..

When I was a youngster.(cue creaky joints) ...music influenced so much of my emotional life. Its always been important, but I am finding that in the last few years...has become a much more profound emotional part of my life. I have gradually segued into what is a metal type of alternative..I think...I'm not sure what to label my music enjoyment since it doesn't seem to fall under one simple heading. I am currently experiencing Staind from beginning to most recent albumn...and when I drove to and from Orlando I immersed myself in them. Again let me say..keep your Britney Spears and the other talentless hacks..I am so drawn to true poets...those who share their feelings and emotions along with music...hard..soft..slow...all of it.. If I had that gift...and it is truly a gift..I would feel blessed.

"So Far Away"
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me'cause i i must be sleeping
[chorus]now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgiveand i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today
these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile that i've never shown
before somebody shake me
'cause i must be sleeping
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgiveand i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today
i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me
now that we're here ,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all the mistakes,one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgiveand i'm not ashamed
to be the person that i am today

Memories that are sweet....


Surprisingly involve Discovery Channels Shark Week.
When my lil one was a toddler...actually maybe five or six..we had a routine..
She would take a bath..get her footie pajamas on and we would climb into bed together. Any given night we would watch t.v with me..propped up on my "husband" ( which is a back rest with arms, don't ask me why its called a husband) she would curl up on the bed next to me...with her own quilt over her, head on my legs and we would watch nature.
Snakes...spiders..sharks..you name it. She was and still is endlessly fascinated with nature to the point that she still to this day, says she wants to be a marine biologist..Living here in the tropics there are many opportunites for her to achieve that goal..altho frankly she could do it from anywhere in the country.
Such sweet memories..where we shared a common love of the natural world.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

The magical smell of brewing coffee...


When I was a kid..we always had a pot of coffee on the stove. Daddy's rule was...you finish the pot you make another one. Even as kids, my sister and I had coffee cups of our own. We had an old fashioned glass percolator...and as an adult I always had one in my house too. Main reason..if the power went out, you could light the gas stove and make coffee in your glass percolator. The smell of coffee perking or brewing...heaven. One of the sweetest scents on earth. And the fascination of watching as the pot began to bubble and brew. Seeing the water bubble up and flow thru the grounds...And despite being fairly intelligent, I still don't understand why the water bubbles up thru the pipe in the center...LOL...I mean...I know the theory, but why it really happens? Got me

My bed this past weekend


At the EmbassySuites Conference Center South in Orlando for a professional conference.
The bedroom looked like this and when you entered there is a sitting room with a kitchen area..fridge and microwave..couch tv etc..
It was a mind altering experience, which I will share with those who were altered in MY mind
The conference was good, they treated us well and the hotel staff was very good.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Joe Walsh added something to The Eagles...

on Hotel California..his distinctive guitar and voice just added a new dimension to their already incredible music.His guitar sings thru along with the lyrics on this tune..so many times...when I would run...this song would cadence thru my head.
And this has to be...if not my fave Eagles song...then one of my faves...

Try And Love Again
When you're out there on your own
Where your memories can find you
Like a circle goes around
You were lost until you found out
What it all comes down to
One by one The lonely feelings come
Day by day,they slowly fade away
Ooh, the look was in her eyes
you never know what might be found there
She was dancing right in time
And the looks she made so fine
Like the music that surrounds her
Should I stay or go?
I really want to know
Would I loose or win
If I try and love again?
gonna try and love again
I'm gonna try and love again
gonna try and love gonna try and love
Right or wrong, what's done is done
It's only moments that we borrow
But the thoughts will linger on
of the lady and her song
When the sun comes up tomorrow
Well, it might take years
to seeThrough all these tears
Don't let go
When you find it you will know
Oh,Gonna try and love again gonna try and love again
Sometimes lose, sometimes win,Sometimes you need a friend
gonna try, gonna trygonna try, gonna try,(etc.)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

If you like Pina Coladas...

My family knew his . Rupert Holmes first big commercial hit was this song..and i love it to this day..
Artist: Rupert Holmes LyricsSong: Escape (The Pina Colada Song) LyricsI was tired of my lady, we'd been together too long.Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song.So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed.And in the personals column, there was this letter I read:"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me, and escape."I didn't think about my lady, I know that sounds kind of mean.But me and my old lady, had fallen into the same old dull routine.So I wrote to the paper, took out a personal ad.And though I'm nobody's poet, I thought it wasn't half-bad."Yes, I like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.I've got to meet you by tomorrow noon, and cut through all this red tape.At a bar called O'Malley's, where we'll plan our escape."So I waited with high hopes, then she walked in the place.I knew her smile in an instant, I knew the curve of her face.It was my own lovely lady, and she said, "Oh, it's you."And we laughed for a moment, and I said, "I never knew".."That you liked Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.And the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne.If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape.""If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.If you're not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.You're the love that I've looked for, come with me, and escape."

Saturday, October 07, 2006

What kid didn't have one?


Remember Gumbys Playhouse? Gumby and Pokey were so cool...zipping in and out of books..having adventures and dodging the evil Block Heads..LOL
Remember Davy and Goliath? In retrospect I think Goliath was toking some weed cause he always sounded like he was talking in slllooooowwww mmmoootttiiiioooonnnnnnnn....LOL
Claymation was an amazing thing to me as a kid..who knew computers would come along and put such inventive creation right out of business..
It just got creepy if the wire poked out of your Gumby....not of the good...no no no

Friday, October 06, 2006

More hotness from "Lost"


So here they are...my two favorite guys...
Charlie with the lovely accent and very lovely nicknames...I ADORE NICKNAMES..that are regional and colloquial because I think that in new york most of ours are profanities..
As for the most smooth and shiny Mr Ecko...well...
pecs..hams...WHATEVAH...his voice is like the smooth ivory...
I worked for the best dr...who was from Ghana. His english was impeccable and articulate with a blurred english, european accent. When he spoke it was like poetry...the flow and ebb of his voice...just like poetry.
Mr Ecko has a similar African accent...just lovely...
Warms me cockles it does..
:-)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Altho I never saw my Daddy drunk...



He enjoyed himself a Ballantine beer with his Parliament Cigs..
Thats pure childhood memory..along with his pocket tshirts...his work boots and his denim work jacket he wore in the winter. Daddy was older than everyone elses pop...he was born in 1915 and I was born in '58
As a kid, Daddy used to take me along with him on his late night snow plow runs. He was not a huggy kissy guy, but a generous sharing man. I would hook up the plow for him..putting in the bolts and cotter pins...then toss my lil shovel in the back of the truck. Off we would go to plow..
He would do the main part of the driveways, and I would catch the edges and walkways and he paid me DAMN GOOD MONEY...lol . I think five bucks a night...pure nirvana to a kid in the sixties.
I remember sitting in the cab of that ole truck...the wipers flicking back and forth with the roar of the inadequate heater...watching the snow slash across the road..
I could hear the snow chains rattle on his tires...
And didn't know to appreciate the pay he gave me for jobs he didn't tell me were freebies. The older widow women he kept an eye on in memory of their husbands..so he plowed their driveways for nothing..
He was one of a kind, my Daddy. Thats why I hyphenate my last name...to honor his memory.
He deserves to be remembered

Johnny West was a passion when I was little


For Christmas one year...My sister ( she who shall not be named) got me Johnny..Jamie the entire ranch and two horses with all the gear.
I was her favorite..( she who shall not be named) because my other sister L was a love child to my parents marriage.
I was mad for all things western and tomboyish...I loved My Friend Flicka..The Cisco Kid, gosh you name it..If it had hooves and whinnied I was there..
Anyway..I didn't get rid of Johnny and Co. Until we moved here. Too bad I didn't think of eBay, cause I still had the boxes...Etc..For the dolls...Including Chief Cherokee their native American pal..
Remember Rhapsody?
Somehow I didn't hang onto the wimmin folk....rofl..just the menfolk.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Rose in a beer bottle, native art at its finest.....


Instructions for assembly..so those of you at home can enjoy your very own
"Rose in a beer bottle"
1)have a blooming rose bush handy
2)have a (A.K.A. many) cold beer handy
3)drink said cold beer(s)
4)fill unrinsed bottle with water
5)cut a rose off your handy blooming rose bush
6)Enjoy!!!

Don't be imtimidated by the skill level I exhibit..it took many many many cold beers to master this art.

November 28th, 1974


I was witness to something amazing. It was Thanksgiving day, and I was attending my first concert. I was just 16, and excited beyond belief to be in Madison Square Garden to see Elton John.
Part way thru the show, he announced he had a special guest...The place began buzzing...Who was it?...John Lennon.
I have never....EVER...heard such a sound..A roar that was like nothing I've ever experienced since.
John Lennon...JOHN LENNON...I actually saw John Lennon, one of the Beatles.
They sang three songs..finishing up with Lennon announcing they were going to sing a song they he didn't sing originally, Paul did...They launched into I saw her Standing there...
OMG...I still get goosebumps when I remember this..A stadium full of people who all knew the words to that classic beatle song...Everyone on their feet...Howling for lennon..
After he left the stage, and Elton performed Don't let the sun go down on me,,,the place was completely lit with matches..Lighters...It was a moment frozen in time....And turned out to be pivotal in lennons as I found out later.
That night, he and yoko ono reunited..And that night was lennons last live performance. As he prepared to release double fantasy, he was murdered.
I'll never forget it.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Typical look for the Florida sky.......


During rainy season

When I was young.....


Life was innocent, black and white.
On saturdays we'd watch the Lil Rascals/Our Gang...Alfalfa would sing I'm thru with love...I'll never fall again...say ado...to love...
Andy and Barney patrolled mayberry, and Superman patrolled Metropolis.
Cap'n Jack Mcarthy brought us the Three Stooges, There was Diver Dan and Popeye.
The Bowery Boys...omg...I adored Satch.
Everything seemed so simple and basic..just like that spike of hair on Alfalfas head...His "personality"
LOL...
Right now nothing seems simple.

Don't feel well


Stomach all riled up, head stuffy and feverish. Wanna run away but got nowhere to run right this minute.