Saturday, September 30, 2006

Backyard


Work completed in the sense that I weeded pruned and hung my hummer feeder. I am anxious to see if Kimchee will grace my yard again this winter. And the camera was tilted...not my yard..LOL..ooohhhh see me in the slider taking the picture? Straw hat and all.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Where I used to live


http://www.hvnet.com/panoramas/bearmtnbridge.htm

This is the lodge at Bear Mountain state park. The link shows you the Bear Mountain Bridge. Prior to leaving NY, my sister and I would take our daughters ice skating here. There is an outdoor rink, that runs all winter. There are panoramic views of the Hudson River, the Bridge and the mountains including Anthonys Nose and Storm King.
I remember going there when it was FREEZING out..Skating to rock..classical...You name it. They played music and when it was cold...And snowed while you were skating...WOW..
The Inn also hosted conferences that I attended...What a great place to go for a conference huh?
I also had one of my first dates here..Walking around Hessian Lake ( which is behind the Inn) holding hands with the mamma's boy...OMG..To be 18 again..Knowing what I know now.
And my first make out session ( also with the mamma's boy ) by a fishing station in Harriman state park which is basically attached to Bear Mountain.. Sue me...I didn't start till the decent age of 18 LOL
Mountains, stars and tonsil hockey...Sounds fun! With someone different this time of course..!!!
Possum Kingdom by The Toadies
Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I'm not gonna lie
I'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I'll show you my dark secret
I'm not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah...
Don't be afraid
I didn't mean to scare you
So help me, Jesus
I can promise you
You'll stay as beautiful
With dark hair
And soft skin...forever
Forever
Make up your mind
Make up your mind
And I'll promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus
(hey, hey, hey)
Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be
My angel?
So help me!
Be my angel
Be my angel
Do you wanna die?
I promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me,
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus...

Were it not that I had....bad dreams



Last night..restless and painful. A swirl of different scenarios...all bad ones. Anger, fighting..loss.
I find my dreams are a definite reflection of my emotions. Good dreams are due to a definite good feeling about someone or something.
Bad dreams are usually a reflection of my mindset.
I drank wine last night which I am trying SO hard not to do.
But I had a bad day at work...good excuse right?
Sigh..Hence the dreams I'm sure.
You can push reality away with alcohol...but reality is sitting right where you left it..in the back of your mind just waiting to erupt..
Thank God I don't usually have days of these types of dreams.
I prefer good ones...like the one I had a couple of nights ago....

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

It rains here like I've never seen it rain before..anywhere


When it rains here IT POURS...The skys open and simply dumps the rain down

Took a mental health day today



And decided I'm going to mow the lawn and work on my barbie tan
I took the time however to take these pics. One is my Miss Ann Angels Trumpet and the other is the native green passionflower. By taking into account that its on a chain link fence...the perspective really lets you see how small the flowers are. These shots were taken prior to the mow..and omg...I just came back in and it was HOT outside..90degrees..I kept taking shade breaks. I was all set up..garage door open...chair with fan aimed at it..water...
whew..Ya'll should see me in my straw hat...Its Minnie Pearl minus the price tag...lol..maybe a lil floppier, but it does the job of keeping the sun off my already freckly face
I am such a white girl it isn't funny..I'll burn easy if I'm not careful.
Anyway, I just came inside to cool off and I'm treating myself to a cold mich ultra amber. Friday is weeding and trim day..I have allowed the spiders free reign for long enough, they are good for the garden, but I need to destroy their webs so I can trim and weed...
I'll take before and afters so everyone can see ...especially my "hummer" corner.
Aren't they gorgeous?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Lest you doubt it....

When asked if I thought that two damaged souls could complement each other and work together...I said yes..
The reason I believe that to be true, is I tried normal...and normal ain't all its cracked up to be. Sometimes a square peg is just meant to snug into a spot that isn't square.. . I'm a great believer in grabbing a chance before it flys away. How else can you live, if you don't. I won't live a "what if" life.
Its why I don't hold back words of love, if they are meant from the heart.
You never know what tomorrow holds..so don't regret or sorrow over the unsaid or undone.BTW I had a chance to see Edwin McCain and I regret to say I didn't feel good that night, it was a small club in Lauderdale too.
sigh...too bad huh?









The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
Chorus:I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival,
You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life.

Well I don't see dead people ...but....

I do have a "VOICE".
The first time I really heard it...and paid attention it likely saved my life. I was driving back to my apartment after a good long run at the lake. I was stopped at a red light on Rte 303 in Congers (Rhapsody will know that dangerous intersection) when the light changed to green. I began to put my foot on the gas when I suddenly heard a voice say STOP!
I stopped. An 18 wheel truck ran the red light and if I had been moving forward the truck would have tboned me.
The woman on the other side of the intersection was sitting at her steering wheel with her hands over her eyes.
It was that close.
I think of it as a guardian angel...whatever that means, and if I don't listen something usually makes me sorry I didn't. Even the smallest thing...which route to drive home, which parking space to take.
I can go months without that voice, or feeling...
Whatever...I listen.
And I'm not crazy, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night
:-)

Sharing my experience


It was Oct of 2002. I was staying at the beach in Hollywood with my dgt and my mom and my sister. We were there for two weeks, and I was neighborhood hunting for our move.
I was worried..very worried about the massive undertaking of a move cross country. I needed to be close to my sister and mom..they are all the family I have. But worried nonetheless.
I prayed...out loud...Lord show me a sign if this is what I'm meant to do. Show me an eagle...a butterfly.....a hummingbird...a dolphin....
And before the word left my lips a pod of dolphin broke the calm surface of the ocean in front of me. In all the years I've been coming to the beach here, I'd never seen dolphin.
I ran inside the apartment and woke my daughter, bringing her outside to watch. It was about 6am or so...and we watched for an hour.
What do you think? Coincidence? God? All I know is that I am much happier here than I was in Ny. Florida brought me a heterolifemate in Laura..and a quasi daughter kid sister buddy in Kristani. And also if it weren't for my 'net buddies Claire and Deb I never would have survived the last three months I was alone in NY
So I think it was the sign I was asking for. I'm meant to be here.

I love Godsmack

So how do people end up together? Fate...not so sure about all of that, but sometimes God puts his finger in and stirs the pot. Of that much I'm sure. I'm definitely feeling that my existence is swirling around in circles right now.





"Shine Down"
So tired sleeping through the day
Bloodshot eyes and sweat from my body
And I picked my head up yesterday
Found the reason of hope left inside of me
But I still believe in immortal love
And I know there's someone above
Shine down, don't take it away from me, no
And I know you know how, yeah
Shine down, just give me a chance to feel it
It's taken forever to get me off the ground
Haunted silence overwhelming me
Deny takes it's toll on my sanity
And I know I've been away too long
All these years I've been hiding
I'm feeling I'm coming strong
But I still believe in immortal love
And I know there's someone that's up above
Show me a path to find my way
And give me a reason pray
Shine down, don't take it away from me, no
And I know you know how, yeah
Shine down, just give me a chance to feel it
It's taken forever to get me off the ground
Shine down, don't take it away from me, no
And I know you know how, yeah
And shine down, just give me a chance to feel itI
t's taken forever to get me off the ground
Shine downShine downOh, shine down
Oh baby, yeah, yeah, yeah
Shine downOh, shine down
Oh, shine down
Oh baby shine down

Monday, September 25, 2006

So....Who were my crushes?

Beside Billy Bob? evil grin....
Here was one...Bobby Sherman from Here Come the Brides...Remember Rhapsody?
altho I adored Jason the oldest brother the bestest...LOL
DH ( DearHunny) asked me who my childhood crushes were.
Superman ( Mr Reeves of course and not Christopher, but the original)
Batman.. Julie Julie Julie do ya love me????? LOL
OMG Kato from the Green Hornet ( who knew who Bruce Lee was..lol).
Gene Barry from Burkes Law
Ilya Kuriakin from the Man from Uncle..
Mark whatever the hell his last name was from The Girl from Uncle..lol
Tim from my favorite Martian
also from the courtship of eddies father
mike nesmith from the monkeys
omg i just remember Manolito from High Chaparral...
hmmmmm.....That was up till 7th grade...Then David carradine took over with his kung fu moves...
my next HUGE obsession was john Denver, then Elton john...And I know rhapsody can identify with that...We shared EVERYTHING then..Including crushes..
Ok..this requires further thought...

Off to work shortly


Found this pic online...as I wanted something peaceful...some serenity to look at.
Anyway, todays effort will be CALM
If I didn't know any better, I'd think I have P.M.S.
Despite Lord Paxil I do still have some breakthroughs of that...sad but true.
I will need all my strength in the battle against Rhapsody and Hominy...foes in scrabble who will likely now gang up and BOTH kick my ass.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

William Shakespeares sonnets...


Some are trite...some are just lovely in rhythm and feel...Here is 116



Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
William Shakespeare
(1564 - 1616)

Mental meltdown in aisle three..clean up.....


In aisle three.... I ran away from home for a while today...i snapped in two and ran..I stopped and bought me a king size diet coke...and took off to vista view park...or as we fondly call it in my family.."garbage mountain" It is built on a former dump...formerly on the superfunds list for cleanup..I sat up there for a long while...feeling the breeze and balling my eyes out...Cleansing? sorta...helpful...not really...But the breeze felt sweet as hell....So clean up in aisle three...better bring the super strength towels..

Living with a chemical imbalance part 2


One of the painful parts of living with a chemical imbalance is blame.
Blame being cast on you, at you almost constantly. Reprimands for behavior that is not entirely in your control. Because I was a needy needy child, teen, adult...I paid a heavy price. I so desperately needed to know that I was loved, that I mattered, that noone...and I mean NOONE can possible be that one..I tested those I loved the most, because I needed to know that I was truly loved.
I discovered as I grew older that I could fulfill many of my own needs by simply accepting myself for who I was...who I am..and who I will be.
And when I was about as alone as a person could get, I gave up..mostly....the illusion of control. I have little control over what other people think or do, but I can largely control my own actions.
My deepest wish, my prayer, my NEED still...would be to find the yin to my yang.
Soul mate...who I won't have to look at and wonder...why did you say that to me, why did you do that...WHY DO YOU CRITICIZE ME...why am I never good enough.
And even when no blame is being cast...the perception remains, of bearing blame.
I was NOT my older sister who was the pretty popular one. I was not the cheerleader, the mover and shaker. I was just me, and suffered thereby.
So here I am now.....trying to soldier on...
The Road less traveled
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference..
.Robert Frost

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Passion is no ordinary word...


Sit by my window and look outside,
wonder why the sun don't shine on me
What's wrong with you, you stupid child,
don't you think that I'm the oneyou're waiting to see?Don't talk too much 'cause she falls for the suckers, makes her feeleverything is secure
Don't ever leave a footprint on the floor Chorus: Don't bother with the local girls, don't bother with the local girlsThey don't bother me
She's probably half-wit, she must be straight, or bound to have a mother who knows nothing but hate
Don't want to love her, I'd rather knock her down Standing at the busstop where she waits each morning
So isolated that she thinks that the army is the place where a man ought to be
Don't bother with them, they don't bother me
ChorusThey got the walk, they got the talk, right down without a flawAt 6:00 I got to stop my dreaming at the counter of the storeChorus
Without a doubt I got to intercept, must be time someone ran and shouted intheir head
You look all right in the cheap print dress, but everytime you swish it 'round you make me disappearI'm aware of exactly what I'm doing, making everything a mysteryDon't bother with it, it don't bother me
Ok...do you dig Graham parker? cause i do.

Todays luncheon appy will be......


Littlenecks...I love me some raw clams on the half with ice cold beer.
Can't beat it. My first raw clam was in Maine...Portland maine. I ate at a local bar right on the waterfront and had raw oysters...raw clams..and one time a bucket of the so called "pisser clams"
they are quite absolutely filthy dirty pissers are, and to quite honest they taste good but look absolutely repulsive..The other nicer name for them is new england steamers. they are not eaten raw...only cooked. Official name Ipswich clam
They are I think, entirely stomach and foot...and the foot looks like...NO LIE NOW..a penis.
You must pull the skin off said (penis looking) foot in order to eat them. You grip said ( penis looking ) foot...swish them in clam water to clean them, then dip in butter to eat.
I felt like Hannibal Lector...and all I needed was some fava beans and a nice Chianti!
LOL

Friday, September 22, 2006

Scrabble...


Rhapsody is currently kickin my ASS...as usual..We are playing our online scrabble game on Thepixiepit.com
she has the most quirky and unusually smart mindset..she sees words where I never would..
ROCK ON SISTER

I feel like the shaggy dog


Because I am growing my hair out. When the humidity hits it...or I sweat it curls and waves and just FREAKS..
BUT I just got out of the shower and tried to tame it. I have combs on the side pulling all the curls back, but my bangs are just getting so long...I feel like that shaggy doggie..only I guess I'm a Bitch...
Whaddayathink? Actually, I should have covered up the circles under my eyes first huh? Its ash blonde with snow white in it...which makes it even blonder looking.

Some young dude flirted with me last night.....


At the gas station store where I stopped to pick up some beer...He was paying for gas at the register when I walked up with my Coors Light 12 pack. When I put it on the counter he grinned at me and said " Coors Light huh...my kind of woman"
I laughed and said yep...its the best...he said " that and bud light are my favorites"
I said...nah...bud light makes me burp too much..
He grinned again and said "well it doesn't make me burp but it does make me horny"
I BOUT FELL OUT LAUGHING...
Made me feel nice...a sweet young thang like him flirting with this ole lady...

I suddenly have a massive headache


Right at the base of skull. And I'm not usually one who suffers from headaches. I also feel shaky and have palpitations...maybe another nervous breakdown is looming??? sigh...LOL...
I went to the gym this morning...publix..then off to Sawgrass Mills where I picked up some new sneakers ( walking shoes) and then slinked into Hot Topic..I got some cool tshirts...System of a Down, Clerks and This exact sex pistols t shirt...
God Save the Queen!!!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Isn't this a beautiful sight?


Saw this on my drive home. There was actually lovely flashes of lightning in the same area...
We are so lucky here to see rainbows frequently.
Gods promise.
I am so exhausted and feel ill and wrung out tonite, that it was a restful site..

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Ok...I have to admit it..












Its the first step to conquering your addiction...
I read..spuffycentric smut... I am obsessive compulsive when I choose something to follow..and my most recent obsession lasting a good 8 months now is...Spuffy smut.
I admit it.
I hated what they did to Buffy and Spike, and low and behold discovered a veritable feast and banquet of Spuffycentric smutty goodness online.
I will not be ashamed....I don't have the romance and passion in my own life so I live vicariously..
And believe me, there are some VERY imaginative people out there who write excellent stories ( characters well within the plot of the original stories) with lots of smutty goodness.
Big ole sigh...it feels good to stand up in the room and say..HEY..I'M j*****...I'M A SMUT-AHOLIC.
Embrace me brethren..

Friday, September 15, 2006

I got in trouble when my patient died

She died..and I went and said goodbye...and said goodbye to the mom, grandma..son...etc..
And whatever I did wasn't good enough....I got semi reamed out by the nurse.
These past two days have been the days from hell...pure hell.
God must hate me

Necessary note here.

Is dying. The very sick woman who is younger than me. Likely today.
I will be here with her...I went in to see her and told her I'd be here with her all day.
She is one of those unfortunate few who has crept past my defenses.
I thought that anyone who read my blog about work may care enough to say a prayer for her...and me. I don't know how I can bear to keep doing this for the rest of my life.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Tropical Depression ME

Taking a break for real from blogging.
I am trying hard to pretend everything is ok..when it isn't.
So when I feel up to it, I'll be back blogging again.
LOL..its not like anyone will miss me except Rhapsody, and for that I'm sorry honey.
You are a faithful and kind reader with generous comments.
I just don't have the heart for it right now.

For Halloween

Although I am nowhere near as slender ( or dare I say too thin) as the lovely Miss Beckinsale is, I am pondering a vampire look for Halloween..I don't usually dress for the day, but it was such a bust last year following so close after Wilmas destruction, that I may want to use it as a milestone for my life...My lil one is going with the vampire look, so I thought I may go with that look as well. I have a black leather trench coat I found on eBay, and may use that as my basis. Its only cemented my goal to get back into shape.
Add this to the other changes occurring in my life and I'm hoping to be able to pull it off...altho where one gets a full vinyl/leather bodysuit is anyone's guess..LOL. The look screams for great thighs and butt however...even if covered up by said trench coat...I wonder if Lil one will let me leave the house, or if I should just hold off on embarrassing her another year...EVIL GRIN!!!!!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Living with a chemical imbalance

I had what I feel was my first bout of depression when I was about 12. I felt like I was different from everyone else..I had my first panic attack, full blown when I was approx 30. At that time there were no SSRI class of drugs to treat it, no understanding of the underlying chemical imbalances that cause generalized anxiety, social anxiety and panic disorder. Having lived with it for so long, I refused to recognize that I could be helped, and fortunately often went years at a time without attacks. Panic disorder is cyclical as is Bipolar disorder. My problem likely destroyed the one serious relationship I had when I was young, I was so insecure..so pathetic...so obsessively worried all the time that I drove him away.
Side note here...THANK GOD..WHAT A MAMA'S BOY HE WAS!!!! LOL :-)
Finally my move here precipitated one of the worst episodes in my life. I was fairly incapacitated, and finally allowed myself to be treated with Paxil CR. It was like moving from the a world of cotton wool to smooth ice...it was like the transition from the first part of The Wizard of Oz to the technicolor glory that followed.
I felt reborn, reissued and alive for the first time...ever. For the first time I was HAPPY...with no undercurrents. And as a wonderful side dish, my P.M.S DISAPPEARED COMPLETELY...
Happy snoopy dance here...LOL
There is no shame in having a chemical imbalance, and I do not hide it. I don't shout it out from the rooftops...I don't wear a T-shirt that says " I'm in love with Paxil CR...ASK ME HOW" but I'm not ashamed to tell someone when the time comes.
I'm just putting this out there for all those interested in my blog. I have a friend who thinks he is damaged, broken.
Listen to me world, we are all damaged and broken in some way. Its all about how you try to put the pieces back together.
I learned early in life that you cannot put off challenge out of fear. I watched my parents do it, and I watched my father die with his dreams unfulfilled.
If you get the choice to sit it out or dance...Damn it...I'M GOING TO DANCE

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I am the highway


The first time I heard this song I was awed.
If you haven't listened to Soundgarden or Audioslave, you simply must. Chris Cornells voice and lyrics are mesmerizing. You can keep your Britney Spears and the rest of the talentless hacks.
Real meaning, real strength and real fire. Those are created by people like Chris Cornell.




Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel
(chorus)I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars don't wait for me
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you I feel
(chorus) I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

My view while lying in bed


my plasma TV...Isn't it pretty? The weather channel looks fantastic on it...LOL

My favorite meteorologist


Is Jim Cantore of The Weather Channel.
If I could start all over again, I'd have loved to work for the National Hurricane center, or NOAA...
Its something I find endlessly fascinating here in the tropics, the cloud formations you see when the land is flat.

Loving well yet not wisely


I am so very intense, passionate when I care about something
To my great misfortune.
I am going to take a respite from love, cleanse myself, try to stay sober and honest, and forget yet another loss.
I don't understand how the answer to a prayer ended up causing me pain.
I don't understand how my pride and common sense flew out the window.
I don't understand why I'm never good enough.
I need to ponder on it for a while, lick my wounds and like a phoenix, try to rise from the ashes

Friday, September 08, 2006

Puck: How now,spirit! whither wander you?


Fairy: Over hill over dale
thorough bush thorough brier
over park over pale
thorough flood, thorough fire
I do wander every where
swifter than the moons sphere
And I serve the fairy queen......
Scene I Act II Midsummer-Nights Dream

I was mowing the lawn just now. Hot, humid sunny, I love it. The air is heavy and it carrys the scents of blended things..the Fiddlewood tree and the Popcorn bush..Intoxicating scents.
As I mowed under the fiddlewood, I was caught in a shower of tiny fragrant white flowers. Because I was wearing a tank top and my skin was moist with sweat, they stuck to me..my arms, my chest. I stopped for a moment and looked down..my legs were adorned with grass clippings and to my mind I suddenly felt like a woodland fairy or sprite, covered in dew and flowers.. that naturally led me to Shakespeare..where else?
Neat huh?

For Rhapsody


Who begged me to blog again..what a woman.
My oldest friend, in the fact that we met in kindergarten and stayed in touch all thru the years after school ended.
And altho she is over a thousand miles away, the wonder of the net has allowed us to keep in touch.
She is my Nancy Drew pal ( I was always george wasn't I?) and my Trixie Belden partner in crime Remember eating the sandwiches in the pine tree ? Remember sneaking off in the woods to smoke? LOL
Gosh I haven't thought of that big ole pine tree in ages. I used to go there regularly, sit in the tree and think.
Remember the rock wall trips? Remember drinking that bottle of sherry at West Point while we oggled the cadets?
Good times...LOL....Good times....

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'm so tired


Of trying to prove myself.
I think I'll be taking a break from my blog for a few days. I feel like I'm juggling so many things, and doing it all badly, as usual.
Be back soon I imagine

Flirting


I shamelessly enjoy flirting at work!!!!! It is harmless and I never go overboard, but I think I'm pretty damn funny at times and that makes flirting fun!
Prime example....I was in a bloody messy Code Blue situation, side by side with an ER Dr I had never met before. He looked so nice, street clothes, crisp white lab coat...lol neat as a pin in fact and cute as hell.
Anyway, there we are struggling to save this patient who had suddenly developed an acute pneumothorax ( collapsed lung) and we were trying to change her trach.
Well it was bloody, and his coat got sprayed, and chaos ensued
I left the room for a moment, and came back in. He needed someone to put a face shield on him prior to inserting a chest tube..so he held his bloody hands up to show me he couldn't do it himself...
Chuckle...I couldn't help myself..I was already wearing my mask and eye shield, and as he leaned toward me so I could put the mask on him I said, "I'm usually on a first name basis with someone before I do something like this"
LOL...he laughed and to my surprise said Hi...I'm Chris...
I laughed and said hey I'm *****
Nice little contact high when you make someone laugh.
My therapist said that the person I am at work, thats the real me. The funny, confident assertive person who knows who and what they are. The person who knows people like her and enjoy her and depend on her skills.
The person who isn't a let down, unsupportive, lacking in appeal and attraction.
At home, I had become something quite different. Not me, not myself
I've made a concerted effort to change that, and its gone over like a fart in church, SO BLOODY WHAT!!!
I'm a flirt, and I'm funny and smart, and in the words of Stuart Smalley darn it, people like me..LOL
THERE I SAID IT..
:-)

Florence


Watching and waiting to see where she goes. Half of my shutters are still up, and will stay there for the balance of the season. Its too difficult to take them all down and put them all back up every time a storm comes along, and we are just now entering the heart of the season.
Unfortunately it also means that if it comes here, I will hve to go in to the hospital for during duty. They split it up and rotate who comes in and stays and who comes in afterward.
I'd have to send my lil one to my sisters, because frankly the hospital I currently work at isn't the most hurricane safe building in town, its too old. The one I transferred from was like majorly hurricane proofed over the last two years...shatter proof windows and a hard shell added..
But my BFF didn't work there, so lol..I moved

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sept 11th part deuce


In the early days, it was weird. Signs everywhere for the lost and the missing. Rudy Giuliani was our hero, attending every funeral. I would go to the local state park to run, and look up at the sky criss crossed with vapor trails of the fighter jets.
You couldn't go into a store without a jar, someones face on the jar to ask for donations for the children left behind.
When we decided we wouldn't allow this to stop our vacation, we came to florida in october. It was a literal ghost town. And then we found out that some of the hi-jackers stayed in hotels just up the street from us, partied and drank in bars with women, ( those religious men)
No escape, no pardon..no escape
I will never..EVER get over that time. the days afterward when there were sock drives. ..SOCK DRIVES...for those brave men who poured thru the rubble and needed clean dry socks to change in to.
we all donated damn socks...
the night it all happened, our dr harris who was the director of icu at a local hospital organized people to wait for the wounded..
noone came
most everyone was dead...except a few who were wounded by jet fuel.
no survivors...NONE
END PART 2

Monday, September 04, 2006

A funny story


OK...Well when I clean, I love loud music. One of my fave bands to clean along with is Aerosmith, especially Pump and Permanent Vacation. well when I was cleaning one day in ny..my windows open to a lovely spring day, stereo blaring and I mean BLARING..dude looks like a lady, all was well with the world , then I got to the kitchen and found some literature on the kitchen floor. the mormons had been there, and not dared to knock on the door I guess.. a favorite day in my memories..and a good way to scare off proselytizing

Saturday, September 02, 2006

My September 11th


I woke that tuesday, and went into work as usual. Daugher off to grade school. husband off to work, normal day except my brother in law was to fly home from Florida, where he had been doing a job interview.
I worked in a large pulmonary practice, where I helped run the respiratory dept. I was doing a test on a patient, when I heard news from a radio outside my window...there were papers flying all over Brooklyn...and I thought WHAT?
Gradually the news trickled in..one plane...two planes...we had a patient in the office who had called in sick for his appt, so he heard the news of his life being spared: he'd have been there, Then one of the secretarys who said her aunt was stuck in the towers, that there was smoke but she was alive.
Suddenly, I realized that my bil was to fly home that day, and that my sister was to go into lower Manhattan to work. she took the path to Hoboken, then the subway to the trade center. And just as suddenly I was certain they were both dead. I tried calling her office, fast busy signal..no answer. Cell phones not working...
I cannot describe to you the thoughts going thru my head, that my niece was an orphan... After an indeterminate period of time, the operator paged me and said, your sisters on the phone and she sounds upset..
I grabbed the phone and started to sob..the drs all stilled...everyone did and stopped to watch me. My sister was hysterically sobbing..".omg omg..wheres mommy, I called her to come get me..wheres mommy."..( mommy, my sister was over forty years old and reduced to that) I motioned to the staff that my sister was ok..and I just kept sobbing myself...are you alright...are you alright..and she choked out the story, the towers burning, how her husband warned her. I said OMG...HE'S OK..( I had been sure he was on the flight that crashed in Penn..Flight 93) yes...stranded in florida and terrified for his family.
Turns out, my bil was still at his hotel in Florida, saw the news and called my sister, whohad taken a later train than usual so she could get her daughter on the bus. Otherwise, she'd have been THERE..Ground Zero.
BIL warned her to turn back. so when the train arrived in Hoboken, it was to chaos. ferries bringing stock exchange workers over..she said grown men in their blue jackets, silently sobbing..
she watched the towers burn, a sight i cannot even imagine, then swung around back to the booth and got a ticket home. they told her they only had a train going to a different station, she told them I DON'T CARE..
she tried to call me at work from the train station, but was so upset she couldn't even remember where I worked let alone the number.
the nice ladies there let her sit down and calmed her until she could call me.
We were under lockdown essentially. All public transportation in and out of the city stopped, bridges closed. As the day progressed, the sound of fighter planes roaring overhead, vapor trails everywhere, with the occassional deep thrum of transport planes bringing supplies (likely C130's)
Then we needed to try and explain to my dgt and my niece who were 8 and 9 at the time...what had happened. it was unimaginable. to be frightened to send them to school because we were thinking, what if its the schools next?
However, they go to school and simply everyone there had a friend, a relative, a neighbor, someone who worked there. There were children she knew who had parents who were paramedics, cops, firefighters.
Who didn't it touch in the boroughs and the tri state area????
And then the firefighters. Our House was one of the few not to lose a man. Didn't stop my husband from sobbing when he saw the first tower fall, he knew instinctively that the brothers would be heading up...not out of the building. NY lost many of its Finest and Bravest that day.
Didn't stop him from sobbing like a child day after day about the loss of his "Brothers" , nor did it stop my bil who was also a firefighter.
One of the reasons i never regretted making this decision to leave ny...I didn't feel safe there any more. if you can actually feel safe anywhere.
end part 1

My father


Was a lifetime member of this proud company until he got too sick to be active. Even after he got debilitated, he'd still go down there once a week to chat with the guys and have a beer or two. He began to be ill when I was about fourteen, and after a long drawn out illness passed when I was about thirty. I cared for him physically for several years, until he collapsed one day and had to be taken into the hospital. From there despite my objections, he was taken to a nursing home. I would have cared for him at home....
Anyway.......
He had no sons and my sister and I both married in our 30's, maintaining hyphenated last names to honor our dad. My daughter bears my maiden name as her middle name.
His brother, Charlie was a Chief of another company in our county, and died an untimely death when I was about four. Charlie was much older than Daddy, like a father figure and I barely remember him. I have vague memories of a man who to me, looked like a cross between Santa and Perry White from the old Superman show (Great Cesars Ghost!)
Charlie was at a structure fire, got ill and died with days. Walking pneumonia is what they used to call it.
Anyway my next post will be even more somber..i'll share my story of sept 11th

Friday, September 01, 2006

Sunset


Tonight was spectacular. As I left the hospital...a strong rainbow lit the eastern sky thru an approaching storm. As I drove west, homeward towards the everglades..a most spectacular sunset filled my eyes.
this picture is one I found on the net, because by the time I got home the color was gone..
this pales in comparison to what I saw. a broad expanse of fluffy clouds filled with reddish orange color..slashes of yellow sunlight fighting to punch thru the clouds
This is due to dust, red dust that has traveled from around the globe..all the way from the Sahara.